'AITA for refusing to be my mom’s only caretaker?' 'My sister is paid to help.'

"AITA for refusing to be my mom’s only caretaker when my sister is paid to help?"

For as long as I (25F) can remember, I’ve been by my mom’s (64F) side. I’ve always handled her paperwork, tech issues, cooking, cleaning, you name it. When she was diagnosed with cancer, I took on even more. I scheduled her appointments, arranged transportation, went with her to every one, and helped her through treatment.

Meanwhile, my sister (28F) was hired to "take care of" our mom, but nothing changed. She stays in her room gaming all day and doesn’t help around the house or with our mom. Everything practical, emotional, and logistical still falls on me.

I began visiting my oldest sister (38F), who moved out years ago due to our mom's emotional and mental abuse. (She's a narcissist.) Talking with my older sister made me realize how much pressure I’ve been under and that I may need therapy.

While I was away, my mom constantly called me for help with things I couldn't fix remotely. I kept telling her to ask my sister, who was home with her and gets paid to help, but she refused every time. I eventually got so upset that I hung up mid-call.

When I got home a few days later, I was exhausted from traveling. I ate, put my dish in the sink, and went to bed. At around 3 AM, my mom came into my room, walked right past my sister (who'd been gaming all day), and told me to do the dishes and take out the trash. The sink was already full of dishes, and the trash was overflowing, not just mine.

The next day, I told them I'd be gone for another three days to visit some friends. Before I left, I gave my sister all the passwords and clear instructions for apps, medical portals, and essential websites so she could help our mom while I was gone.

On the first day away, my mom called to ask when her next appointment was and whether transportation had been scheduled. I asked her where my sister was and reminded her that she is the one being paid to help and has all the information. Again, she refused to ask her. I helped, but after that, I turned off my phone for the rest of the trip.

When I got home and finally woke up, I was still groggy and just trying to use the bathroom. While I was literally on the toilet, my mom walked in and started rattling off a date and time for an appointment she wanted transportation scheduled for. I got irritated and said, "Where is your other employee? I physically cannot help you right now. I am on the toilet."

Honestly, I was frustrated. I’m burned out. That's why I’ve been trying to leave the house more, because staying here is draining my already fucked mental health. I’ve tried to set boundaries, but they’re ignored.

I’ve given my sister all the tools she needs to help, but she refuses to learn, and my mom will not go to anyone but me, even when I’m physically unavailable. It makes me wonder what will happen when my own life starts moving forward and I simply cannot be here all the time. So, am I the ahole for trying to step back, set boundaries, and expect my sister to finally do the job she’s being paid for?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

LiveKindly01 said:

Hol-ey....NTA but so many questions:

1 - Who is paying your sister?

2 - I know you say your sister games all day but does she have an actual job?

3 - Any idea why your sister won't help your mom or your mom won't ask your sister? Does your mom KNOW sister is getting paid?

STOP. HELPING YOUR MOM. If sister is getting paid, let your mom complain to the people paying her that she's not getting what she needs. If your mom is paying your sister, you either need to demand that change, stop helping and honestly, move out.

Remote-Passenger7880 said:

I say this with love: boundaries without enforcement are just requests, and requests can be denied. There's no trying, you either do or you don't put boundaries in place. Just don't do these things. Put all of your money and energy into moving out.

Stop answering phone calls from your mom, leave texts demanding help unread. Just don't give in to the demands. You can't control what either of them do but you can control what you do. NTA.

Tina-Tuna said:

You say your sister is paid to care for your Mother is that her legal job does she get paid as a caregiver? I don't know what country you are in and if you get help for Care via the Government, but if she is not doing her job then can you employ a real Caregiver to help? You're NTA you need respite as caring long term is a lot for anyones' physical and mental health.

Remarkable_Table_279 said:

NTA, but your sister is committing fraud.

No1PoundPup said:

NTA, who is paying your sister to do nothing? Contact them and get the payments stopped. Change all the passwords before your sister can take advantage of the situation. You are the one that should be getting paid.

FairyFartDaydreams said:

NTA. Ask the other sister if you can move in with her and find a job there. The more a narcissist feels like they are losing control the bigger the pain in the ahole they become. your sister is getting paid for it tell her she needs to step up.

Later, OP followed up:

I can't just up and go, but this thread so far has given me insight, hope, and great advice that I will be taking to hurry up and gtfo of here as soon as I can! Thank you all!