'AITA for Refusing to Attend My Brother’s Wedding Because of His Fiancée’s Toxic Behavior?'
"AITA for Refusing to Attend My Brother’s Wedding Because of His Fiancée’s Toxic Behavior?"
dreaming_hedgehog72
I’m a 28-year-old woman, and my brother (30) is getting married soon. At first, we were supportive of his fiancée, “Sara,” but her true colors have come out since they started dating. She’s manipulative and often belittles my brother in front of us. It’s clear she doesn’t want him to have close relationships with his family, especially with me.
Last year, we had a family gathering where things escalated. During dinner, Sara made a comment about my job, saying it was a “waste of potential.” I calmly confronted her, and instead of apologizing, she doubled down, claiming I was just “too sensitive” and that I should be grateful she’s helping my brother “rise above” his “mediocre life.”
It was tense, and my brother sat there without saying anything, which hurt me even more. After that, I decided to distance myself from her and told my brother that I couldn’t be around someone who clearly disrespects him and our family.
Fast forward to now: my brother is planning his wedding and asked me to be a bridesmaid. I was shocked but flattered, yet I made it clear that I would only participate if Sara treated everyone with respect. He assured me she’d be on her best behavior, but I wasn’t convinced.
A few days later, I received a text from Sara telling me to “stop being so dramatic” and that she would appreciate it if I’d just be happy for them. I responded honestly, saying I couldn’t pretend to be happy about their relationship when I felt uncomfortable around her.
I told her I wouldn’t attend the wedding if she was involved with dictating my role in the wedding, that my brother wants me there and as a bridesmaid and I will not let her ruin that for him.
Now, my brother is furious with me. He says I’m making a huge mistake by “choosing a petty feud over family,” claiming I’m being selfish. Our parents are divided—some agree with me, while others think I should just suck it up for the sake of family harmony.
So, AITA for refusing to attend my brother’s wedding because of his fiancée’s toxic behavior? Should I just put on a brave face and deal with it for my brother, or am I justified in standing my ground? I’d love to hear your thoughts!
edit clarirty: I told her I wouldn’t attend the wedding if she was involved with dictating my role in the wedding, that my brother wants me there and as a bridesmaid and I will not let her ruin that for him.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Agreeable-Review2064
What do you mean you “wouldn’t attend the wedding if she was involved”? It would be her wedding. How could she not be involved? NTA but seriously what are you talking about?
condimentia
This was my question. How would she NOT be involved? And why did the brother ask her to be a BM instead of the bride asking?
Kasparian
Look, Sarah definitely sounds horrible, but once you tell the bride you won’t be there if she is, it’s game over. You would no longer be welcome at the wedding if it were me. So no, you should not attend because you’ve made your stance perfectly clear and your presence is only going to create tension.
You won’t be happy you’re there, and you don’t seem like you have a good poker face about things. Either way you’re going to ruin the event for your brother. If you don’t go, he’ll be upset, but I really doubt he’ll be thrilled if you’re there and also upset either.
Massive_Letterhead90
ESH. Sure, Sara sounds rude and conceited, but I'm getting similar vibes from you tbh. Who are you to be telling a bride she can't be involved when it's her wedding?
Excellent-Count4009
YTA. Don't be a bridesmaid - that would put you under her control. Go as a regular guest. If you are even invited to be a bridesmaid (unlikely), you will be HER bridesmaid. So you will have to follow HER lead. And: You are delusional about your role, and you overestimate your importance. SHE decides who the bridesmaids are, not you.
kam49ers4ever
Here’s the thing: you state that you think the fiancé is doing her best to cut your family out of your brothers life so she can control him. If you don’t go to the wedding, stop seeing him because of her, etc., you’re giving her the win.
If I were you, I would prominently attend every event, and when she starts in on her belittling ways, come up with a ready response such as, “oh, honey, you really don’t have to put other people down to feel better about yourself. I’m sure you have some great qualities of your own.”
SetReal1429
You said yes to being a BRIDEsmaid and then said you "wouldn’t attend the wedding if she was involved." I read twice but maybe i misunderstood? In what world could you be a bridesmaid in a wedding without the bride's involvement?
I'm not on her side, she sounds like a pain but since you don't like her and don't support their relationship you should have said "no thank you to being a part of the wedding, I'd rather attend as a guest" to support your brother. Or even "sorry, but I don't support the relationship and I don't want to attend". EHS.
ScaryButterscotch474
Why are you getting into this? You know exactly what Sarah is doing and yet you are playing the game. What you should have said at dinner is, “How embarrassing for you to say something like that out aloud.”
YTA because the brides works out what happens with the bridesmaids. A lot of groom’s sisters will do a reading or sing during the ceremony etc rather than be bridesmaids. You are being unreasonable there.