'AITA for refusing plans with friends after they bailed on my birthday?'
"AITA for refusing plans with friends after they bailed on my birthday?"
I (23F) recently decided to distance myself, possibly for good, from two of my closest friends, Ally (24F) and AJ (22M). AJ has been my best friend since we were three. Ally and I became close at thirteen.
We grew up together, shared milestones, and supported each other through everything. I believed they were two of the most important people in my life. Birthdays have always been incredibly hard for me. I grew up with abusive parents who ruined every celebration.
One year I went through a breakup on my birthday; last year my childhood dog died that day. Because of that, birthdays are emotionally overwhelming and remind me of trauma and loss.
AJ and Ally know all of this. When I was 21, I moved alone to another country, supported myself through grad school, and built a life I’m proud of. Even so, I still struggle to feel joy on days that are “supposed” to be happy.
Earlier this year, both of them moved to the same country for grad school, and for the first time in years, I felt like I’d finally have my closest friends nearby. My birthday is this month.
A few months ago, they both promised to visit and celebrate with me. I told them they didn’t need to, but they insisted and talked about it for months. They also coaxed me to take PTO for a day so we get 5 days together, (my birthday falls on the Thanksgiving weekend) so I did.
Then in October, Ally texted that flights were too expensive (about $150) and not worth it for only five days. I told her I understood, even though it hurt. AJ agreed it was disappointing and reassured me he’d still come. For context, he lives in the same state as me.
Today, AJ told me his cousin invited him to spend fall break with him in another state. He said he might go there instead but would still come see me the day after my birthday.
I told him not to. It felt like he wanted to ease his guilt, not actually be there for me. I said I didn’t want a pity visit, but he keeps insisting and is now upset that I keep saying no. Ally also keeps hinting at wanting me to fly down instead (because she's lonely, boyfriend flying out of town) so we could still celebrate together.
What makes it worse is how much I’ve done for both of them. When AJ moved here, I took time off work to spend his birthday with him and drove two hours to pick him up from the airport. For Ally, I sent her a gift before she moved and made sure she had support.
They know how painful birthdays are for me. They promised to come, made me hopeful, then backed out. I understand people have their own lives, but I also know what it feels like to be someone’s last option. That’s exactly how this feels.
It’s not just about the birthday. It’s about being promised care, letting myself hope, and then being treated like an afterthought. I feel hurt in a way that’s hard to describe. So AITA for refusing any alternate plans and staying upset over this?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Yikes. Pressuring you to take PTO and then saying flights are too expensive? Why wouldn’t she have bought a ticket BEFORE that. And AJ literally dumping you because better plans came along? WTAF. Obviously NTA.
NTA. If she won't spend $150 to visit you, you shouldn't spend that much to go visit Ally. I'm sorry your "friends" are prioritizing other plans instead of their friendship with you. Give them back the same energy they're giving you.
I’m so sorry your birthdays have not been joyful days for many reasons. I want to encourage you to make some personal, just for you birthday traditions which don’t rely on others. Get a cake for you to enjoy. Do a volunteer day at a shelter in honor of your childhood pup, watch a movie that makes you happy. Make it about you.
I know we hope for reciprocity from friends but we cannot rely on that for our own joy. IF you truly feel AJ is only offering to come because he feels guilty and not because he is good friend, then prepare to see that friendship fade. I expect he does want to see you and you could still enjoy a day together. Whatever you decide, make sure you celebrate you!
NTA. Can you return the PTO except your birthday? Then follow the suggestion of creating your own traditions that help you heal and make you happy on that day.
As to your friends, if there is no pattern of them letting you down and not being there for you (this is the first time), give them the opportunity to make it up to you - but you decide what They need to do for you to forgive them.
Signal-Trance-8224 (OP)
I wish! I have Thursday to Friday off anyhow (Thanksgiving) and then my birthday is on the weekend. So I had those 4 days off anyway. I don't know if I'll return the PTO I took for Wednesday... because now I'm considering taking a 5 day vacation out of state. Somewhere in the middle of this all, I forgot that I have a full time big girl job now that pays enough lmao.
Yeah NTA. I’m genuinely sorry OP. I’m also a “birthdays never seem to work out” person and probably celebrate a birthday once every 5 years. It’s so much easier to psychologically prep yourself to just get past the day without notice or minimal involvement, because it’s usually the safest outcome.
But having friends hype you up for months just to not commit? Procrastinate on flights, and even convince you to spend money to come see them? Yeah, that’s a hard blow. They legit raised your expectations and let them crash down without a care for who (you) had to pick up the pieces.
I’d probably hold off on making a decision about the friendships til’ you’ve had time to think about what you want long term, and what all you might want to say to your friends.
If I can offer any advice, although unsolicited, please make your own plans. Even it’s a long walk where you used to take your family dog, volunteering at the humane society, a self care day, buying yourself something nice, working on an art piece or spending some time playing a fun game. Rewrite the narrative, you deserve it.
Signal-Trance-8224 (OP)
Yeah, it's not so much the bailing (though that obviously sucked), as much as the lack of a sincere apology and instead, their bombardment for me to now change my schedule again so they could feel better about themselves.
You cannot make up for that, but we'd get past it. What hurts is that my time is just considered to be flexible. My friend (who lives in a different country) is trying to convince me to take a solo trip with my dog instead. I might just do that now that I have 5 days.
100%. Bailing is one thing, but pity plans seem insulting without a genuine apology to back it up, especially when they’re asking you to do the leg work. A trip with your dog sounds splendid. Do it, and post cute photos of your dog in an update when you do 🐾