"AITA for refusing to pay for my sister's wedding?"
I (26M) am the eldest of four siblings - Liam(17M), Rose(23F) and May(20F). I lost my father six years ago, and it was hard on all of us, but it didn't seem to crush anyone as bad as my mother. It was brutal, she didn't last long without him.
With no one else taking care of us, I took a part time job until I graduated and then joined my campus placement instead of masters like I always wanted to. We managed, since Rose joined a good local college which was government funded so the fees were not too high and the FD our father started for her wedding managed to pay for the whole degree.
There was still a bit left, I used it along with what I myself started saving for her to pay for her wedding. She found a good guy - respectful, kind, smart, hardworking, stable job - the kind who could take good care of her and loved her. Of course we all loved him, he was her dream guy and the kind our father would approve of. All was well.
Now, May brought this guy home, and informed us she plans to marry him. Soon.
He has no promise of graduating this year either (he should have done so last year) and is receiving pocket money from parents.
He doesn't have a job and isn't managing to get a stable one either. I wouldn't be so wary if May was trustworthy, but she isn't. She is no position to manage interviews and a job, neither are her grades good enough to push her into masters. I told her this is not a good idea but she is in no mood to listen.
Her argument is that Rose was her age when I got her married. I told her Rose landed most interviews she tried and managed our household finances to a good extent by herself, she was ready for it. May isn't. She isn't listening to me. She said "Fine. Hate him all you want, don't give us your permission or blessing. Just pay and get done with it." I said I won't pay for her wedding because
I hardly have the money - I used up all the money our father set aside for her future into her college fees and my FD hasn't matured yet
Even if I were to break it or take a loan, it's an unwise decision on her part that I don't support
I'm trying to save up for my kids' futures and such a big expense is not the way to do so.
Medical bills are draining my income as is and paying for her wedding will be taxing.
I know it's not fair since I paid for Rose's wedding, but I didn't have to spend that much on her college since it was a very good one and could use some of that fund in the wedding, not to mention Rose herself helped managed finances and she saved us a good bit, which is why I could pay for her, I didn't and don't have a lumpsum liquid cash lying around. So, AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
syveril wrote:
NTA. There's a reason you're in charge and not the one marrying a degreeless unemployed loafer at 21. You're doing what's best for her, even if she's too myopic to know it. Withholding the funds may also encourage a long "engagement" and she might get sick of this freeloader. Maybe he's the one trying to pressure her into marriage for some access to easy cash.
OP responded:
Thanks, I really needed to hear that. And you're right, that's one of the reasons I'm wary about this marriage.
ReadMeDrMemory wrote:
NTA. You do not owe it to May to pay for her wedding. "I know it's not fair since I paid for Rose's wedding." The circumstances are different. And you ARE allowed to treat people differently based on their own character and behavior, though remember that you don't need to try and justify this to May. (After all, nothing you say would be enough, would it?)
Just tell her you're sorry, she can call you an AH if she wants but you don't have the money, if she can't afford to pay for a wedding she can't afford to marry, and then go on about your life. There is no way in hell you should consider taking out a loan: you are not responsible to pay for all your siblings' weddings just because you gave Rose that gift.
OP responded:
I feel like I am responsible because I should have her taken care of like our father would have, and I feel guilty about it, but she has many friends and will ask for a big wedding which is too financially hard on me without taking a loan.
And this guy can't take care of himself, let alone her as well, I feel like I should try to stop her from such a rash decision at her age. Thank you for your reassurance, though, I needed that.
ApprehensiveBook4214 wrote:
NTA. First most people won't contribute to a wedding they don't support. Second May is being very entitled demanding you pay for her wedding. Asking is ok as long as no is an acceptable answer. Third if you haven't already let her know the money set aside for her has been used up by her college fees. She's welcome for the assistance she's already received.
Lastly tell her paying for the wedding she wants is on her and her fiance. Her expectation that you will fund her party is gross. Ask her how she plans to fund both the wedding and her married life with neither of them being employed.
Watch her sputter as she tries to grasp the concept that you're not her ATM. I promise if you give in on this she's going to expect you to also pay for their expenses "just until fiance gets a job." Shut this down now.
OP responded:
Yeah, that's exactly why I'm refusing.
PretendDuchess wrote:
INFO: How much of Rose’s wedding did you pay for and how much came from the remains of her college fund from your dad? You said you’d saved some money for Rose’s wedding; did you do the same for May?
OP responded:
I paid for the whole thing, dress to reception to food to decorations, everything. I saved up some for Rose and some for May but in different ratios, since I knew Rose's wedding would be sooner. Money from my dad paid for around 25 - 40% roughly.
May has always been a late bloomer and grief early on means bad news your state of mind, I didn't think she'd be in a place for guys and marriage until at least mid twenties.
-witch wrote:
ESH? I’m sorry for your loss, but this post is a perfect example of the power vacuum and how it can be in something as small as a family or as large as a country; you really seem to have taken up the role of a patriarch while only being 3 years older than your next oldest sibling.
There is nothing wrong with not paying for someones wedding, and just because you did it before doesn’t mean you have to do it again or that you’ll magically have enough to foot the bill for it, but that doesn’t really sound like the issue at hand; the issue at hand is that you don’t like the guy she’s decided to marry, and don’t seem to approve of her lifestyle and life decisions.
Sure, May sounds entitled to the wedding payment which I disagree with, but I’m sure since you’re the one writing this for us, we aren’t getting the full picture there. The truth of any situation usually lies somewhere in the middle, respectfully I think you both suck.
OP responded:
Fair enough. I'm not in favour of this wedding because they're both depending on their parents financially (and maybe even otherwise). Where will they move in, how will they live, and what will they do to take care of themselves?
I see her coming back home in max a few months and saying she needs more money and he's spent his pocket money entirely on cigarettes. If I don't pay, she might think harder over if she even wants to marry him or is just having a crush.
teamglider wrote:
So your dad passed when you were 20 and the youngest was 14, and your mom "didn't last long" without him? The likely ages of your parents don't seem to jibe with that story. People in their eighties might not "last long" when their partner dies, but your mom had a 14-yr-old, how old could she have been? And you yourself are currently only 26, but you have kids that you need to save for?
If you don't have the money, then you don't have it and you can't go back in time to make different decisions. However, whether this be real or fake, you are clearly indicating that you like one sister way more than the other, and that you think they should take your opinions on their lives and loves very seriously indeed.
OP responded:
She was heartbroken and had a weak constitution even otherwise. Poor lady had a hard life. And yeah, I got married a little young, I'm very much old enough to have kids. Have you seen how much it costs to send your kids to study anywhere that's not home? I don't like May any less, it's just that I don't trust her to handle herself yet.
If I refuse to pay, she will have to invariably stop and think. "Is this the right guy, is he capable of taking care of me, will he be loyal, how do I get married to him if I don't manage to convince this fellow to pay, how to do I manage myself after moving in with him?" All necessary questions.
Asian-Eggroll-17 wrote:
Question: I’m assuming FD is similar to a trust fund of some sort(?), so what I’m hearing is Rose used her money to pay for school AND a wedding, but May only had enough for school, not a wedding. You chipped in for both siblings, but in different ways. If that is the case, NTA, because each sibling had their allotted share and spent it in different ways. Please correct me if I’m wrong.
OP responded:
It's a bunch of money that's kept aside and you basically can't touch it until xyz number of years, people do that when they're trying to save up for something and don't want to end up rerouting that money.
And yes, I paid for majority of Rose's wedding expenses but the money my father set aside for her was leftover enough to help me do so and Rose herself budgeted the daily expenses to help me save up. I can't pay for May because her entire fund went into education and I'm not in a place right now to empty my wallet because I have tons of expenses now, unlike before my marriage.
amaerau03 wrote:
NTA you mentioned his parents give him pocket money? Does he have his own place? Does your sister have her own place? Once married where would they live ? If neither have their own place then they would need to get one or live with us parents or you means you would be supporting both.
They should get a place together and dig in for long engagement. Living together and supporting themselves before marriage would help them learn how to live independently or if they can and if they are compatible for the long haul.
OP responded:
He lives on campus, my sister lives with me sometimes and otherwise a friend of hers.