'AITA for refusing to send my kids to live with my deported husband?'
"AITA for Refusing to Send My Kids to Live with My Deported Husband?"
I’m 33F, married for 7 years with 3 kids (15F, 6M, 3M). Last night, I decided this marriage isn’t what I want for myself or my kids anymore. I feel emotionally, physically, and financially drained, and after doing everything I could, I’ve concluded divorce is the best option.
Back in October 2023, my husband (36M, let’s call him Jay) had a legal issue that led to court proceedings, probation, and restitution. I paid for legal fees, an ankle monitor, and other expenses related to this case.
In July 2024, he was detained due to his undocumented status, which I knew about before marriage. For years, he convinced me to use my tax return for other things instead of handling his paperwork, which I now regret. He’s currently in Colombia with his mother after narrowly avoiding deportation.
Since October, every paycheck I get, he’s been asking for money to cover one issue or another. Meanwhile, I had to leave our previous rental because 75% of my income was going to rent, even with two jobs. I now live with my sister, who’s been incredibly supportive and encouraged me to stop overworking myself.
Jay hasn’t worked in 5 years due to worsening health issues caused by poor self-care—long hours, energy drinks, and unhealthy eating. I did everything I could to help him: found clinics, paid for insulin, and supported him. But I’ve always been the primary breadwinner, even working two jobs to keep us afloat.
I visited him in November, using airline miles and leaving the kids with family. He wants me to move to Colombia with the boys (6 and 3), saying we could live in his mother’s empty apartment.
However, the apartment is unfurnished, he has no job, his elderly mother couldn’t help, and the kids don’t speak enough Spanish for school. I said no, but he insists the boys would be better off with him. He even suggested I stop paying my car and insurance to send him more money, which I refused.
I already send $300 biweekly, but it’s never enough. Yesterday, I told him I can’t keep sending money. He got upset, saying I’d be less stressed with two fewer kids in the house and could work two jobs again. He thinks this would “solve” everything, but I’m done. I won’t send my boys there, and I won’t abandon my kids or let him manipulate me.
TL;DR: My undocumented husband doesn’t work, keeps asking for money, and wants me to send our young sons to live with him in Colombia. I said no. AITA?
Let's see what readers thought:
crima23 writes:
NTA. Need more info but I suspect husband will increase that to more and more every two weeks and use the kids as leverage for more money. If he isn’t going to work. Sounds like also in financial duress.
If the kids aren’t fluent for public school, private school is an option. But it would cost. It doesn’t sound like he’s thinking with the idea of him working too.
Assuming getting paid 2x month $600 USD = 2,625,603.02 COP. The average Colombian salary is 4,690,000 COP which is about 1K US Monthly.
agha7aa writes:
ESH. The children are going to be the ones to suffer unfortunately. It sounds like the younger children are going to lose their father or mother.
falalon09 writes:
NTA. If he can’t get by now then how is he going to get by with two kids he has to care for as well? Divorce him and move on with your life.