'AITA for refusing to adopt my 12-year-old stepdaughter after she asked me to?'

"AITA for refusing to adopt my stepdaughter?"

I'm 30f and my husband is 34m and my stepdaughter is 12. My stepdaughter mom died when she was 2 and I came into her life when she was 8. We have a close relationship i feel its a normal step parent relationship she doesn't call me mom and thats okay I want her to whatever she's comfortable with.

These past few weeks shes been asking if I would adopt her, apparently she had talked with my husband and he told her that it would be a good idea to ask me.

I told her to let me think about it, I asked my husband why he thought it was a good idea if I adopt her, basically he said that it will make her feel like shes family and it won't make her feel different from our kid. I told him that the kids not even here yet so if thats the case then let her therapist talk to her about before the kid gets here.

He asked why I didn't want to adopt her, I told him that me and her aren't on that level yet and she doesn't call me mom and has never really treated me like a real mom more of like a bonus adult if she needs one and I said thats fine but if I adopt her that means im her mom and if she doesn't see me as a mom then why adopt her.

I told her that i wouldn't adopt her and she was sad and started crying and asked why I told her that she doesn't really see me as a mom and that if we got closer in the future then I will but I think she need to understand what shes asking first.

She went and told her grandmother on her moms side and they said that it was disrespectful of my husband to even say it was a good idea, while his family think I should just do it to make the girl feel apart of the family. I really dont know but if you have advice please give it and AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

Tall-Charge-4150 said:

Agree with grandmother. Should have been discussed with all adults before she was told to go and ask you….

gagagagaNope said:

"I think she's asking because she doesn't wanna feel left out." Wanting to be on equal standing in your family is an incredibly valid reason. She's 12, she looks up to you. Think very carefully about what happens next.

YourLittleRuth said:

I think it would have been a good idea to talk it through, as gently as possible, before making your decision.

KurosakiOnepiece said:

Why do y’all marry people with kids, after telling her no do you really think you will get closer to her? If anything you probably just nuked it

cuphalfemptie said:

Yea….the arrival of a new baby is gonna make things 10x worse after that. Neither you or your husband handled this well and you seem weirdly bitter she won’t call you mom. YTA for how you went about this.

And voided_user said:

Yta. Now, your relationship with her will deteriorate because you just told her you don't see her as your daughter. Which is the truth because if you did, see her as your daughter, you would have no hesitation to adopt her. You should have been honored to be her legal mother despite her not calling you mom.

And Malice_A4thot said:

Oh boy. This one is going to stay with me. This poor, poor motherless girl. My God. You have a heart of stone. YTA is putting it mildly.

In response to comments, OP added these edits:

Edit: I don't know if I put this in my post but the main reason I won't adopt her is because I dont feel shes asking me to adopt her for the right reason, I think shes asking because she doesn't wanna feel left out not because she wants me to be her mom.

Also she has other mother figures some people don't count grandmother and aunt as one but I do as they have done a lot of motherly things with her, and have done things a mother would do. Also I never said adoption was off the table it just mainly is for now until she gets older and understands it more and want me to because she sees me as a mom.

Edit2: since a lot of people didn't understand what I mean when I say she doesn't treat me like a mom. It's like if she was old enough to go wedding dress shopping she wouldn't pick me for that she would go to her aunt and grandma and nothing is wrong with that as im not her mom so she doesn't have to go with me.

But I know if I had my own daughter that's a mother daughter experience I want. So stuff like that for things you go to a mom for she goes to them and nothing wrong with it but if she was my daughter i would expect her to go to me. Also people asked do I see her as my daughter and the answer is kinda, I do but I also see her as a step daughter.

I also saw that feeling left out is a reason to get adopted, but in my opinion its not for example last year she was upset that we went by my mom for Christmas and she went by her mom's parents and she felt left out, so we said every other Christmas she could come with us and she was happy.

If I adopted her that wouldn't have fixed the issue at all if would've just put a band aid on it and she still would've felt left out. So if she feels like she doesn't belong I'd rather figure out why she feels that way rather than adopt her and she still feels that way.

Also her calling me mom I assume if I adopt her she would call me mom as I would be her mother but if she didn't it would be okay. And last thing I didn't tell her I wouldn't adopt her i said not right now and maybe later when shes like 15-20 and older and we may have a closer relationship, and we have already planned to do a family therapy session again and she's in therapy. Also shes 12.

.......