'AITA for refusing to reconnect with my mom?' 'She only gave me up for adoption to chase a man.'
"AITA for refusing to reconnect with my mom after finding out she only gave me up for adoption to chase a man?"
I was adopted at birth. My parents never kept it from me. I grew up knowing I was chosen, and I never felt like something was missing because my adoptive parents gave me a loving and stable home, so much to the point where I never seriously even considered searching for my birth parents.
But last year curiosity got the better of me and I took one of those 23andMe DNA tests, mostly to learn about medical history and heritage. A few days after I took my tests I've seen that my "mother" has messaged me and while I was a bit surprised at first I did decide to reply to her.
She said she always wondered about me and that she hoped I had a good life, at first I was a little cautious (for obvious reasons) but she did seem genuine so we exchanged numbers and started messaging and eventually even called and later on the calls turned into Facetime.
I thought that this could be something nice and healing, but then she told me why she gave me up and the reason really hurt me, it wasn't because she was struggling or wanted a better future for me like you see in the movies, it was because she was in love with a man who didn't want any kids.
When she got pregnant she didn't tell him and says she hid it from him (how do you hide a pregnancy from someone for 9 months???), once I was born she gave me up for adoption so that she didn't lose him. Said it was a hard decision but the way she spoke about it was like she was reminiscing about a great romance and not about giving away her own child.
And truth be told this really hurt me, I tried to hide it but couldn't. All this time she didn't give me up because she was struggling or wanted a better life for me, she gave me up because I was inconvenient for her life.
I told her I needed space and that I couldn't act like nothing was wrong. She said I was being unfair because she was just young and scared. I talked about this to my adoptive parents and they're being supportive regardless of my decision but they want to stay neutral as it's between me and my "mother." AITA for walking away from her after finding out this?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
tucsong1rl said:
OMG totally NTA. I'll give her credit for telling you the truth. But regardless what her reasons were, you don't owe her anything. She's the one who chose not to keep you. You do what's best for you. Luckily, it sounds like you have great parents.
Only-Acanthaceae2736 said:
NTA - did your bio mother mention if she is still with the man who was worth giving up your own child? I wonder how he would feel knowing all of this and that he has a child. Your adoptive parents sound like wonderful people and I’m glad they have been so loving and supportive.
ArchAngel__222 said:
NTA. That was super harsh and selfish.
Difficult_Mood_3225 said:
NTA, even though her choice gave you a stable life and a better life than you probably would have had with her that wasn’t her intention. And you are allowed to feel whatever you do about it.
You also don’t owe anyone a relationship ever, do what is best for you, and if that’s hard, remember that she chose what was best for her. On another note, please, please please take care of yourself, therapy!
Difficult_Mood_3225 said:
NTA, even though her choice gave you a stable life and a better life than you probably would have had with her that wasn’t her intention. And you are allowed to feel whatever you do about it. You also don’t owe anyone a relationship ever, do what is best for you, and if that’s hard, remember that she chose what was best for her. On another note, please, please please take care of yourself, therapy!
AppointmentHot1099 said:
NTA. As for the how do you hid a pregnancy for 9 months comment: the women on my mom's side of the family NEVER show in the first pregnancy. My mom, her half sisters, everyone has photos of them throughout their first pregnancies, and they never grew out of their jeans.
My mom would joke that she would only get fat from eating a big meal while pregnant with me. Some even have old VHS tapes of them at their baby showers and people asking if they're really pregnant. My mom said her coworkers never believed her and would ask my dad if he was sure she wasn't lying to keep him