'AITA for refusing to refer my brother to my workplace even though my parents are upset?'
"AITA for refusing to refer my brother to my workplace even though my parents are upset?"
I (24F) work in a high paying job that I got through a friends referral. I worked very very hard to get here. I started applying like nuts after my graduation and worked since my graduation which is around 3 years. I took this time to groom myself and become independent. I am the youngest of all my siblings.
My dad has been out of a job for couple of years and it has been very mentally taxing on us since he was the sole bread winner. I sometimes treat my siblings out to food and entertainment (despite being youngest) and I do that because I want to eat food, and I have to order it for them too because otherwise it seems unkind and selfish (even if the bill racks up 3x..)
My oldest brother (28M) just finished his bachelor’s after many years. He has no experience, doesn’t apply anywhere, and spends most of his time playing games. He’s also verbally rude to me and often disrespects our parents.
Recently my mom and dad asked me to refer my brother to my job since it does not require a lot of experience and is mostly contact-based. She said that since someone referred me, I should do the same for him. She’s clearly hurt that I hesitated, but I’m reluctant because:
My brother is 28 and literally is the most careless person in this world. He has made no efforts for himself.
He is very verbally toxic when things don't go his way and I just don't want to share professional space with him.
I've literally tried helping him for two months to apply for jobs. I even created an email account and applied to all sorts of places but no luck. I created the CV too. Still, I feel awful because my parents are heartbroken and think I’m being selfish. I love them deeply and understand their worry, but I just can’t bring myself to risk my reputation for someone who doesn’t even try.
AITA for saying no?
EDIT: maybe (MAYBE) he can do a good job, but I am mostly mad at how he treats me. and gosh, I just..feel awful about it.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Whereweretheadults wrote:
NTA, "She said that since someone referred me, I should do the same for him." And that is what we call a false equivalency, aka a logical fallacy. Your friend referred you because they saw who you were, hard working and dedicated. You mom is just poo-pooing your work and implying anyone can do your job - like your lazy, emotionally immature brother.
That should actually make you angry. I'm going to read between the lines a little. Let's see, Dad's out of work for several years. Elder bro is toxic and entitled. Mom uses manipulation and guilt to get what she wants. They are raising you to be a doormat.
A doormat they can take advantage of - like letting their youngest feed their other children. You may love your parents, but they don't hesitate to call you selfish to manipulate you into doing what they want.
Protip: Anyone who resorts to being "heartbroken" and shaming you just because you don't immediately agree to their demands is just being manipulative and controlling. This is what we call toxic behavior.
No_Leading_7144 wrote:
NTA. Your brother sounds like he would embarrass and create problems for you at work. Possibly even get you fired by creating scenes and telling lies about you. At twenty four (and the youngest in the family) you need to move out. I get it that you are the bread winner but they need to get jobs even if it is only at fast food or being a sales clerk.
Sounds like parents need to tell bro that he has a certain amount of time to get a job or move out. They can not afford to let him just spend his life playing video games. I'll bet he's an entitled ah your parents have allowed to get away with anything. Move out or be prepared to support them ( him) his whole life,constantly bailing him out of difficulties he creates.
Loki-L wrote:
NTA. If you recommend your brother and he screws things up it would reflect negatively on you. Perhaps make it clear that recommending him could jeopardize your ability to financially contribute in the way you describe in your post and make it clear that you tried other things to help him get a job.
Also if you want to be confrontational point out that their idea that your brother could do your job is putting down your hard work.
zombie_Ernie wrote:
It's about time your brother stood on his own two feet. I gave a family member a recommendation years ago, mainly on the back of his Dad's work ethic [ I assumed he'd be the same].
First day he was late, second and third day he was sick. The next Monday he decided the job wasn't for him. Not only did I let the guy down who hired him. It also made me look like a right mug for recommending him.
international-fee255 wrote:
NTA. Just say you will refer him and then don't. Tell them the boss told you he didn't have enough employment experience and he needs to have more experience before they will consider him.
gigpig wrote:
NTA. Absolutely do not refer your brother. When you hire someone in a professional setting, you are held responsible for that person’s mistakes. Listen to your intuition. You know that your parents are asking you to do something that could hurt your career and independence.
Elegant_Bluebird_460 wrote:
Firmly NTA. This is your job, never mix family and your work. Also, most companies do not allow referral for a family member and I would lean on that.