Woman rejects wedding invite after sister mocks late wife and claims family necklace; 'you're not really married anymore.' AITA?
"AITA for refusing to go to my sister's wedding after she disrespected my late wife and demanded a family heirloom?"
FlightAny7202
I (32F) lost my wife, Lily (30F), two years ago in a car accident. Losing her shattered my world, and I’ve been trying to pick up the pieces ever since. My family, though, has never really understood what I’ve been going through. To be honest, they never fully accepted my marriage to Lily in the first place.
When we got married, my grandma gave me a necklace that’s been passed down in our family for generations. It’s a tradition that the women in the family get it when they marry, and it meant the world to me because it felt like one of the few times my marriage to Lily was actually recognized as real.
Since Lily passed, my sister Emma (28F), who’s always been the golden child, has been eyeing the necklace. She’s getting married soon and recently mentioned how, now that I’m “not really married anymore,” I should pass it on to her.
That was hard to hear, but what really broke me happened last week at a family dinner. We were talking about her wedding, and she made a joke about setting me up with one of her fiancé Luke’s (35M) friends. I felt uncomfortable, but tried to brush it off. Then she said, “At least Lily won’t be there to haunt you if you hook up with someone!”
I couldn’t believe she said that. I didn’t even know how to react—I just sat there. Later, when I told her how hurtful it was, she rolled her eyes and told me I was being “too sensitive,” that I needed to stop being “so depressing” and “lighten up.”
Then she brought up one of her bridesmaids, Sarah, who had a crush on me even when Lily was alive, and suggested I “have some fun” with her at the wedding. As if my wife hadn’t mattered.
I told her there was no way I could come to the wedding if that’s how she feels about Lily and my grief. Things escalated from there. Emma accused me of being “dramatic” and said I was ruining her big day over “one little joke.”
My parents took her side, saying I should just let it go and show up to support my sister. They even mentioned again how I should give Emma the family necklace, saying that since I’m “not using it anymore,” it should go to her now.
Since then, I’ve been bombarded with calls from my parents, Emma, and even Luke. They’ve all told me I’m selfish, that I need to “move on” and stop holding onto the past. Luke even said I should be grateful my family didn’t disown me when I came out, as if I owe them something for barely tolerating me.
Now, I’m questioning everything. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to go to her wedding after all this? Part of me wonders if I should just suck it up and go, but another part of me can’t believe how little my family seems to care about Lily, or me, for that matter.
Sorry if this is a bit rambling—I’ve had a few drinks and I’m still trying to process everything. There’s more to this, but I’m running out of space. AITA for refusing to go to the wedding and keeping the family necklace, or should I just give in to keep the peace?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Apart-Ad-6518
NTA
"She’s getting married soon and recently mentioned how, now that I’m “not really married anymore,” I should pass it on to her."
No. You absolutely shouldn't. Your grandmother gave it to you to honor your marriage.
"They’ve all told me I’m selfish, that I need to “move on” and stop holding onto the past. Luke even said I should be grateful my family didn’t disown me when I came out, as if I owe them something for barely tolerating me."
So your sister's clearly met her match in mean spirited entitlement then. I totally get why you don't want to go. So don't.
Keep the necklace. I'm sorry you have such an insensitive bunch of idiots as a family & even sorrier for your loss. Maybe go L or NC while you grieve. I hope you have other supportive people in your life. ETA judgement.
MarathonRabbit69
Lol I missed the Luke comment. What a toxic and entitled piece of trash commentary. OMG I feel bad for OP.
teresajs
NTA. Please put the necklace in a safe deposit box at a bank so no one can steal it from you. And make other plans (weekend away or time with a couple friends) instead of attending the wedding. Message a family member to let them know that you're safe but won't be attending Emma's wedding due to her poor treatment of you. Then, immediately turn your phone completely off for the entire weekend.
Apart-Scene-9059
Info: When it comes to the necklace do all women in the family wear it for their wedding or just one person from each generation?
FlightAny7202 (OP)
The necklace is supposed to be given to the first woman in each generation who gets married. Since I received it for my wedding to Lily, it’s my keepsake. The tradition doesn’t involve passing it on until the next generation, so it’s important to me as a symbol of my marriage and connection with Lily.
ThatGuyWhoEatsBagels
You were the first woman who was married first. You get the necklace. Your wife dies, but you can still keep the necklace because it's a memory of your happy times with your wife. Your sister doesn't get it just because your wife died and now she's getting married.
Roderick567
NTA - no one should force you out of grief and mourning. Only you can make the determination of when you are ready to move on. Your family is being complete AHs because what they are telling you with this is that they have no more room for you in dealing with the loss of your wife, which is absolutely appalling.
Your sister is an AH for obvious reason, but your parents are too because they have decided that it is easier to try and push you out of mourning that it is to admonish your sister who has a wedding coming up.
They’ve probably put a lot of money into the wedding and don’t want to chance at being uninvited should they side with you, OP. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. I wanna give you a big hug!