Sister cuts ties after bride lies about £17k venue 'emergency.' AITA? UPDATED 4X
"AITA for refusing to go to my sisters wedding after finding out only our side of the family were having to pay to attend?"
So my younger sister (Katie 28F) and her partner (Chris 29M) are getting married in April in Dubai. She has always wanted an extravagant wedding and is going all out on this - so the wedding is happening over 4 days.
There are 70 guests but they want us (me, my husband, and parents) to stay in the same hotel with them along with her bridesmaids (which I am MOH) and groomsmen - the hotel is pretty lux so with flights is costing us just over £2900 each.
Chris’ family are also staying in the hotel which includes his parents, two brothers, and his nephew. They are well off - I don’t know exactly how much they earn combined but I know Katie is on 88k and she is the lower earner. But about 6 months ago Chris and Katie came to us and asked to borrow 17k more.
They stressed it would be a loan paid over time and said the venue had increased the price, Dubai law was different blah blah blah - they paid this money or they lost the lot - we believe them and I offered to loan 7k and my parents the other 10k.
So long story short - I have since found out through someone else that the 17k wasn’t for the venue - it was for Chris’ family to fly over there. They saw how much it was going to be, didn’t want to pay and refused to go.
I asked Katie and she confirmed so my first question was if they were paying for his parents why not pay for ours? (I would never expect them to pay for me - even if we couldn’t afford it, I’d have wished them well and stayed at home). And her answer was “because they can afford it”.
She got very defensive and said this was the fairest way she could think of doing it, it’s hard enough planning a wedding etc - but when I asked, if you genuinely thought this was the fairest way to do it, why did you lie about what the 17k was for and say it was a venue issue? She couldn’t answer.
My parents are aware and are very disappointed they lied - but have said they’re still attending - but I have backed out. To me it feels like my parents are being taken advantage - and if they couldn’t afford to pay for both our and Chris’ parents and his brothers and nephew then they shouldn’t have just paid for the 4 parents or no one at all. And they especially shouldn’t have lied about it.
Katie and Chris keep calling and asking me to attend, saying I’m making them feel bad and ruining their day. But the whole thing just feels… icky to me. I’m genuinely and open book so be brutal - am I being an AH here? Should I just suck it up and go?
Edit***
Just wanted to answer a couple of questions/comments that have come up a lot.
The repayment - my husband's brother is a solicitor and he kindly drew up a contract and repayment plan for both myself and my parents so the money will be paid off within 12 months of the wedding. If they don't stick to this I have access to a free solicitor haha. I hope it wouldn't come to that - but that's why I have the papers for worst case scenario.
Asking for the 7K back - Imight be a soft touch, but asking for this back feels like a step too far. Like I'm mad as hell but not enough to actively try ruin their wedding a few weeks before which it feels like (right now at least) is what that would be doing. But hey - give me a few more days to stew.
Edit 2***
A few people have asked about Chris' family or seem to have the impression they're well off. I'm obviously not privy to their financial situation, but what the limited amount I do know from what Katie has said Chris and his family gree up very poor.
Before all this I'd always though Chris was a lovely guy but I had caught him in the odd but harmless white lie (things like where he went to school, the type Of house he grew up in, etc). I get the impression he is embarrassed or resentful of his upbringing giving their lack of money and this is how he now values his own self worth - by his much money he has.
My guess is when his family said they couldn't go he panicked and worried people who ask why they weren't there and he would either have to say they couldn't afford it or he couldn't afford to pay for them.
And look, his past trauma/experience is not for me to judge - but if that were the case it just makes me more mad that they both didn't plan ahead and talk to friends/family about what they could afford BEFORE booking Dubai.
If it was such a dealbreaker for his family to be there they should have factored in the cost of paying for all parents to attend instead of thrusting a 3k per person bill at them and expecting them to rock up.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA: yet one of the many reasons I dislike destination weddings... they're the penultimate egocentric events.
One_Change4503 (OP)
Haha - I totally get this - we had a destination wedding in Italy as well TBH, however before we booked it we did rough price checks in terms of how much it would cost everyone before we booked.
It actually ended up being cheaper than a lot of places in the UK but also made a list of who/what we could afford to pay for and who our non-negotiable were in terms of if there were certain people would couldn’t make it/afford it then we’d just book somewhere in the UK.
It worked out in the end we had 15 people and we paid for everyone’s hotel room and the flights were about £240 each so we counted that as everyone’s “gift” to us as we figured after travel, gifts etc it probably wasn’t far off what people would pay to attend a local wedding. But I didn't expect Katie to do the same as I knew she was having 70 people and at the end of the day it’s her wedding.
If it was important to have the families there, then why are they doing this extravagant wedding…4 days!!…in Dubai, of all places? Why not someplace closer and less expensive for travel. It sounds like you’re all in the UK, so there are lots of great countries nearby that would have beautiful venues.
Three months later, the OP returned with an update.
So in short I didn’t end up going to the wedding. Katie and Chris basically harassed me constantly until few days before they were due to fly out I received a belligerent voicemail from Katie saying if I didn’t go I wasn’t her sister any more.
I was embarrassing myself and her and Chris, I was a horrible person, and most shockingly if I didn’t go then her and Chris wouldn’t be paying me OR my parents back for the money we loaned (so trying to blackmail me), she would say it was a gift, I faked the contract and I would have to take her to court.
She was clearly drunk at the time (the voicemail was left on the night she was having her “at home” hen do, which I also obviously didn’t attend) but it was so beyond anything I thought she was capable of. I ended up sharing it with my parents and they also reluctantly pulled out of attending.
I heard through friends and family in attendance at the wedding after her and Chris were telling everyone I had alienated her from her family and told lies to our parents, we gifted money and expected them to pay for us etc etc and they made the decision to uninvite myself and my husband…
Other, more insulting things were said that I don’t particularly want to go into - suffice to say they were very hurtful. As I mentioned in my post I had my brother in law (solicitor) draw up a contract for repayment for both myself and my parents.
What was supposed to be the first repayment date passed without word from either of them, so BIL picked up from there. His attempts to reach them were ignored apart from 1 email from what I think was a fake law firm outlining the money was “gifted”, the contract was fraudulent and to take them to court basically.
In response to that BIL sent a copy of the voicemail Katie left and a final demand outlining the payment plan was now null and void and we wanted the money in full within 30 days or we would indeed be going to court. Magically the full amount appeared in our accounts 5 days later.
Again I’ve heard on the grape vine since the wedding they have been telling anyone who would listen we asked for our “gift” back out of the blue and disowned them and how much of a difficult financial position they are in because of this.
So that’s that… I can’t see myself having a relationship with her after this which is devastating but at the same time, I truly believe now after everything that, that isn’t my fault. Thanks again to everyone who gave advice - I hope this update is enough for everyone who asked for one :)
EDIT: thanks everyone: I’m popping the original post here for a few people who have asked for it. I did put it in a comment and a few replies but it looks like it might have gotten lost.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
I’m a petty person, I would upload her message to all social media sites and tag her in them so people can hear, in her own words, how she was going to lie about all of that. You were NTA then and you are still NTA.
One_Change4503 (OP)
Everyone who has let me know what they’ve said has had my back and called her out on her lies (without my needing to fill them in in the situation)- she’s doing enough damage in her own. At this point I think the best thing I can do is let them dig their own grave and stay silent.
I think the worst part of this whole story is that if Katie had just been straight up and said "Hey, we really want this for our wedding, his parents can't afford it, we're willing to pay so they can attend, we just don't have the cash on hand with all the other wedding expenses, can you loan us money and we'll pay it back after the wedding?" OP sounds like they would have been cool with it. NTA.
Bro, if your wedding is in another country because you want to show off, you better be able to afford that and not ask your family for loans.
I'm sure this marriage will last forever.