'AITA for refusing to give my spouse money until they show me our marriage certificate?'
"AITA for refusing to give my spouse money until they show me our marriage certificate?"
Married for 15 years. Currently living in another country—my home country—away from my spouse and kids for work. My salary makes up about 3/4 of our household income. I send almost all of it to them and sleep on my parents’ sofa bed to save money. My commute to the office is 2 hours each way.
The last few years of our marriage have been an emotional roller coaster, with some highs and lows. This year, my spouse has done several things that feel very suspicious to me.
They’ve told me not to look for a job back home, refused to renew my visa (which I don’t need right now, but would if I got a job back there), and won’t show me a recent copy of our marriage certificate which I need to register our children’s birth certificates in my home country (kids are around 10 years old now).
I asked if the reason they won’t show it is because they divorced me. In their country, one person can file for divorce as long as both parties sign the paperwork. It’s illegal to do it fraudulently, but hard to prove someone fraudulently signed it.
I think they are pretending to be married to me because we own a house, car, bank accounts which they can take if I don't contest them. Also I would keep sending money home. It’s the time of the month when I usually send my paycheck. AITA if I refuse to send it until they show me an up-to-date copy of our marriage certificate?
I’m not trying to destroy my marriage—I love my spouse a lot —but I’m starting to feel like I might be getting taken advantage of. I could pay a lawyer to get the documents on my behalf, but that would cost me about a month’s salary. I can’t get the documents myself until Christmas, since it has to be done in person.
Is it a terrible move to give them an ultimatum? Part of me thinks that my low self esteem is making me imagine this. Spouse is telling me all of this is in my head and I need to start taking anti depressants. Going to bed now, so won't reply till morning.
Edit: I ended up replying to a few people as I couldn't sleep because I'm stressed out. I will post an update in January. The advice here has been helpful. Honestly, I don't think I can go through with making an ultimatum.
I will ask my wife tomorrow and see what she says (pretty sure it will be, "your crazy go on antidepressants"). Then check in December when I'm back. I will phone the embassy, too.
Final edit and update: I called my wife to tell her I was gonna start anti depressants. No mention of money or ultimatums. This year has been a stressful one for me, solely for the reasons in this post.
I asked her if she knew why I was so stressed. I told her I missed the kids, missed our family and I didn't know why she didn't want me home. Her reply, let's get divorced. I hung up out of shock, but messaged her back, saying ok.
I still have no freaking idea what happened or what went wrong. Feel sad to lose something so important to me, but also relief as I have some sort of closure knowing I'm not chasing someone who doesn't want me. I can move out of my parents house and try to put my life back together again.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
I don't think you are mate, you have your reasons to be suspicious and to be entirely fair, your wife is not helping with her behavior. I'd suggest you be straightforward and say what you feel, and if you are not convinced, you are in your right to make your decision, you are the one sending money home from a different country and going through a ton of suffering.
Surely there is an office where divorce and marriage are registered? I wouldn't rely on them, but instead contact the office and get the real scoop on your situation. Asking the possible villain to prove they aren't seems like a bad idea.
Stop sending money until December. Wife can provide documentation OR wait. Simple.
fanaticalenthusiasm (OP)
Down side to not sending money now is that my wife works part time and is raising our two kids alone while I'm gone. It's not just her who gets burned, but my two daughters.
Showing you a copy of your marriage certificate won’t show you if you’re divorced or not. That would be a whole other document. Contact the court system your their country and find something out on your own. Don’t rely on your spouse to give you what you’re looking for.
It's odd that they aren't providing the paperwork. It's also a really bad sign for your marriage that you even believe it's possible they'd do this to you. Can you go home early? I assume not.
Instead of saying you won't send money, can you say you can't send money, because you'll have to use it to pay a lawyer? If you're still married it should make sense to your spouse that it's better for them to send it than for you to hire a lawyer.
fanaticalenthusiasm (OP)
I think it's odd too. On the flip side I have a friend who said if their husband asked for a paternity test out of the blue, her reaction would be "wtf, stop being weird". Not apples to apples as its an easy document to get, but it is suddenly saying I don't trust you.
ESH - It sounds like both sides are preparing for a divorce, and skeptical of the other. Decide what you want to fight for and protect those things, then share your fears. Most of all, make sure the kids are safe.
It’s unclear what would happen if you don’t send the money. Is the house paid off, or is there a risk of foreclosure? Things like this are a huge factor in how you go about it, again thinking of the kids first. Is your partner violent? Then be especially careful if they have the kids.
To share another perspective - my sister’s kids qualify for passports and dual citizenship, but her partner won’t let them get either because he’s scared she’ll leave him and take the kids with her. I wouldn’t accept that from a partner personally, but like with my sister, it doesn’t make sense to me that you are either.
fanaticalenthusiasm (OP)
I think you are right that things are bad on both sides. I have said what's stressing me out, she probably has a list of things that I have done wrong too, otherwise I wouldn't be here. I don't want to sink marriage, it might already be done for.
To answer your other question my wife could cover mortgage etc on her salary being full time. She is s nurse in a hospital though and it would be very hard for her to raise two kids solo and work full time. Right now she is part time. I have worked out what I would be required to pay a child support but it's not enough for her to stay part time.
NTA, you need to look into this yourself and do anything and everything you can including not sending money home until you know what's going on. Maybe instead of sending money home you hire an attorney to find out what's actually going on at home if your spouse will not even allow you back into the country by supporting your Visa...Update me!