'AITA for not letting my mom come on vacation with me after she initially cancelled?'

"AITA for not adding my mom back to a vacation she dropped out of?"

I had booked a short holiday package followed by a cruise over a year in advance. Because I'd be paying the same price for the cruise for one or two people, I asked my mum if she wanted to come for free - so she would fly out a few days after me, to stay with me for a night or two, then join for the cruise.

She wasn't 100% certain because she was anxious about flying transatlantic on her own. I talked her through the transfers etc and made it as simple for her as possible.

I said I would need a final answer about 4 months before the cruise, as that was the final payment date and any further changes (i.e. taking her off the booking) would charge a fee after that point, but obviously I had to provide accurate information about who was coming on board.

The final payment date came and went - she still wasn't certain because we hadn't yet booked flights due to prices being high (we were waiting for a sale). I booked my flights about 2 months before the trip, and she seemed hesitant but booked hers.

The next day I called the hotel to ask if they could add her name on the booking (it's a very well known resort and this should have been fine) but the call handler said no, she would have to buy the package. I rang my mum and said that was incorrect advice so I'm going to ask the Facebook community for some advice but worst case scenario, she'd have to get a hotel elsewhere for 1-2 nights.

She panicked and cancelled her flights as it was within 24 hours. She said she wouldn't risk going and wasn't prepared to look at other hotels. I said if she cancels her flights I'll take that that she's not coming, because I need to update the booking asap as the fee could go up the closer to the trip.

She accepted that and cancelled anyway, so I removed her from the booking and had to pay a small fine. She didn't offer to help or pay the fine. I really struggle with plans changing - I also live for my holidays, so this was stressful for me.

It took a lot to get my head around going on my own, but I finally got excited to go solo. My mum never takes accountability, never apologises, never gives emotional support, and always plays the victim.

A month before the trip, she says she actually wants to go and is going to ring the resort and cruise to try to sort it out. She told me this, not asked. I said I'm not doing anything to help with it. Of course then she rings me saying they can't do anything as she's not the booking owner, and can I ring them.

I said no, she didn't give me an answer when I asked, she hasn't apologised for messing me around, and she didn't help when I had to remove her from the booking, so she just has to accept she missed the deadline.

She's upset with me, and I'm mad that I now feel like my holiday is ruined because either I add her back to the booking when I now don't really want her to go because of how she's acted, or I don't, and have to deal with the emotional guilt-tripping. My stance is to not add her... but does that make me TA?

This is what people had to say to OP:

Trick_Few said:

NTA Your Mother is too indecisive to take this trip.

CreativeMusic5121 said:

"Sorry, mom, too late. I told you it had to be booked by XX date, and you canceled".
NTA, and she can spend the holiday with her regret. Don't let her guilt-trip you. Just keep repeating the quote I've given you.

CandylandCanada said:

NTA, but the only person with the power to taint your holiday is you. You have choices other than taking her along yet being upset, or letting her steep in her rash decision-making while anticipating the emotional repercussions. You could pick Door Number 3.

Don't make arrangements for her to join you, and don't accept blowback from her. You DON'T "have to deal with the emotional guilt-tripping". You are an adult who gave another adult every opportunity to participate in this holiday. She made poor choices; that's not your problem.

Use your words. When mum fires up the guilt generator, shut it down. "Mum, I'm not prepared to engage in this futile discussion with you. I extended a generous offer, with specific dates by which I needed firm answers.

You elected not to avail yourself of this for your own reasons. Your dithering *cost* me money, which you did not offer to repay. Perhaps next time you'll sort out your wants in time so that I'm not inconvenienced. I have nothing more to say in this matter, so please don't raise it again."

biolochick said:

NTA at all, but may I ask if you’ve travelled with her before? She sounds like she would be a nightmare clingy indecisive travel mate. Also, solo travel is the best, you can do anything and eat any time and anywhere. Have an awesome time!!

And OP responded:

Yes I have, and basically she won't do anything to help. I'm an organiser, I like to have every detail planned... she won't look anything up or help in any way, to the extent that if we need to google something (e.g. when our trains were cancelled) she claims she can't because she'd have to get her glasses out and refuses to wear them on a chain because it's unfashionable.

We have a good time when it's all easy, straight forward, and surface level. So we would most likely have had a good time as long as we didn't talk about anything serious. I've travelled solo before so know I'll enjoy it, and to be honest, I think that's the only way I'll do it going forward! Thank you!