"AITA for refusing to operate on my ex’s wife?"
I’m 49F and a surgeon for over 16 years. Literally, I’ve seen almost everything, but this week hit me harder than I expected. For context, I’ll include that I was married in my 30s to a man I was completely in love with. He left me for a younger nurse he had been sleeping with.
I’m not proud of it, but I never really forgave him or her. It wrecked me emotionally back then, and though I rebuilt my life, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t carry a grudge. Fast forward to now. His wife (the same nurse he cheated with) ended up in the ER two nights ago and by pure irony she needed emergency surgery. I was the attending on call.
The moment I walked in and saw her, she froze. He was there too, holding her hand, and the look on his face when he realized I was the one who would be holding the scalpel…
I’m certain, but let’s just say it brought back every ugly memory. Just like the man I once knew, with the ego, audacity and all, he actually had the audacity to beg me, saying, Please, you’re the best. Save her. As if he hadn’t tossed me aside decades ago. Like he hadn’t gloated back then that he was trading up.
I could have done it, I had the urge to professionally, I knew what needed to be done. But emotionally? I didn’t trust myself. I was angry, shaking even. I told the charge nurse that I was recusing myself and another surgeon had to step in. She got the surgery and she’s fine now but, apparently it took longer to find coverage because I walked away.
Today at work, my colleagues are whispering that I crossed a line. My ex cornered me in the hallway and accused me of still being bitter and letting lust and old grudges affect my duty and profession. I wasn’t surprised he’d say that, I knew who he was. He also said I endangered her because I couldn’t get over myself.
Inside of me, I don’t think that’s fair. I stepped aside because I didn’t want my emotions to cloud my work. But part of me also feels like, deep down, I wanted him to sweat. Wanted her to feel that helplessness I once felt when they betrayed me. So…AITA for refusing to operate?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
parodytx said:
Board-certified urologist here. You ABSOLUTELY did the right thing - ethically and professionally. Totally NTA. From a liability point of view as well - just imagine she has a complication and sues.
Now you have to convince a jury that you were absolutely clinically correct operating on the wife of the this man you admit HATING, but OF COURSE your judgement was perfectly spot on and there was NO CHANCE your judgement or performance was colored by your previous relationship.
I mean this sounds like could be a Lifetime movie. Absolutely correct calling in a favor from a colleague as long as her life was not at risk.
LdiJ46 said:
You did the right thing. Your emotions were running too high to operate on her. It wasn't safe.
Pale_Pumpkin_7073 said:
I'm going to say NTA. I thought there was a rule that you couldn't operate on people you loved because it clouds your judgement. The same applies to people you hate, I personally wouldn't want my life in the hands of someone I wronged.
Johoski said:
NTA. God forbid that you did the surgery and something went wrong. Your ability to operate would have been questioned immediately and you would be scapegoated. Electing not to operate was the prudent decision for everyone.
LookAwayWhenFlashing said:
NTA. I'm actually surprised they even wanted you to do it given what they did to you. I would have thought they would have asked for someone else unprompted.
xj2608 said:
Isn't it your duty to step away from operating on people you know, regardless of what kind of emotions you feel? Love or hate - either one has the possibility to cloud your judgment. NTA.