'AITA for refusing my mom’s deathbed request to invite her ex to her funeral?'
"AITA for refusing my mom’s deathbed request to invite her ex to her funeral?"
Mum (80) was recently hospitalized with pneumonia and my sister and I honestly didn’t know if she was going to make it given she has had serious health problems in the past. We got to talking about funeral arrangements and she said she wanted her death certificate to go to her loser ex- husband so that he could use it to claim her pension.
At that point I snapped and ask her THE question that has weighed on my mind the last few years but never dared to broach: do I need to invite her ex to her funeral? Mum said “yes”, I said “what? No”.
I could see she was getting agitated in her hospital bed and I felt bad asking her with the tubes up her nose so I dropped it. But deep down in my heart I know what I want to do cause this guys is a Class A manipulator and criminal.
Background: this guy married my mum when I was 10, at 17 he said something to me which was sexual, had an affair on her and lost her whole life savings when she was 45 because he ran a Ponzi scheme that went bust.
She only found out about all this cause she caught him trying to leave the house at 5am to catch a flight to Vegas to gamble the savings back. She lost her friends and family during all that because they invested in the Ponzi scheme too and believed (wrongly) that she was in on her ex’s scam.
He went to jail for a few years and during that time mum was alone, depressed and with no money because she lost her life savings to him too and had to rebuild her life from scratch at a time when she should have been looking forward to retirement (sis and I were adults living out of the house at this time).
This happened 20+ years ago and they maintain a friendship to this day. Sis and I had to nag her for years to finally divorce him as we knew he was probably sticking around post-jail all these years to get a shot at inheriting her house when she died.
They were only legally separated all this time and she refused to serve him the papers. (They finally signed them several months the ago). The pension you’re wondering?
I don’t know if mum is hiding something from me - as in, she wants to give it to him rather than me and my sis - but she says it’s a “special” type of government pension that only a spouse or ex-spouse can receive, so even if he wasn’t in the picture my sister and I can’t be beneficiaries anyway. Who knows.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Look, what happens AFTER your mom died is not going to bother her. She'll be beyond that. Funerals (and pensions) are for the living. She's at the age where judgment begins to go; dementia presents as "she would have never done that while in her right mind". Unless she's got this worked out with and through a lawyer, what happens with her death certificate after the fact is not up to her. NTA.
While she is alive, promise her what she wants.
When she passes away, do what you want.
Pension? I'm wondering if she was thinking about social security, if they were married for at least 10 years, he could get up to half of your moms social security. Funerals are for the living, you have no obligation to invite him. But giving him a death certificate?
You order death certificate upon a death, you can get as many as you want, send him one to do whatever. And definitely talk to an estate lawyer to find out what the heck she may be hiding. NTA for not inviting this guy to your moms funeral.
NTA, funerals are for the living. You could decide to give him whatever papers or not, but you don't have to endure his presence at your mom's goodbye.
NTA - if it's an appalling request, it's perfectly fine to ignore it, especially if there's an element of self protection involved. Ghosts aren't real, she can't reach out from the grave to smack you upside the head. This is your opportunity to once again protect her from her poor decision making.
NTA! I wouldn't let this guy within a mile of my family. Some of them might actually do something violent that kind of thing can cause a lot of lasting anger. He doesn't deserve anything from you or your family. All this guy wants is money. Has she only said she wants him to have it? Or is it in her will?
What ever benefit she is talking about she would have had to put him as the beneficiary in the paper work. You need to get more details. If he is in fact the beneficiary on paper for it, you will not have a choice about it.
They had to be married for at least 10 yrs to receive a pension. You should do research and find out what he gets, what's in their divorce decree, and what you adult children receive. Time to research so there's no big surprises.
If you decide not to “invite“ him to the funeral, make sure you don’t post her obituary in the paper until AFTER the funeral. It is expensive to post an obituary (couple hundred dollars), and the information stays online forever.
So, he will come out from wherever he is hiding, eventually (you do not have to post an obituary at all). Do you or your sister have medical & financial Power of Attorney (POA)? If not you may want to speak to a lawyer. Good luck.
NTA. Funerals are for the living. Whatever abusive-sounding control he exerted over her, still clearly has a strong hold & a deathbed is not an efficacious time to deconstruct that, so feel free to tell her what she wants to hear if it makes you feel better.
But when she’s gone, you do what’s right for your health & healing. And avoiding a creepy/predatory type should be top of that list. She may have felt compelled/been compelled to comply with him, but you are under no obligation to perpetuate that control.