'AITA for refusing to apologize to my MIL after I hosted a Christmas dinner that offended her?' UPDATED

"AITA for refusing to apologize to my MIL after I hosted a causal Christmas dinner that offended her?"

My partner (26M) and I (21F) recently bought a house and did a small, very casual Christmas dinner. I worked Christmas Day, so it was a late dinner with leftovers, paper plates, and no fuss. We invited my parents and my MIL. We had put off the meeting for a while because my MIL is extremely hard to please and openly dislikes most people.

I arrived home upset after hearing that a close friend had lost two family members in a week and had another in hospital. My mum noticed I was emotional, and I explained why. My MIL had her back to me the whole time. When I walked into the lounge, she snapped, “Um hello!” because I hadn’t greeted her fast enough.

My mum explained I’d just had bad news, which MIL clearly didn’t like and responded by huffing and crossing her arms.

From there it just went downhill:

- When my mum offered to bring out the rest of the cheese board, MIL took it as an insult to her cobloaf she’d made (which was nearly finished anyway) and acted offended.

- One of our dogs doesn’t like her and growls when she gets too close (the dog regularly stays with my parents and loves them). MIL took it personally, scolded the dog multiple times, and made comments about the dog “hating” her.

- My dad put prawns on his own plate, and she visibly recoiled, pulled a face, and said “ew” out loud. He offered to eat outside and she declined and said it’s not appropriate to eat outside when other people are here and then continued to be disgusted by the prawns.

- We started eating before my partner sat down (he told us not to wait while he grabbed sauces). MIL sat stiffly with her arms crossed, glaring until we all stopped eating and waited.

- Many neutral comments were met with negativity like when my mum asked if a song was Elvis, MIL bluntly replied, “I hate Elvis.”

- She repeatedly corrected my parents over minor things and spoke to them in a condescending, patronizing tone. Example my mum asked my dad (not her) to pass her something and MIL says to my mum “can I have (thing) PLEASE!”

- When the recycling bin was full, she criticized how I temporarily put recycling into a bag, despite it clearly being a short-term solution and I explained this to her.

- When my mum offered dessert, MIL abruptly said, “I don’t eat dessert,” then left immediately (despite definitely eating dessert at other family dinners).

- She was annoyed we had not put up any decorations and we didn’t have a Christmas tree and mentioned it several times. We are literally in the middle of moving house.

When she left, my partner walked her to her car and told her he was disappointed in her behavior and how rude she’d been to my parents. She cried and said it wasn’t her fault and that my parents are “like that.”

The next day, she rang my SIL and completely trashed my parents, calling them rude and uncivilized. SIL was shocked because she’s met my parents and liked them. Apparently MIL has done something similar with SIL’s in-laws before. My partner also spoke to his dad (they’re divorced), who was upset and said he couldn’t believe she couldn’t just be polite for a couple of hours.

I’m extremely upset and honestly don’t want to see or invite her over again unless she can apologize and act like an adult but this also not the first time she’s acted this way. AITA for not just apologizing to keep the peace?

This is what people had to say to OP:

here_he_comes_ said:

NTA, do you want to continue to enable this behaviour with an apology?

madpeachiepie said:

NTA. Do not apologize to that woman. As a matter of fact, call her up yourself and tell her she's no longer welcome in your home until she apologizes sincerely to you AND your parents. Don't speak to her, don't agree to be around her, until she does.

SusanMShwartz said:

This is a dreadful woman. I wouldn’t want her in my home. An apology is a ritual submission that would only enable her further.

Stanislav_Lamesauce said:

Apologise for what? It sounds like you and your husband showed grace under fire. NTA and MIL should be called out on her behavior before she is invited to attend again.

OP later shared this update:

A lot of people are commenting on the paper plates and leftovers. For context, my parents celebrated Christmas on Christmas Eve with my grandparents and some extended family. My mum offered to help by making extra food for our dinner on Christmas night, so she made double and put half away for the next day.

So they aren’t leftovers rather just made the day before most of it was cold salads, ham and seafood anyway. The paper plates aren’t something we’d normally use, but we’re in the middle of moving and couldn’t find our dishes. She knew this when we invited her because she wanted to see the new house and we decided we should just have dinner, which is why it was super casual.

This morning, my partner called her to talk about Christmas and ask about her birthday (tomorrow). She was extremely short with him, didn’t want to talk, and demanded an apology. He said we wouldn’t be apologizing.

We’ve both decided not to apologize, and if she can’t accept that, we don’t care. I also said she’s not welcome at our house anymore. If he wants to see her, he can go to her house, and I’m not attending any events she invites us to. Partner is pretty fed up with her and said he doesn’t want to talk to her either.