'AITA for refusing to attend my mom's wedding after what my brother and SIL did?' UPDATED
"AITA for Not Going to My Mother’s Wedding After Everything My Brother and His Wife Did?" ***WITH UPDATES***
The story: Three years go, I got married. My dad proudly walked me down the aisle. It was one of the happiest moments of my life. Just a month and a half later, we found out he was more ill than previously thought. His health rapidly declined, and he eventually needed a lung biopsy. He passed away a little over a week after the biopsy and it crushed me.
This is what went down before he passed: My brother, let’s call him Dolittle, and his wife, we’ll call her Priscilla—both who are medical professionals explained that our parents' home was filled with bird dander (they had over 20 birds), and Priscilla, INSISTED that my dad could not return home until the house was completely cleaned and cleared of bird allergens.
She was the one who said his exposure to the birds caused the rare fungal infection in his lungs. So I took it very seriously. **Note- Priscilla wanted to be involved and often told us all what to do.**
We spent days working to fix the house. We cleared out each room of clutter. We rented gear, bought supplies, and I eventually hired a painter to repaint the affected rooms. Dolittle and Priscilla helped up until the paint and even agreed to split the cost, but once I hired a painter, they completely bailed—refusing to pay another cent.
(I think Priscilla was angry that I hired someone, and to this day I don’t know why. Did she know how to paint rooms properly or have time to?) Let’s not get too into that. But I will say she used a paint sprayer inside the house and screwed up the electrical. The paint job was 1,200$ for a large living room, bird room, and master bedroom. So 600$ each. (Really not a bad price for 3 large rooms).
Important:
After dad’s biopsy, he went to recover at my brother’s house. Before this he was in and out of the hospital so we were able to clean the house while he wasn’t there.
While I was scrambling to make my dad’s home medically safe, Priscilla picked a fight with my mom, who was also staying at their house to be near my dad. What did my mom do to earn Priscilla’s rage? She put dishes away. Not kidding.
Apparently, it was Priscilla’s daughter’s job, and she accused my mom of disrespecting her kitchen “system.” My mom was dealing with losing her husband in the near future so obviously she wasn’t thinking clearly. My thinking: (The faster we get the house done the sooner they will be out of your house.)
It got even worse. My mom invited an elderly church friend to visit my dad—at around 10:30 a.m., and Priscilla flipped out. She called me and said, “your mom had no right to invite people into my home without my permission.” Priscilla even complained about my mom and that she wanted her out of her home if she couldn’t abide by her rules… I am not making this up.
I said, “are you seriously getting mad at my mom for bringing Betty over to visit my dying father??” “Like I don’t have time for this.” Then I hung up. **Pricilla has brought many people over to my parent’s house in the past. Some with asking permission after they were already there… So I don’t see the difference.** And then came the moment that changed everything.
A few hours later my brother called me at 8 PM and said if our dad wasn’t out of their house by that night, Priscilla was going to divorce him.
Let me remind you: my dad was still healing from a major procedure. They both agreed to take him in until the house was ready. Moving him prematurely—especially into a freshly painted house—could’ve killed him. We all knew he would pass away in less than a year to maybe two years, so it wasn’t like we had false hopes or anything. I pleaded with Dolittle. I argued. I BEGGED. Nothing.
I told him to “grow some balls!” But they were done helping. I had to set up a temporary recovery room in an unpainted bedroom with air purifiers and fans. I brought him home by myself. 3 oxygen tanks, hoses, clothing, food, wheelchair, help my dad into truck and back out when I got him home.
He never should’ve left their house at least for two more days. (Plus, his nurses were set up for their house). That was my goal. To air out the paint before bringing him home. We were almost there!!! And the medical professionals were too busy taking prescription pills they didn’t need. That’s another story but no wonder they lack empathy (side effect for taking drugs you don’t need).
The next few days were tender. My dad seemed okay—he was smiling, eating, and seemed happy to be home. Then on the second night, his oxygen machine failed. It had a filter change alert, and no one knew. He was gasping for air for nearly forty-five minutes.
My mom didn’t hear him over the noise of the air purifiers. (Again, this is why he should have still been at their house. We wouldn’t have needed all the noisy air purifiers and fans in their house. Pricilla was also the one who said he needed to have the biopsy. The doctors said it was up to my dad. She convinced him to get it done. We believed everything she said.)
I called the ambulance. A few days later he went into hospice. On the day he passed, my mom and I were by his side. I opened the window to let the sun in, played his favorite news channel, and wore lavender oil—so he’d remember his happy place.
I kept updating him, even though he couldn’t talk, because the nurse said he could still hear me. I told him that Dolittle and his family were on their way. “In about fifteen minutes,” I told him. He passed before they arrived. I like to think he chose that moment to pass away on his terms.
Even after I told them he had passed, Dolittle and Priscilla didn’t rush to the hospital. Instead, Priscilla said she was taking the kids to Barnes & Noble to get books about death. And her plan? She told her daughters that their grandfather was dying because he didn’t “eat healthy food” and didn’t “take care of himself.” She wanted that to be the lesson.
“Are you serious?” I asked her. “You are using my father’s death as a life lesson?” He’d only passed away 15 minutes prior. Like later on when they are older go ahead and let them know whatever she wants but really? Right now she is doing this? I was speechless and numb at this point.
He didn’t eat kale, but he sure as hell didn’t deserve to be kicked out of their house while recovering. That’s elder abuse. (I should add: after the funeral, my aunt—who’s a lawyer—texted Priscilla to let her know how serious that is under Florida law.) Priscilla stormed into our house (the after-party Celebration of Life), screaming at me for “trying to make her lose her kids.”
My oldest brother threw her out, calling her every name in the book.
This is what is happening now:
This month, my mom is getting remarried. I was ready to go—I had my plane tickets, dress, everything. But then my mom’s fiancé started texting me nonstop. Apparently, Dolittle is refusing to go to the wedding unless I agree to “acknowledge” him and play nice. He’s also worried that his daughters will “run to me” at the wedding—because they love me. But that was the last straw.
I decided not to go. I love my mom, and I hate that I will miss her wedding, but I refuse to be manipulated or emotionally extorted. Dolittle and Priscilla regularly use their kids to control my mom: “Do this, or you can’t see the girls.” And now they’re doing it to me. I miss my nieces, but I do not want to be controlled by their parents. The wedding is in 9 days and it would take me a day to get there by flight.
So, AITA for not going to my mom’s wedding?
What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:
Blonde2468 said:
Good heavens your brother and his wife are @SSHATS!!! I feel sorry for their poor kids!!
Jstj4m13 said:
You don’t have to play their games. You’re going for your mom. I would go, privately talk to your mom and her fiancé, and if D&P approach you, say bye to mom and leave in order to not create drama for your mom.
Their actions are not your responsibility.
iknowsomethings2 said:
NTA. Your brother and SILs actions could have led to your father’s premature death. I would NEVER forgive them. He could have died anyway, but you don’t know and the stress of all of this I’m sure made his last few days/weeks awful.
Tell your mum you won’t go to her wedding if your brother will be there because he’s a selfish, entitled POS and you want nothing to do with him or his wife. Or honestly go, and ignore them. And if ANYONE asks you what happened, why you aren’t talking etc, tell them EVERYTHING.
The wedding is probably not the place to do it, but still, only offer up the information if asked. I can’t believe your mum even still sees your brother after how he treated your father.
OP responded:
Thank you! Yeah I'm not sure if I'd ever be able to keep my composure around them. Even at a wedding. It is unforgivable what they did. And instead of apologizing and owning up my brother cowered and told me to never speak to his wife again... I said, "I wasn't planning on ever speaking to her again." That was a few days after my dad passed.
Gangster-Girl said:
Go to your mom’s wedding. The only acknowledgment you need is to give Dolittle a curt nod when you arrive then pointedly look away. Enjoy your niece’s hugs and shower them with affection. That’s the only playing nice that you need to do. If Dolittle or Priscilla act up, look at them disdainfully and tut-tut at their childish behavior.
OP responded:
I have had many friends tell me this as well. I have been looking into last minute plane tickets. Its up to 1600$ now. I am still looking at other airlines. Maybe it's not meant to be as I am not sure they will hold their composure if I just give a nod. My mom would be so upset and would probably blame me for not playing nice. I am still looking though.
gobsmacked247 said:
The only villians here are the brother and his wife. They chose to hurt your mother and their kids to spite you. Pitiful.
Vivid-Farm6291 said:
Pricilla would probably meltdown if grandma said I’m not doing whatever so I can’t babysit. It’s really deactivating the threat. Unfortunately she won’t stand up and those two will stomp all over her. I would continue calling out their behaviour whenever necessary.
I would also write the girls a letter now about your mums wedding and what happened and how they were missed. Just keep it and maybe one day they can read it and see someone else’s side. I have nieces and nephews that we don’t have a relationship with because I have a brother just like yours. It’s too late now we will never have a relationship. To many lies they told the kids constantly growing up. NTA
She later shared this update:
I decided to go to the wedding after all. After listening to all of the comments and suggestions I realized that life is too short, and I couldn’t miss my mom’s wedding. Thank you everyone for the advice. I will keep you updated on how it goes.
This is what happened when I arrived: I was back to being the Matron of Honor, so I made myself busy with wedding duties. We had a bachelorette party and had so much fun. Up until the day of the wedding we didn’t really discuss Dolittle and Pricilla until we were getting the flower girl baskets ready. Dolittle’s daughters along with my cousin’s two girls would be the flower girls.
We set up the venue for this small wedding. I went into the changing room and put on my dress then went back out into the main hall. I saw two of my nieces standing in the entrance. I waved at them and gave a big smile. They smiled and waved but were being held back.
I still had more wedding duties, so I went back to that and brushed off the fact that the girls had not entered the building yet. Finally, it was time to get my mom ready, so I went to her and started to fix her lipstick when my other brother walked in. “They left—they saw you and so they left.” My jaw dropped and my mom started to cry. I quickly calmed her down.
“Don’t worry mom. We are here for you. We have to keep going. This is your day not theirs.” But the damage was done and her heart was broken. I felt so disgusted at what they did to my mom. Actually, my heart broke for her. I forced my tears back and stayed strong for her. My cousin with her two daughters arrived just before the ceremony so we got the two girls ready asap and the wedding happened.
It was beautiful. Not a dry eye during the ceremony. The reception was fun, and everyone danced and really enjoyed themselves. So, I waited until after the wedding to find out what happened that made the granddaughters miss the wedding.
Who would dress their daughters up for their grandmother’s wedding as flower girls only to not even allow them inside the venue even just to see their grandma in her wedding dress. My other brother explained that my arrival was a secret… No one at my mother’s request was to tell Dolittle and Pricilla that I would be at the wedding.
When they saw me, they were in shock and decided to bounce before the girls could run to me. I do not agree that I should have been kept a secret. They should have let them know I was going to the wedding. Now the girls are probably traumatized by everything. Maybe my mom was hopeful that we would reconcile at her wedding. But I do not regret going at all. I was right where I needed to be.
Besides that, it was a beautiful wedding for my mom. From my prospective Dolittle and Pricilla should have let the girls at least see their grandma. They looked so beautiful, and they will never get this opportunity again. My mom is at fault as well for not telling them about me being there. Also, my fault for being there after saying I wouldn’t be there. But sorry. not sorry. Life is too short, thank you for all the advice!