'AITA for refusing to take my ex back, but accepting my fiancé’s kids?' 'He INSISTS it's the same.' AITA? 2 MINI UPDATES

"AITA for refusing to take my ex back but accepting my fiancé’s kids?"

My ex-husband—let’s call him Frank—and I got married deeply in love. After a while, I found out I couldn’t have children. Frank wanted kids, and he told me he didn’t want to leave me, but also wanted to have a child with someone else. I couldn’t accept that.

Later, I found out he had gotten a woman from his workplace pregnant. He told me he didn’t want to divorce me and still wanted to be with me, but I couldn’t stay. Despite his resistance, I divorced him, and he married the mother of his child. This was two years ago.

Now, I’m with someone new—let’s call him Mark. Mark is kind, understanding, and has been a great support system for me after everything with Frank. I love him deeply. He has two sons from his previous marriage (ages 3 and 5). They stay with him every other weekend and see him regularly during the week. He’s a great dad, and I admire that about him.

Mark and I recently decided to get married, and I’m really happy about it. But ever since Frank found out, he has been trying to contact me. Today, he showed up outside my work.

He accused me of being a hypocrite—accepting Mark’s kids, but refusing to accept his. He said that all he ever wanted was to build a life with me and grow old together and that I was being unfair for not accepting him under the same circumstances.

Logically, I see why he thinks it’s the same situation, but it doesn’t feel the same. The thought of Frank and his child still hurts me, yet I don’t feel the same way about Mark and his kids. Frank insists it’s the same, but is it? So AITA?

UPDATE:

Wow, I didn’t expect to receive this much support. Thank you all so much! I wanted to address a few things that came up in the comments. Surgery was not an option for me. We consulted multiple doctors, and in the end, we had to accept that I wouldn’t be able to have children.

That time was especially difficult for me, and Frank was my biggest source of support. Adoption was also off the table because Frank didn’t want it—he wanted biological children. He told me, "I don’t want to raise someone else’s child."

I was the one who first suggested divorce back then, but he swore he would never leave me. He even said, "It will always be just the two of us until the end." And I believed him.

Frank and I met in high school and were together for ten years. I think that’s why he knows exactly how to get to me. After our conversation today, I started doubting myself. I even felt like I was the one at fault. Thank you all for helping me see things from my perspective again. I feel much more certain now.

SECOND UPDATE:

I wanted to clarify a few things that kept coming up in the comments. When we divorced, I blocked Frank everywhere. However, he still hears about my life because my cousin is married to his best friend.

I no longer speak to my cousin because, after the divorce, she defended Frank and insisted that he loved me. Unfortunately, some things just don’t stay private within families. As for Frank’s marriage, I know for a fact that he only got married due to pressure from his mother.

She had already told him to divorce me and remarry as soon as she found out I couldn’t have children. We never got along—she was one of those mothers who are possessive of their sons.

Regarding surrogacy, that was never an option for us. The one thing Frank and I fully agreed on was that a child should have the right to know their biological parents. We both believed it would be unethical to take that away from them before they were even born. (The irony of Frank suddenly caring about ethics when he cheated is not lost on me.)

Now, about how Frank managed to mess with my head—he told me that Mark never had to make the kind of choice he did. That Mark was never put in a position where he had to pick between being with me and having biological children. He claimed that if Mark had been in his place, he would have made the same decision he did.

And honestly, for a moment, that made me stop and think. That’s how the manipulation started. He made me question myself, and in the end, I felt guilty. I’m so glad I wrote all of this here because it’s helped me see things clearly. Thank you all again for your support.

Also, I talked to Mark about everything, and he got very angry. He’s mad that I spoke to Frank, and I think he’s right to be. I’ve decided to apply for a position at Mark's company. It just feels like a healthier option moving forward.

Some people suggested I should tell Frank’s wife about all this, but I have no interest in doing so. If they get divorced, he’ll just become even more of a problem for me. It’s better for everyone if he stays married.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

DescriptionBulky6258 said:

NTA. This is definitely not the same situation. Your ex cheated on you, you don't owe him or his child anything. Your fiance, on the other hand, had his child well before your relationship. Your ex is a cheap liar and your fiance is not in this situation.

Mother_Search3350 said:

He cheated on you, got another woman pregnant while he was married to you and he is playing victim? Tell him to stay TF away from you or you will be filing harassment charges. Definitely NTA.

RavenclawEC said:

NTA...accepting to stay with some who cheated on you and had a child it is not the same as starting a relationship and deciding to have a family with someone who has a child from a previous relationship...

SatelliteBeach123 said:

NTA. It's NOT the same. Mark had his children with their mother while married to her. Your husband cheated on you and got his affair partner pregnant. The difference is staggering. I'm really surprised that you said "Logically, I see why he thinks it's the same situation..." No, logically, it most certainly is not.

Srvntgrrl_789 said:

NTA. Frank CHEATED on you. End of story. Enjoy your new life with your new family. And congrats.

Erased_like_Lilith said:

NTA...Frank wanted permission to cheat on you to have a biological child and for you to not have any feelings on the matter. Your new beau has children from a previous marriage. It's totally different. If he asked to sleep with his first wife to have more children, then it would be similar.

Poinsettia917 said:

I feel sorry for Frank’s wife. I wonder if she knows that her husband is still in love with his ex wife. NTA and glad you moved on. Tell Frank to stay away from now on. He has a wife and the child he always wanted.