'AITA for refusing to let my mom wear white to my wedding? She claims it’s a 'last chance' to feel beautiful.'
"AITA for refusing to let my mom wear white to my wedding, even though she claims it’s her 'last chance' to feel beautiful?"
I just turned 23 and I’m getting married in October. My mom and I have always had what I would refer to as rocky relationship, especially since I got engaged. She’s been oddly competitive, commenting on my body, comparing our rings, like we are in a competition, saying things like “this day is as much about me as it is about you.”
I honestly thought she was joking until she showed me the dress she bought, a white, floor length gown that looks exactly like a bridal dress. And I I told her, flat out, she cannot wear that because in my opinion it doesn’t match the occasion.
She got quiet, then burst into tears, saying it’s her “and this was an opportunity to feel beautiful before getting old” and that I’m selfish for not letting her have this one thing. I felt really bad about this so I also offered to go shopping with her to find something elegant and more appropriate.
And all of a sudden her countenance changed and then she told me I was controlling and ungrateful. What gave me peace was that my fiancé backed me up, as did my maid of honor. Now my mom is threatening not to come to the wedding, and my aunt says I should just let her have this to avoid drama. I don’t think I’m wrong for drawing a line here, but now part of me wonders if AITA?
The internet had a lot to say in response.
ShadowCatMD wrote:
NTA.
Your mom needs therapy.
Your aunt is an enabler.
OP responded:
Absolutely, nailed it.
GOPsucksa$$ wrote:
NTA. Has your mother always been this manipulative? You have no duty to let her upstage you at your own wedding just so she can feel “beautiful.” What’s next, she gets to take the honeymoon with your husband?
OP responded:
I don't get why she wants all that attention.
Jane-Austen101 wrote:
You have many petty options. -Arrange for all the guests to ware white (don’t tell mom) invite people to don their wedding dresses to give ‘everyone a chance to be pretty’ -Choose a non-traditional dress color. Have all the braids party in white and have a pink, blush, or blue gown.
Hire security and when she tries to enter have security politely explain she ‘must have the wrong venue as there is a bride here already’ act shocked and surprised she is also getting married!
Invite MIL to also ware a white formal gown, and act shocked when your own mother throws a fit for ‘not being special.' Hire a clumsy friend to accidentally spill blue kool aid, red wine, or mt dew done the back of her dress. Oops! You can really get creative here.
Helloreddit0703 wrote:
Not a single mother who is mentally and emotionally stable sees her child’s wedding as her “last chance to feel beautiful before getting old." Stand your ground. She can either come to your wedding in an appropriate MotB dress and not center herself & her emotions OR she can simply not attend.
Attending your wedding in a white gown/wedding dress is not an option for her. Inform her that security will see her out if she does so. With a mother like this you will need to have solid boundaries in place and stick to them. I am sorry that you don’t have a stable, unselfish and kind mother in your life.
whatsmypassword73 wrote:
Might as well not let her ruin your wedding before cutting her off. Let her know if she wears a white dress there’s usually multiple women that will spill their red wine on her and that you’ll also have the photographer photoshop it into a dishwater grey. Might need security, I’m sorry your Mom is this unhinged!
Nycvoyageur wrote:
OP, stop engaging with her tantrums. "Mom, you cannot wear white, you will not be allowed in if you show up in a white dress + people will secretly mock you for it. We'll miss you if you can't make it." Then disengage from the convo, go low info with her on the rest of your wedding plans.
Realistic-Weird-4259 wrote:
No WONDER you have a rocky relationship. She's a narcissist who has you so damn gaslit you don't see the forest for the trees. Or the bridal for the gown. Don't let your aunt gaslight you either!!!!!! Frankly, if they're pulling s#$t like this now I say don't invite either of them to the wedding.
And be REALLY clear as to why. Because, no, MOM. This day is NOT as much about you as it is your daughter. What the actual f#$k?
Signed,
Mom & Grandma
Bingo_Bongo85 wrote:
NTA. Stop negotiating with her. Stop problem solving for her. Set a clear boundary and hold the line. Tell her that a guest wearing white is inappropriate and that you would have her removed from the wedding if she does so. And call her bluff. "I'm sorry you're unwilling to come. I'll let the guests know why."
And make sure you control the narrative. Tell the bridal party - "My mom is not coming because I veto-ed her wearing a WHITE gown. If she shows up in white, please escort her back out as quietly and quickly as you can." This is HER DECISION. Not a need. Not something to discuss and negotiate. She is making a decision to disrespect you. Time for a shiny spine OP.