'AITA for refusing to apologize to my stepsister for stuff that happened 12 years ago?'
"AITA for refusing to apologize to my stepsister for stuff that happened 12 years ago?"
Many_Pin_9618
13/14 years ago my widowered dad met my widowed stepmom and they fell in love with each other. I was 6 when I met my stepmom and stepsister but I was 8 before they got married. My stepsister was 2 when I met her and 4 when she became my stepsister for real.
Like a lot of parents, my dad and stepmom didn't handle the beginning of the process that well and I was really upset and angry and I struggled. I told dad to break up with my stepmom and I told her I didn't want her or her daughter and she was not going to be my new mom and I wanted my mom, not her.
They tried to start family therapy with me but, after two sessions, the therapist asked to speak to them without me for several sessions and I had individual therapy. Therapy helped them see that they wouldn't be able to recreate the family they should've had if they hadn't lost my mom and my stepsister's dad.
They actually listened and accepted this. It took 2ish years for everything to get better but it did. My stepsister doesn't remember that time. She was only 4 when it stopped.
I'll be honest; I don't find her easy to be around and I don't love her. I have a half brother and half sister who I do love and they are my siblings, I would do anything for them.
But my stepsister is very cold in certain ways and also very emotional in others. She is very dismissive of the grief I feel about losing mom and has said some truly maddening things to me about my need to talk about mom or visit her grave.
She also likes to speak for me and say we both wouldn't change a thing about our family and feel everything worked out for the best. She's 17 now and I'm 21. Our half siblings are 12 and 10.
Two weekends ago, my stepsister found out through a family member of hers and stepmom's that I used to be against the marriage of my dad and her mom and that I didn't want them. This relative told her everything.
My stepsister was furious and that same day she called and demanded an apology while she screamed down the phone at me. Then last weekend I was visiting and she demanded an apology again in front of our siblings.
She said I should never have said those things, that she didn't miss her dad, so me missing my mom was no excuse and I should have been glad, like she is. She said I was weird and a b-word for not wanting her and her mom. She said I owed it to her to make it up to her and an apology was the start.
Our siblings jumped in and told her they'd feel the same way I did and my brother said she was acting crazy. I refused to apologize and she yelled at all of us. My stepmom was pi$$ed and told me I could be a good sister and make it up to her by apologizing and showing I regret it and am glad she's part of my life.
She went as far as saying refusing to apologize made me seem like a child still when I'm a grown woman now. My siblings told me my stepsister is still furious at us and has said a bunch of really ugly stuff about me losing my mom, which doesn't surprise me. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
badmamathree
NTA. You were six and living with adults who were handling the transition poorly. If you were six when you met your stepmom and you remember your mother, it sounds like there wasn’t a lot of time between your mother’s passing and your dad moving on.
Your stepsister is expecting too much from a person of any age. Expecting a different reaction from a 6-year-old child is ridiculous. Your response was age appropriate and understandable.
The real a$$h0l3 here is the family member of the stepmom who brought it up in the first place. Talk about stirring the pot. That was completely unhelpful and unnecessary.
The OP responded here:
Many_Pin_9618
It was fast. And they met at a widows and widowers group and actually went against the advice to wait at least a year. I don't know for sure that they did go against the suggestion but I'm pretty sure they were romantic with each other before the first anniversary of my mom's death.
I know they bonded over their shared loss and being single parents.
I also know they fed the Brady Bunch dream to each other.
TimeAmbassador1979
You shouldn’t have to apologize for something you said when you were 6. You had lost your mom and probably didn’t know how to grieve in a healthy way. I wouldn’t apologize.
The OP again responded:
Many_Pin_9618
It was a mixture of grief and poorly chosen words and poor handling on the part of the adults. Which both of them did admit with the help of therapy.
Spirited-Meringue829
NTA. 17 year olds are emotional children (not a criticism, just a fact) so the behavior isn't surprising. Really, it is up to you whether you wish to tell a white lie to keep the peace or ignore it entirely. Either approach is perfectly fine.
You aren't obligated to only have the opinions your family demands you to have, let alone re-litigate opinions from over a decade ago. A sign of maturity is getting over the past. Hopefully your stepsister moves on once the initial shock has worn off and she realizes how silly it is to care about this.
northerntropicaz
NTA. She might feel differently if she actually remembered her Dad. She will probably never get it, will always see it as an attack on her Mum. Hopefully one day she’ll mature and eventually she’ll get it. I’m glad your younger siblings get it.