'AITA for refusing to punish my daughter after she blew up on the class clown that she didn't want at her birthday party?'

"AITA for refusing to punish my daughter after she blew up on the class clown that she didn't want at her birthday party?"

My daughter is 13 and she goes to a small school. Her grade only has 18 students (10 boys and 8 girls). My daughter also has other friends from the sports she does.

We plan to have her go to a much larger high school in the future. Her 13th birthday party was last weekend and I asked who she wanted to invite, she wanted to invite 7 of the girls from her class and 5 from her soccer team. The one girl she doesn't want to invite is name Kelly.

My daughter doesn't like Kelly, she is the class clown in her grade and my daughter finds her annoying and attention-seeking. I asked her why she didn't want her there and her response was "she ruins school for me all the time, I don't want her to ruin my birthday." I agreed with her list and sent the invites out. My ex-wife is invited to all her major milestone instead of us doing separate events.

I learned an hour before the party my ex-wife sent an invite to Kelly since her mom found out about the party. My daughter was not happy to see her (it was a surprise for her), I told her to enjoy the party. It was going well until the cake came out, my daughter wanted a glitter cake (when you blow out the candles glitter goes everywhere).

While everyone was around the cake, Kelly took her fingers and swiped icing off the top layer of the cake. It ruined the cake and my daughter lost it. She yelled at Kelly, basically saying, "What is wrong with you, this is why I didn't want you her and that you ruin everything." She ran to her room after and Kelly was crying.

Kelly's parent is wanting an apology, my ex-wife wants her to apologize as well. I am refusing to make her do that or punish her at all. I pointed out that my ex never should have invited her and to the mom that her child ruined the cake, and that at 12-years-old should know better. They are calling me an ass and my daughter is just upset.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Safeword9999 wrote:

Your ex is a huge problem. She should be apologising to your daughter.

OP responded:

She has an issue overstepping, one of the reasons for the divorce.

seanthebean24 wrote:

NTA but here’s what you do, you send the parents an email and cc your ex.

“To whom it may concern, My daughter and I will not apologize for her words that were spoken when Kelly chose to ruin her birthday cake. Your child is 10-years-old. That is old enough to know basic manners and how to behave in public."

"She was not invited or wanted there by my daughter but as my ex wife chose to invite you, my daughter tried to be civil. Kelly will not be invited to any events that we host in the future. Perhaps if you spent more time teaching Kelly good manners and proper behavior instead of enabling her antics she might be better liked. This is the last discussion we will have on this issue”

If there are any problems at school bring it up with the teachers, the class clowns ruin school for actual students.

Lucky_Log2212 wrote:

NTA. And, let the mom know that you expect her to pay for a new cake. What person expects an apology when someone ruins someone's property. This is also the time that you let your ex-wife know that she will have her own events with your daughter as she has shown she has poor judgement and is no longer invited to participate with events at your home or that you sponsor.

Your ex-wife needs to understand that it is not a competition and you will not let her play her games with your daughter. Hell NO. No apology until they understand that your daughter responded to a horrible act from that kid. And, if she doesn't change her attitude, this will continue on and on. It is not funny or a joke.

DidHeJustGoThere wrote:

NTA. Your daughter established boundaries with a particular person, and you respected her decision. When that person showed up anyway, they demonstrated why your daughter wanted the boundary. Her freaking out is justified.

BayAreaPupMom wrote:

Kelly isn't a class clown, she's a b#$ly. Your ex wife is trying to play the "popularity" game, which is likely because she feels excluded as a single parent and wants to be in with all the moms at the school. You were right to stand to for your daughter, and kudos to her for attempting to make the most of your ex's interference.

Your ex is the one who owes everyone an apology for over ruling her daughter's wishes. Kelly owes your daughter an apology for ruining her cake. That her parents are not holding her accountable is likely why Kelly is insufferable to begin with. Your daughter owes no one an apology for standing up for herself against a bully. NTA.

Ok_Ad_2437 wrote:

NTA. A 12-year-old should and does know better. Kelly is at the age where she’s going to start facing natural social consequences for her actions. A lot of people will probably jump on the “but what if she’s neurodivergent???!!!!” wagon but neurodivergent children can and should learn right from wrong and swiping frosting off someone else’s cake is pretty basic manners.

GirlDad2023_ wrote:

Kelly ruined the cake and the party, I'd hold mom responsible for inviting her. Your daughter is NTA at all. You seem to be the only level headed person in this fiasco.

PacificWesterns wrote:

As a former middle school teacher (now HS), NTA. Your daughter is NTA. This girl, this clown, has been allowed to disrupt the classroom, to steal learning opportunities from her classmates, to do whatever she pleases. The parents have supported her awful behavior. I guarantee they have been contacted by the teacher.

I promise you they have. And they were either non-responsive or threatening in response. They are enabling this behavior and your daughter called the kid on it. And THAT IS OKAY. That is your daughter defending herself after enduring time, attention, and energy theft by this kid in class. NTA. That girl and her parents are.