'AITA for refusing my parents’ curfew and 24/7 tracking while away from college for a semester?'
"AITA for refusing my parents’ curfew and 24/7 tracking while I’m just trying to study and maintain somewhat of a social life while away from college for a semester?"
I (early 20s) moved back home temporarily after living 8 hours away at university for two years. I’m still fully enrolled, currently taking eight college classes (online + at a community college). I only came home because my mental health was declining, and I didn’t want to destroy my GPA.
With that being said, I seek out quiet places outside of my residence to complete school work, and have continued to do so while I have come home. And mind you, I genuinely go to the same 5 places.
I hang out with one friend, whom my family has known for a little over 10 years. Still, my parents have become so confusingly obsessed with my location. They are tracking my location 24/7, and although they can see where I am, they still send me spam texts and calls, asking what I am doing, or why I am there for so long, or if I am with someone.
My phone battery is trash and Find My drains it, so when I’m in one spot for over an hour, I turn location off. Sometimes it drops on its own because of bad service. Every single time, I get accused of lying or “hiding something.”
Meanwhile I over communicate, I text where I am, when I leave, when I’ll be home, and if plans change. I don’t smoke, vape, do drugs, or drink unless socially, which I have not done at all for the 6 months I've been home. I average around 1am, but have been coming back around 11:30-12:00am, if not earlier more often.
A few nights ago I got home around 1 a.m. from studying and walked into an “intervention.” Because my location glitched, I was labeled dishonest and disrespectful. We’ve had multiple boundary talks; it always resets to control. While with my friend, they have called me and full on screamed at me, telling me all kinds of things like I'm reckless,or a "college drop out"...which is absolutely not the case.
I am still an enrolled student in my university. I am here for one semester. We’re in Week 8 of the semester and my grades are all in the high 90s. And yet they keep patronizing me with, “You need to study.”
And when academics didn't work to defend their point, they accused me of secretly seeing my friend’s coworker, a guy who picked me up once when the three of us hung out together. My friend was literally in the car.
At that time, I had just left an abusive ex, which they knew about. They said “You must have left your ex for this new guy.” It completely invalidated the abuse I trusted them enough to tell them about. Also.. I am 20. Personally, I do not think there should be that much involvement in my romantic life, unless my partner of choice puts me in genuine risk.
They say it’s all “for my safety,” but if I ever actually needed help, I wouldn’t tell them. They wouldn’t protect me, they’d keep me home indefinitely. I told them I’ll share location only when I’m going somewhere new or far from home. They hate that. I’m done sharing 24/7. AITA for refusing their curfew, and not keeping location on 24/7?
CLARIFICATION because a user mentioned this: They had find my on during school too. They asked questions and spammed calls and texts just the same, it just never exploded into anything bigger because I did not have to see them at the end of the day. And there was virtually nothing they could do if I turned off my location while 8 hours away. Just got much more accessible and worse when I came home!
Here's what people had to say to OP:
oop_norf wrote:
You're clearly NTA for pushing back on their - frankly weird - obsessions, but I've got to say, if you moved home for the good of your mental health I'm not sure this is going to be helping. Have you got anywhere else you can stay? Can you move back to your university in advance of resuming full time study?
Whatever they're doing it's not about your welfare and this:
They said “You must have left your ex for this new guy.”
is just bizarre - even if you had done that, that would be fine, breaking up with someone it's not working with and moving on is a completely normal and completely ok thing to do. This "accusation" is like "accusing" someone of liking toast. It's just not meaningfully an accusation at all.
OP responded:
HI! Thank you for your input! The very unfortunate thing is that I had to take that physical leave of absence way before I came home, and it seems theres no take backs. I'm pretty much stuck here until the start of the next semester, in January.
Kitsyn wrote:
This is helping your mental health how?
OP responded:
Yeah...you're right. It's really not. With that being said, when I had a rough time in school, really the only other immediate option I had was take a breather at home, a change of scenery, but I do wish I was a bit more better judged through that stress.
mowsmom22 wrote:
My kid and I have an agreement. He keeps the tracker so I can see he’s safe and I’m not allowed to ask questions or bother him. It’s worked very well. Could that work?
OP responded:
Thank you for that, I am glad it works perfectly with you and your son, you sound like an awesome parent for keeping that flexibility while looking out for your child! Unfortunately, I have suggested this to my parents. They agree in the moment, and then immediately revert to those spam texts, or calls, or yelling if I dont answer all of the above :(
Silkenmoonvine wrote:
NTA this isn’t “parenting" You’re 20 years old, a college student, and you took on a full time course load (8 classes!) just to fix your GPA. That shows incredible maturity, discipline and commitment to your future. your actions are those of a responsible Adult, yet your parents are treating you like a rebellious 15 year old.
Senna79 wrote:
NTA - you're an adult. Now, that said - you're living with your parents, which means it's not unreasonable for you to adhere to some house rules. Stuff like, "Don't throw giant parties without our knowledge/permission".l, and, "Be respectful of noise levels late at night."
It does not mean 24/7 GPS tracking and a curfew, assuming you are an independent person who is legally competent.
I have one set of cousins in my family where the parents track their adult children at all times - even the ones who have moved out and live in different cities. It's extremely weird to me, and I would never allow my parents to do so, or expect an adult child of mine to agree with such measures.