'AITA for refusing to act like my in-laws’ full-time maid even though I have a job and a 2-year-old?'
"AITA for refusing to act like my in-laws’ full-time maid even though I have a job and a 2-year-old?"
I live with my husband’s parents and it's very common in Indian marriages and they expect me to follow a daily list of DIL duties. One of it is touching their feet every morning although it's common in India to touch elders feet and taking blessings from them.
It isn't it weird to do that every other day and I already do it and it's not even the issue. But they treat it like some attendance ritual I must perform on time and will get looks from them if I didn't do that.
I am a software engineer and I have chosen work from home to take care of my toddler but what I am doing everyday is household chores rather than parenting my kid.
We do have a housekeeper, but only for basic things like sweeping, mopping, and washing clothes. Cooking, dishes, groceries, managing the kitchen, and taking care of the baby? All of that is dumped completely on me, as if having partial help means I’m automatically responsible for everything else.
And I have to take care of my job and my toddler and do the household chores and I feel like I am working double shift although my FIL helps me sometimes in household chores sometimes it still overburdens me.
if i tell them that I am not feeling well today and I want to take rest they will see it as if I am doing some crime and once they called my parents and ranting about my problems...who does this? As if I am in some boarding school and complaining to my parents.
And I won't get rest even on weekends I need to do something or the other for them and I get very less time for my toddler who needs the most at this age and I finally confronted them today and everything went silent after that.
My in-laws didn't talk to me after that and my husband out of station currently. My husband supports me privately, but the moment his parents start sulking, he goes quiet because he “doesn’t want more drama.”
Even in India, this level of entitlement is not normal. Most families share chores or at least understand when someone is overworked. AITA for finally asking for help and refusing to be everyone’s unpaid maid?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Indian woman here:
You have a husband problem. He needs to grow a spine. The in-laws will keep pushing you down if you let them.
Let dinner be late, let the in-laws wait for their tea! Or tell them you can leave your job to be a full time cook, nanny and servant. I am sure they want the financial contribution you bring too.
Let them moan and complain. Your parents are not your bosses either. You are a grown woman and not a child bride to be tethered to a cooker and kiss the feet of undeserving people. They have done nothing to earn your respect and neither it seems has your husband.
Guilty-Pleasure_69 (OP)
Yeah that's true they need the financial contribution from me and I guess they feel like having an extra maid for other chores is a waste of money and yeah I will discuss about the situation once he is back.
You’re financially independent. Try a tougher method. This is not going to change easily and going to suck your mental and physical health into an irreversible spiral. It’s going to kill your love for your husband. Breed resentment and contempt in your heart. It’s going to pass on generational trauma to your child.
Sit down and think through how you want your life and your day. Draw up a routine which includes your husband contributing too and might involve adding more paid help. Tell your husband this needs to be followed else you will walk out. Use a marriage counsellor to mediate if needed.
Advocate for yourself because he will not. No one else will. Do it for your child. He deserves a happier mother and not this martyr who will extract her pound of flesh from him unknowingly. Hugs and all the best.
Guilty-Pleasure_69 (OP)
Yeah that's true...on one hand after seeing my mom do all the chores i thought I have to do it too in my in-laws house but the situation is different now and also the generational change. And thanks for taking your time out and helping me..I can understand what u have gone through.
NTA. The problem here is your husband. Your in-laws treat you this way because your husband allows them to. I, too, come from a culture that elevates in-laws to god-like status so I understand what you are going through. Your husband needs to grow a pair.
Guilty-Pleasure_69 (OP)
We discussed it before marriage to stay with in laws but I never imagined they would be this toxic.
NTA, but honey…it doesn’t sound like any of this is going to change unless you move out or hire more help. I know it’s not the usual choice in Indian families, but your in-laws are overly demanding and your husband won’t back you up, so it’s either keep fighting this same fight over and over or make a real change.
Maybe that change is hiring a housekeeper who does more; maybe someone who takes on everything in the kitchen (cooking, food shopping, dishes, cleaning the kitchen, etc, maybe even meal planning if you want), in addition to light cleaning.
Maybe that change is moving out. You should demand what you need and make it happen, because you know you deserve better than wearing yourself to a thread and nobody else in your family is going to choose what is good for you (or for your child, from the sound of things).
Times are changing for everyone and your son is your priority. You need to set your boundaries no matter how cranky they get. I'd personally move, but don't know if you're "allowed" to.