Mother of two struggles to struggles to accept sister's 'close bond' with ex-husband after painful divorce. AITA?
"AITA for refusing to accept that my sister and my ex husband are 'best friends?'"
Optimal_Bullfrog4635
Me(38f) and my now ex husband (36m) moved across the country to be closer to my sister. When we arrived we moved in with her and her family. It was supposed to be temporary but we ended up staying there for almost 3 years.
About 2 years in, I was pregnant with my second child when my husband told me he no longer wanted to be married to me. We continued to live together at my sisters house until we could figure things out. I had no job at the time.
During this time I noticed my sister and my ex husband liked to talk and got along really well. Things were uncomfortable for me to say the least. Once I was able to get a stable job my ex moved out and then I moved to my own place.
My sister and ex husband continued their friendship despite the fact that I told both of them that I felt it was inappropriate. For years I tried to accept it was just a friendship and my sister assured me she was doing nothing wrong.
Eventually I could not take it anymore. Everytime I saw them together I felt sick to my stomach. I told my sister that her friendship with my ex was hurting me and that if it didn't change I would have to distance myself from them. She told me to "do what you gotta do" as long as she got to see my kids. So I kept my distance for several years but did not cut her out of my life completely.
Eventually, we got to a point where my sister, my ex, my self and the rest of my family did holidays and family things all together. I thought I had to put my feelings aside so my kids could grow up with their family together. It is now 10 years since this all started.
My sister posts in our family group chat pictures of her and my ex and my kids walking her dog or my kids playing in the snow while my ex shovels her driveway. My kids tell me that they go over there pretty much every day and they go out to dinner and to the movies ect.
A few days ago, she posted some pics and I just had enough so I left the family group chat. I told my mom why so she would not worry. My sister was questioning why I had left so my mom told me I needed to talk to her.
So I sent her a text and I said I did not want to fight about it and I just needed space. She responded asking me what I suggest she do, just stop letting them go over to her house or what would make me happy.
Now all of our sisters and mom are involved and my sister thinks everyone is attacking her and taking my side without considering HER feelings. She says that I am just jealous and I need to get over it already.
I am questioning if I'm overreacting and if it is just a friendship do I need to just get over it and accept their friendship. AITA for causing a rift in the family? Should I just let it go?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Discount_Mithral
NTA. So, your husband left you for your sister, your sister adopted your family role and is getting all the perks of having a contributing partner, kids, and a happy home life that she took from you, but wants people to feel bad for her because she... what? Told you to take a hike now that you gave her your kids and husband?
Nah. Sounds like it's time to get a parenting plan in place and stop letting your sister play house with your kids. I promise that no matter what either your sister or ex says, they are knocking boots.
Ladydanielle2023
Every single word of this!!! Also - consider why Mom and other sisters would be collectively mad at her (op’s sister playing house w/ex), if she wasn’t doing exactly that and they all see it! NTA! And seriously get a parenting plan on the court record where they can’t be over at her house daily.)
No_Hedgehog_5406
OP said they moved in with sister and her family. What happened to the family?
Optimal_Bullfrog4635 (OP)
She divorced her husband several years ago,( yes after my divorce) and her 2 kids are grown and off to college.
CommunityDefiant4292
INFO: Why and how did you split ?
Cheating Money Abuse Lack of love…
Optimal_Bullfrog4635 (OP)
He left me, there was infidelity that I found out about after the split i dont think that was the reason. He just did not love me anymore.
MaximusIsKing
NTA.
Nothing about this dynamic with your sister and ex makes sense. It doesn’t pass the sniff test and your gut is probably right.
Let’s be real- if they were friends your sister wouldn’t be spending every waking moment with your ex and kids. It’s just weird. In no family dynamic is this normal. Your sister is playing aunty-step mommy to your kids it’s confusing af.
OsaBear92
Sounds to me the only reason your sister is upset is she wants you to 'not care anymore' so she can officially introduce Ex as her new buex. And if your already "ok with their dynamic now, why would Op be fine with it later?" NTA.
Your gona have to put your foot down. Its been a long 10 yrs, this isnt something I can get used to. I am going to stop coming to gatherings where Ex is. The kids can go see him of course, but family gatherings here? Need to stop.
Sounds like the rest of your family would understand, especially since your kids I assume are getting to an age they can start to understand a bit why youd want more space between you and Ex. And if your sister starts to flip her lid or talk you out of that decision then we hit the nail on the head.
She has spent years trying to normalize his presence so she can find the ideal time 'surprise' peeps with their engagement or plans to move in together, something.