'AITA for refusing to take in my brother’s kids?' 'I said I would if something ever happened to him.' UPDATE
"AITA for refusing to take in my brother’s kids even though I once said I would if something ever happened to him?"
This is eating me up and I honestly don’t know what the right thing is anymore. I’m 34, divorced, and raising two kids of my own, ages 6 and 8. My older brother, Jake, was 38 when he passed away suddenly last month. Heart attack. No warning, no time to prepare. He had three kids, ages 4, 7, and 10. Their mother hasn’t been in the picture since the youngest was born.
Jake and I were close. About three years ago, he asked me if I’d take care of his kids if anything ever happened to him. I said yes. It wasn’t even a discussion. I loved his kids, he was my brother, and back then I was married, had a house, more income, more stability. I didn’t think twice.
A lot has changed. I got divorced last year, had to downsize into a two-bedroom apartment. I’m juggling full-time work, custody schedules, therapy for my oldest, and the general chaos of single parenting. I’m not drowning, but I’m definitely not floating either.
When Jake died, CPS contacted me. Turns out he had officially named me as guardian in his will. I didn’t know he had put it in writing. They told me that if I refused, the kids would go into foster care. I asked for a couple of days to think.
I visited the kids. They’re sweet and hurting and scared. The oldest barely made eye contact and kept lashing out. The middle one cried the whole time. The youngest is still in diapers and barely speaks. It broke me. I sat in my car afterward and cried until my chest hurt.
But I also knew, in that moment, that I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t take them in. Not because I don’t love them, but because I truly don’t think I can give them what they need without completely falling apart myself.
I told CPS no. They were placed in a temporary foster home. I’ve been checking in. I haven’t disappeared. But word got around fast. My aunt called me heartless and selfish. A cousin posted some vague thing on Facebook about people showing their true colors when it counts. Even a close friend stopped replying to my texts.
I feel like a horrible person. I promised Jake something and I didn’t follow through. But that promise came from a different version of me, one who wasn’t raising two kids alone and barely scraping by.
I can’t stop wondering if keeping that promise would have just destroyed all five of the kids involved. So now I’m stuck. Did I abandon my family, or did I make a painful but necessary choice? AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
YTA - sorry, but not even trying isn't ok. Family needs to step up for family, especially little kids. I think you made the wrong call here.
Allaboutbird said:
NTA. If you truly don't have the emotional resources to take care of these kids, then it's not even a choice - you can't do it. It's an incredibly sad situation, but that doesn't mean it's your fault. Why have some of these relatives who are full of opinions about the situation not stepped up to take the kids in?
Squeakhound said:
NTA. And I am sorry for your loss. Your aunt and cousin should step up and take custody since they have such strong opinions. Call them (a phone call not messaging) and tell them exactly what you told us. Then ask them what they can do to help those children?
Maybe you can call a family meeting and get a plan for the care of these children. You also have responsibilities to your own children. Also consider your local church community. There has to be a better way forward. A 4 year old who can barely talk and still wears diapers implies that all was not well in Jakes’s household before he died.
South_Air878 said:
YTA It doesn't even sounds like you tried to figure things out. The kids will get SS benefits, which you can use to help run your home. How can you look in the mirror?
pixie-ann said:
NTA absolutely not!! You made an incredibly hard decision and you made it for you. Very pointedly tell every single one of these busy bodies that they can take those children in themselves. And they can shut their mouths otherwise.
nuggets256 said:
YTA, if you make a promise like that you have to follow through.
Later, OP provided an update:
Just a quick update on the situation of my aunt and cousin. I completely understand the concerns about whether other family members, like my aunt or cousin, could take the kids in instead. I want to be very clear that I didn’t just say no and leave things at that.
Over the past weeks, I’ve had several deep conversations with both my aunt and cousin to explore every possible avenue. Unfortunately, my aunt is currently managing some chronic health issues that significantly limit her ability to care for three young children with very intense needs.
She’s expressed that taking on such responsibility would not only be detrimental to her own health but would also compromise the quality of care the kids deserve. As for my cousin, she’s navigating a particularly complex and emotionally draining divorce while raising two toddlers on her own.
Her household is already stretched to its limits, and adding three more kids, including one still in diapers and with emotional trauma, would be beyond what she can reasonably handle without risking harm to all the children involved.
I want to emphasize that these conversations were not easy. Everyone involved recognizes how heartbreaking the situation is. I have spent sleepless nights weighing these options because I love my brother’s children and want the best for them.
My decision was made only after exhausting all reasonable alternatives and considering the potential impact on every child’s wellbeing — including my own. This wasn’t a refusal born from selfishness but from a painful understanding of my own limits and the reality of what the kids need.