"AITA for refusing to send my MIL a pic of our daughter?"
A little bit of backstory - during my pregnancy my MIL wasn't excited for us, and was disappointed to learn we were having a girl. Some things happened between her and my SIL who was looking after her and MIL ended up going back to her almost ex husband against SIL's wishes.
(Almost ex husband had been really sneaky about springing the divorce on MIL and was already dating someone else before kicking her out of the house, which is why she was living with SIL). During her stay with SIL, she had to stay over at our house for a couple of weeks when SIL and her family went on vacations that were pre-planned...
While staying with us she actively sought to cause problems between my husband and I and said things to me about how she was going to be the one to raise my child while I was at work because my husband was incompetent and wouldn't know what to do!
She rearranged décor in my house without my knowledge and would wait for me to be in the midst of cleaning or cooking to tell me she needed to go to the store to get basic things like a toothbrush and underwear.
(She asked me this like the day before she was due to end her stay with us...like what had she been using the whole time?) I tried to be graceful and as accommodating as I could without allowing her to manipulate me.
Fast forward to her moving back unexpectedly to her almost ex husband and essentially writing off her kids - SIL told her she would go no contact if she went back and that likely my husband would too! He didn't block her or anything, but didn't actively reach out to her.
It's now been almost a year, she never reached out during the rest of the pregnancy to ask how we were doing or anything which I was fine with, I have no interest in having a relationship with her. I feel sorry for her but harbor no ill will towards her. The sticking point I am in right now is that she is texting my husband asking for pictures of our child...
I don't want her having any kind of access to our child because she hasn't even acknowledged her wrongdoings/mistakes but believes she has a right to access our child. My husband wants to send her a pic, I do not and we keep arguing over it (not MAJOR arguments, but he is upset that I keep saying no).
He keeps telling me I need to forgive her for what she did, which I feel like I have, but does that mean that she deserves access to me and my child again to cause more problems? My husband also thinks I am judging her, which honestly I probably am a little bit because now as a mother I can't imagine doing the things she did to her kids.
When I met her she already had 2 kids that were no contact with her, the one daughter who still spoke to her and took care of her basically got kicked in the teeth and decided she would also go no contact. My husband is the last of her children that will still respond to her messages.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Scenarioing said:
You have an enormous husband problem. He totally fails to understand that no forgiveness is required. It is HE who needs to protect the family he made and, that when you disrespect a parent, you don't access to their child.
dryadduinath said:
I mean, I feel fine standing firm on the line of “I will not forgive her if she does not apologize” and also in general “I will not give someone access to my child if I know they behave badly towards people." NTA.
Interesting-Novel821 said:
NTA, OP. Flip the script on your husband. Ask him why he’s still so desperate for his mommy’s approval after she said he was a failure as a father, refused to acknowledge your daughter before or after she was born, and disrespected his wife and actively caused chaos within your marriage.
Your child is not for sale. That’s the problem: The price of his mother’s approval is pictures of a grandchild she refuses to recognize. The price of his mother’s approval SHOULD have been back when he was a child. Not as a fully grown adult with his own family now.
That_Bee_Baker said:
NTA. It's the inch that will make her want to push for the yard - more access. And you said in comments below you don't share pictures of your daughter online, so really anyone you don't truly trust shouldn't get those pictures.
HootblackDesiato said:
NTA. You are free to judge her - how can you not? And you not obligated to send her any pictures of your children.
LauraPtown said:
Your husband is absolutely going to send a pic. That’s the real problem…. NTA but you will lose if you don’t lay the hammer down on him. With real consequences.