'AITA for refusing to apologize to my in-laws for something I didn’t do?'
"AITA for refusing to apologize to my in-laws for something I didn’t do?"
I (32F) have been married to my husband, Mark (34M), for five years. Overall, our marriage is solid, but my relationship with his parents has always been… tense. They’re polite on the surface, but there’s always been an undercurrent of judgment, especially toward me. I’ve learned to pick my battles and usually keep the peace for Mark’s sake.
This situation started at a family dinner about a month ago. Mark’s parents hosted, and several other relatives were there. During dinner, a sensitive topic came up—finances.
Specifically, Mark’s sister mentioned that their parents had loaned us money early in our marriage (which is true). Then, out of nowhere, my mother-in-law said something like, “Well, we never even got a proper thank-you for that.”
I was shocked. I very clearly remembered both Mark and I thanking them multiple times—verbally and with a handwritten card. I calmly said, “I’m pretty sure we did thank you, and we really appreciated the help.”
That’s when things took a turn.
My father-in-law accused me of being dismissive. My mother-in-law said I was “rewriting history” and implied I was ungrateful. The table went silent. I felt embarrassed and blindsided, but I didn’t raise my voice or insult anyone.
I just said, “I’m not trying to argue. I’m just saying I don’t agree with that.”
After dinner, Mark told me his parents were “very hurt” and felt disrespected. A few days later, he asked me to apologize—to smooth things over.
Here’s where the problem is: they want me to apologize for being ungrateful and disrespectful. But I don’t believe I was either of those things. Apologizing would mean admitting I did something wrong that I honestly don’t think I did.
I told Mark I’d be willing to say I’m sorry they felt hurt, but I wouldn’t apologize for something that wasn’t true.
That wasn’t good enough.
His parents now say I’m “too prideful” and that my refusal to apologize proves their point about my character. Some extended family members have weighed in, saying it’s “just an apology” and I should do it for family harmony.
From my perspective, this feels less like keeping the peace and more like being pressured into taking the blame so everyone else can be comfortable. I’m tired of being the default peacemaker at my own expense. So, AITA for refusing to apologize to my in-laws for something I didn’t do?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. You have a husband problem, not on in law problem.
NTA. Does your husband dispute your side? Is he saying you lied? If not, he should be backing you up, not putting mommy and daddy first. Enough with the "keeping the peace." That only means your feeling mean nothing and their feelings mean everything.
While you have an in-law problem, you also have a serious husband problem. He knows he thanked his parents, he knows you thanked his parents yet HE wants to rewrite history by pretending HE and you never thanked them. HE didn't speak up at dinner to correct his mother, HE didn't tell his father that you said nothing that needs to be apologized for. HE is a serious Mama's boy. HE didn't stand up for you.
Them wanting you to apologize has absolutely nothing to do with what you said, it is all about putting you in your place. His parents want to emphasize that you are to never disagree with them or correct them even when they are obviously wrong. This is strictly a power play and your husband is going along because?
There is no "keeping the peace". His parents will never stop trying to put you down and will continue to tell friends and relatives that you are a rude, disrespectful person that needs to be put in her place. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? Being told by you husband and his parents to apologize because they lied?
Time to work on you self respect and self esteem and possibly leave your mama's boy hubby because he is ok with his parents treating you like a puppy that just piddled on the floor.
I would tell your husband, "you know we thanked them multiple times verbally and wrote a thank you card. I’ll apologize to them if they admit to being thanked.”
Mark's parents are actually saying that "your refusal to apologize proves their point about your character," OP? And Mark, knowing that this is not true, is on their side? I would never get over Mark's betrayal. Nor would I ever spend time with them again. NTA, but you will be TA to yourself if you continue to take this abuse from Mark and his family.
This feels more like they’re trying to control the situation by making you apologize instead of having an open conversation. I get that you want peace, but you’re not wrong for not apologizing for something you didn’t do. It’s important to set boundaries in these situations, especially when it feels like you’re being manipulated.
You and your husband need to spend less time with your in-laws. I guess their ideas of “thanks” and “showing gratitude” is what most of us would call groveling. Next time they put you on the spot like that mention the multiple verbal and written messages of appreciation and apologize for not knowing they wanted more that. Also mention that you have repaid the loan if you have.
NTA. This is a keep kissing the ring for as long & hard as we say so. Doesn’t husband acknowledge you guys said thank you? Watch out for Marks sister - she’s either the guard dog for her parents (parents vented to her so she said something to call you guys out) or she’s intentionally trying to create nonsense.