'AITA for refusing to save my half-sister I never knew existed from foster care?'

"AITA for refusing to save my half-sister I never knew existed from foster care and for refusing to help my grandparents do it?"

I (23f) lost my mom to brain cancer when I was 15. My mom was on hospice for 9 months (she lived longer than expected but declined regularly). A month before she died I found out my dad was having an affair with her best friend.

The two of them claimed they were supporting and leaning on each other and it wasn't supposed to hurt anyone. My mom was too far gone to be told. She lost a lot of her bodily functions and her hearing and vision were poor too. I was sick and I told my dad I was never coming back home and I would be moving in with my maternal grandparents. He tried to stop me but I wasn't listening.

When mom passed I was with her and I went home to my grandparents afterward. The day of the funeral I learned my dad and mom's best friend had an affair for years before mom got sick and it wasn't a 'we leaned on each other through grief' thing like they claimed. My dad even got her pregnant when I was 7. She terminated the pregnancy so mom would never find out.

This is actually true because my dad confirmed it. I cut off all contact with my dad and his affair partner. I told my paternal grandparents I wanted to hear nothing about dad and her. I did not want to be invited over when they were there and I did not want any help with those relationships because there wasn't going to be one. They told me they respected that.

My dad passed a few weeks ago, so did affair partner. My paternal grandparents told me about it and said they had a 2 year old daughter together and that no arrangements were made for her. They asked me to consider contacting the social worker overseeing her care and say I wanted to take care of her.

They said the would help me out financially with that. But that she needed a home and I was her sister. I told them I wasn't contacting anybody and I was not taking in some random child. They told me she wasn't some random child she's my sister. They told me to forget half, forget the affair, who her parents are and just think that she is my flesh and blood sibling and the only people willing to take her is us.

I told them that was not true and I was not willing to take her. I said they could take her if they were so concerned but I would not be doing so. I don't know how true this is but my grandparents told me affair partner's family had already been contacted and declined to take her and she was with a temporary foster family.

My paternal grandparents tried to change my mind but I stood firm. They then asked me if I would help out and have a relationship with her if they took her in. I said no. I told them I am not helping anyone take care of her and I do not want a relationship. They told me to meet her at least once and then see. I said no. I told them the decision is firmly up to them but they need to be aware the will not have my help.

They contacted my maternal grandparents and gave them a hard time. They told my maternal grandparents to talk me into giving this a chance because it wasn't good for me to hold such a cold stance against a literal child who is related to me whether I like it or not. My maternal grandparents told them where to go and then they gave me a heads up.

I told my paternal grandparents if they did not stop I would cut all contact between us as well whether they took her in or not. I said none of this is my problem and I refuse to make it my problem. They tried to argue with me that they can't do it on their own and I told them I would be blocking them since they refused to listen.

They begged me not to and said they would stop. That lasted 5 days and they started again so I blocked them. But then they called my maternal grandparents again and gave them shit again and said some very unkind things about me (putting it mildly).

I don't want to stop them from rescuing her as the put it. I would never tell them what to do with their own lives and home. All I can tell them is what I won't do. This child is innocent but so are lots of other children and that's how I see her, as just any other child. AITA?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

No_Pick_8808 wrote:

NTA. The kid has nothing to do with you, and apparently has two sets of its own grandparents. If they can't figure it out it's not up to you.

OP responded:

She has aunts and uncles too. But apparently my paternal grandparents are the only people who want her. Yet they don't want her if they have to do it alone apparently. They can say they don't feel like they could all they like but if they were determined enough I'm sure there are resources that could help.

Ok_Conversation9750 wrote:

NTA. They are literally trying to pawn the child off on you because they don't want to deal with raising her themselves. Tell them they can put the child up for adoption so she doesn't have to be put in the foster system, then show your parents how to block them, too!

OP responded:

My grandparents know how to block. I'm hoping they'll just rip that band aid off so they can't use others to try and yell and insult me.

Trick-Being1959 wrote:

NTA. Nobody should take in a child in these circumstances unless they really want to. It’s not only not fair on them it’s also not fair on the child to be with someone who doesn’t want them

What people also forget what is about genetics - what if this child is a mini me of her mother and that’s all you can see, you can’t love her and her presence gives you trauma. If your grandparents want to do it they can if they don’t at 2-years-old she should get adopted pretty quickly by someone who is desperate for a child.

OP responded:

My grandparents expect me to overlook everything else and just see how she's related to me. That exercise might work for some but it doesn't work for me.

Tangerineinternal620 wrote:

NTA. The affair partners family should handle this.

OP responded:

According to my grandparents none of them want her either hence the temporary foster family.

Bobthemagiccow wrote:

NTA. I’m so sorry, you’ve been through a LOT! No, you have no obligation to this 2yo half-sister you didn’t know about. Your having no obligation to her doesn’t rest on any of those facts though: you’d have no obligation to (say) a 10yo cousin you did know about, either. What this hinges on, to me, is whether you want to be a parent right now. Your “no” is the end of the story.

Plus, you’ve got a lot of understandable resentment towards your dad and his affair partner, which would understandably transmute into resentment at being stuck raising their daughter. And parenting would totally transform your life in ways you’d be liable to resent to begin with if you’re not entering into it enthusiastically.

As your paternal grandparents observed, the daughter doesn’t deserve that — so you’re the wrong choice to raise her. Society has a collective responsibility to see that this 2yo is taken care of, and this is why foster care / adoption exists. That’s not on you. I really hope you’re getting or can get some therapy!

OP responded:

I'm not in therapy currently. But I went for around 4.5 years after my mom died and things just unraveled.

Wishiwashome wrote:

NTA. Helluva thing to ask. It wouldn’t have made any difference imo if the affair was while your Mom was sick or long term. It was betrayal. Longterm or shorterm isn’t the issue here. I am guessing your paternal grandparents are my age(60f) I wouldn’t want to raise a small child now either, BUT I sure as hell wouldn’t be trying to guilt trip someone who was wronged( you) and saw their mother wronged.

OP responded:

It is and it's a helluva ask they won't do on their own. I understand they might feel like they can't but then they have to accept reality. Maybe try to have a relationship with her if they want it so bad while she's in foster care. But I do wish they would back the hell away from the idea that I will raise her.