'AITA for refusing to tell my dad that I am buying a house until after I have moved in?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for refusing to tell my dad that I am buying a house until after I have moved in?"

To start this off I (now 31F) moved out of my dad's home when I was 14. He had anger issues and me moving out and refusing to come back was his rock bottom and he got the help he needed. I was lucky and a family member took me in and I slowly let him back in my life. Back 12 years or so I was fresh out of high school but had an awesome paying job and inheritance from my grandparents.

I decided I wanted to buy a house near the local college so that I could get a degree and get an even better job. The house I found was 4 beds 3 baths and listed for under $100K and had just been updated. It was after the 2008 bubble burst so the deal was really good. I went through the pre-approval process and put in an offer.

Before I heard back I showed my dad the house. I already lived alone having moved out of the family members house but wanted to share my happiness and thought he would be happy for me. I was horribly wrong. He berated me for over an hour the highlights being: I was dumb to think I could handle owning a house at 19.

I didn't know how to own a house because I was too young.

I didn't need such a big place because it was only me.

Roommates would destroy the place.

Maintenance would just cost too much. I would eventually end up with a foreclosure on my record. So even though my offer was accepted I walked away and regretted it deeply for years. I used to periodically check and see how much the house was worth but stopped in 2016 because I decided I was obsessing and it was unhealthy but the house was worth over $400K.

I thought I had let go of the negative feelings but it seems house hunting has brought them back up. I can't help thinking how much easier buying our new home would be if I had that house to sell for a down payment. My husband knows the story and supports me not telling my dad and even agrees.

Then I was talking to one of my aunts and told her about the house we now have under contract. I also asked her not to tell my dad. When she asked why I explained and she told me "Well if your father didn't burn all his bridges and would act like the adult he thinks he, is he wouldn\t be left out of this kind of thing."

Turns out they are not talking right now because he demanded money from her. She offered to pay him to do some basic chores since he doesn't have a job right now but he claimed he was too busy and just wanted money.

I have also heard his side of this since he called me to complain about her. He however left out the part where she offered to pay him to help her. While I agree he's acting like an entitled AH I'm wondering if my aunt is agreeing with me because she's mad at him for the way he treated her.

She definitely has every right to be mad especially considering he sent some really nasty texts. But I also know the fall out from him not finding out about the house until after we have moved in will be unpleasant, to say the least. So I am now questioning if I might be acting like TA.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

mikey_weasel wrote:

NTA. Yeah sounds like your dad will be an AH whether you tell him or not. Your discussion with your aunt really should make this clear to you. If you tell him beforehand you run the risk of him attempting to ruin it as well. If you and your husband have done your due diligence then ignore him and move in first.

Also why are you telling family members? The more people who know your dad know this "secret" the more likely for it to work its way to him. (and yes your aunt might not tell him directly, but this is the type of info that someone who you had NOT told to keep it secret might assume your dad already knew.

So your aunt tells mystery person A this info. Mystery person A asks your dad about it because of that. Your dad finds out)

OP responded:

I was stressed when I talked to her and let slip why. That was a mess-up on my part. Though I don't think she will tell anyone since I told her I was trying to keep it a secret until after the appraisal comes back.

At that point it will be a done deal even if we aren't living there yet. She has in the past been good at keeping secrets until i want others to know. When I was pregnant she knew I was having a girl months before anyone else and didn't say a word of it to anyone not even her friends.

fotli3146 wrote:

NTA, you don't owe him any explanation or apology of any kind. And if he gets mad that'll be because he really wants to get mad, not because the situation justifies it. Also, has he ever apologized for the worst real estate advice ever? I can't wrap my head about his comment of you "not knowing how to own a house". It's like a brand new sentence I didn't even know it was possible.

OP responded:

He hasn't. I just dont bring up stuff like this because he will throw a tantrum over it. He acts like a child a lot of the time and I find it easier to just avoid setting him off and keeping things between us shallow. I'm not sure how else to describe how I deal with him.

[deleted] wrote:

NTA, sounds like your dad never got out of rock bottom in the first place.

Just curious, if your so fearful that, at 31 years old, your father would berate you for buying a house, why are you still in contact with him?

OP responded:

I try to keep things to shallow conversation with him and live nearly a day's drive away so don't have to see him very often. I think maybe I'm just not ready to cut him out completely. There is a small part of me that just wants my dad to love and respect me but am coming to terms with the fact that he probably never will.

The next day, OP shared an update.

So we closed on the house late last week and moved in over the weekend. I did not tell him what we were doing until after closing papers were signed and we had keys in hand. Telling my dad went better than I thought it would but I also didn't word it in a way that would come off as me asking his opinion.

I called all my other family first before calling him. I was planning to just text him but instead, I called and told him I was sending a text. The text I sent was a link to the house listing (yes this means he knows our address but that at this moment was unavoidable). He asked me when we would be closing and mentioned that he didn't like the location.

Before he could say more I told him we had just finished signing all the papers and were taking our first carload of boxes over. That shut down the conversation and while he said he was happy for us I could tell he was unhappy I either didn't tell him sooner or didn't get his thoughts on the house first. He hung up pretty quickly after that. I'm happy with how I went about it even if my dad isn't.

I know he was going to pick my home apart if I let him especially since he had already said he didn't like the area. He's been mostly silent on the house news but will text or call about anything else. My husband thinks the way he's been shut down is hilarious. He did the same with his mom who thinks her grown children should always ask her permission to do anything in life as well.

Everyone in our home is happy and those who aren't don't get a say in it anyway because they don't live there. We have also made strategic use of all the rooms so we don't have a guest room of any kind. I also now have a yarn closet instead of yarn boxes shoved in a corner.

Adding: Thank you to everyone who has responded. I am trying to get back to everyone but I'm also at work and while it's a slow day I do still have things I need to finish. If you don't get a response from me please know it's not because I didn't read it or appreciate what you wrote.

The comments kept coming.

coronacutie wrote:

I bought my first house at 19/20. I was financially able to do it and it was a huge investment in my future. I couldn’t imagine my parents trying to talk me out of it.

They knew it would only help me, especially with the price I bought it and the interest rate I was able to obtain. It’s been 6 years, I have $50k equity now just from rising house markets. I’m sorry your AH dad talked you out of a wonderful investment. I don’t think you’re the AH at all for not telling him.

OP responded:

After posting this I've come to realize just how terrible a person my dad is. I'm working on steps to go very low contact with him and figure if I play it right I can eventually cut him out without losing the rest of my family.

calminthedesert wrote:

NTA- The cherry on the top of this great update is that you've made it so you don't have a guest room. As a fellow yarnie, I salute you being able to spread out your lovely yarns.

OP responded:

The lack of guest room is a precaution against both our families wanting to visit and stay with us. I plan on telling them the same thing I told them all when we lived in an apartment, "we have an air mattress you can use on the living room floor but the cat and dog will try to cuddle."

remarkable_sea_1062 wrote:

Congratulations! I think you made a great decision to shut him out this time after he talked you out of buying a house when you were 19. Based on your previous post, he doesn’t make sound financial decisions and is not someone you should ask for advice.

OP responded:

Now at 31, I can see just how bad with money he is. It's sad really but he's put himself in this mess he calls his life.

Nine months later, OP shared another update.

In June he made noises about visiting us on the way through the area to visit his FIL in early July. He and his wife were going to help them with some farm-related stuff. I told him we had a camping d it has been painful at times but you're not here to read about that.

In May he made noises about visiting us on the way through the area to visit his FIL in early July and said their visit would be my birthday present this year. He and his wife were going to help FIL with some farm-related stuff. I told him we had a camping trip sometime in July I just didn't know when yet.

He was annoyed but said okay. In the first week of June, we picked our camping date for late July so it didn't interfere. I texted him the dates and received a thumbs up in response. The month lead-up to when they were supposed to visit was quiet. My birthday was mid-week this year so I was expecting to hear they would stop by either the weekend before or after.

I heard nothing by the Friday before so we made other plans. On my birthday I finally received a text at 9pm that said "happy birthday I've been busy helping with the harvest all day and just remembered to text you." I was annoyed but sent a thanks back. I made excuses like "he probably didn't have time to stop he'll definitely see us on the way back through."

Guys, I was wrong. He passed us by both ways, not even a phone call. I'm not too proud to admit that hurt. I am so glad I didn't tell my kiddo about his "visit". I was worried he would flake IDK why but something told me he wouldn't show and I knew it would break kiddo's heart if he did that. I cut all contact in August.

I called him out on everything he ever did, every instant of ab#$e, and told him I was done until he went to therapy and could apologize to me and actually be an adult. He lost it he called me every name he could think of and said he did it because I never told him we would be in town.

When I sent him the screenshot of when I texted him the dates he changed the story to they didn't have time and I was selfish to think they owed me a visit since we never visit them. I thought he was referring to the nightmare that has been 2020 and 2021.

Nope apparently our visiting my hometown and scheduling a day for each family household means we never come to visit him because we don't spend the entire week catering to his desires.

He hated us visiting my aunt and uncle one day, him the next, my other aunt the next, my half sis and her dad, my mom, a day for friends, and him again on the last day before we head out. But we never came to see just him and no one else so it didn't count.

Since then he's sent me one letter. I didn't open it I just sent it back. He has tried to send kiddo packages without a return address so I can't send them back. Those items have been donated. I did have to explain to kiddo in an age-appropriate way (thank you therapist for helping figure out how to do that) why we can't see grandpa right now.

Kiddo was sad but told me it's ok because "when you hurt someone you need to say sorry and show the person you hurt you won't do it again." I wanted to cry, I'm so proud of my child for understanding this concept. All things considered, I am a happier person than I was when I had him in my life. I hadn't realized just how much of my energy I spent on him.

I don't have to plan trips home around what he wants. I don't have to cover for him with Kiddo. I don't have to question if something is going to "hurt his feelings" or "make him look bad" or any other number of things. A weight has been lifted. Thanks for reading my ramblings Waffelgang. I hope everyone is enjoying the holiday season!

The comments kept coming in.

Irish_Brigid wrote:

Why were you still talking to this guy after the last two posts? He sounds absolutely vile. Kiddo understands something the sperm-donor doesn't. Something most kids start figuring out when they're three.

OP responded:

Emotional ab#$e is a hell of a drug. It took 5 months of weekly therapy for me to unravel that knot. I've learned in that time just how badly messed up my childhood was and it turns out it is not normal to not have linear memories until high school. I have disassociated nearly half my life into oblivion because of him.

Irish_Brigid responded

I bet. Wow. Hope he's completely out of your life for good, now. You don't need him continuing with your kid.

Childfreeintrovert wrote:

Good for you.