'AITA for refusing to attend my sister's wedding after she humiliated me at her engagement dinner?'
"AITA for walking out of my sister's engagement dinner and refusing to attend her wedding after she humiliated me at the dinner in front of my boyfriend, our family and her future in-laws?"
My sister (30f) had her engagement dinner at our parents house a month ago. I (26f) was there with my boyfriend (26m). It was our side of the family (our parents, both sets of grandparents and five aunts and uncles). And her future ILs (fiancé's parents and siblings, his three living grandparents and like 10 aunts and uncles).
My sister's fiancé made some comments about wanting to get to know me and my boyfriend better. And saying we should meet up before the wedding and hang out. My boyfriend and I were on board with this but my sister was seriously quiet and then she said we would be doing nothing like that. She said I had already stolen one guy from her and I wasn't going to do it again.
This was followed up by her blaming me for her ex-fiancé breaking up with her because he liked me. I never did a thing with him and never would have. My sister was distant with me after that relationship breakdown and she confronted me about it at the time and I told her nothing happened. I sorta knew she didn't believe me but always thought she'd get over it. Apparently not.
My parents blew a fuse at dinner when she brought this up. They were disgusted she'd accuse me of stealing her bf when I was a teenager. They told her he was at fault for all of that. She told them I was so smug and figured I could get away with it but I'm nothing but a [offensive term for promiscuous woman].
My boyfriend jumped to my defense but I told him I just wanted to leave. I felt humiliated honestly. Especially when I had already denied anything happening and it was 10 years later and she was with someone else.
I was told a week ago that they have a date for the wedding set and I'll be invited. I told the relative who told me that I won't be going. Then I had some blowback from the family who told me walking out of the dinner was bad enough but not going to the wedding is several steps too far and that we're still sisters no matter what. AITA?
Edit: Clarifying that my parents are not expecting me to go or part of the relatives telling me I should still go. My parents have been very supportive and are on my side and reminded everyone I was 16 when my sister claims I did this. That this was a gross thing. It's extended relatives who are expecting me to go because we're sisters.
What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:
Glass_Confusion448 said:
NTA. I wouldn't go to the wedding unless she apologizes in front of the same people she made the scene in front of.
Any-Expression2246 said:
She called her 16 y/o little sister the w-word?
Why would anyone think she would go to her wedding now?
OP responded:
Because it's just what you do according to the relatives who expect me to go.
Anxious-Designer9315 said:
Turning up to the wedding without any apology or attempts at addressing this situation will just signal to your sister that what she has said is acceptable to you and that you won't stand up for yourself, so NTA.
If she came to you and apologised that might be a different matter, but your sister is accusing you of something pretty diabolical especially given you were a teenager and her ex an adult man. Why would you want to maintain a close relationship with someone who feels that way about you?
OP responded:
I think the chances of her ever apologizing are extremely low. But yeah, maybe with that I could consider going. Right now it feels like I'd be giving her another chance to shame me in front of others.
HUNGWHITEBOI25 said:
So the family giving you crap…they just…feel like what your POS sister did was totally fine…? Ya NTA Op, those relatives are the ones you can (and should) cut off. Your sister sucks and you did nothing wrong
OP responded:
Some thing I should be willing to go regardless. It was pointed out that my parents had already defended me and that should be enough for me to feel like she didn't get away with it. My parents aren't even on their side.
French_Konexion said:
NTA - Your sister had many opportunities to discuss this with you. An entire decade in fact. This was nor the time or place to do so. Letting that unravel at that moment was deliberate. You mean to tell me this never came up once in 10 years? The intent was to hurt and humiliate you based purely on speculation. There was no other outcome.
If you choose not to attend her wedding, you are fully in your right. You do not have to accept this from anyone, much less a sibling. After all, by doing what she did, she essentially asked for it because any reasonable person would not engage with that sort of behavior, sister or not.
Also, the fact that the request to hang out more came up at her pre-wedding party tells me you don't spend time with her as it is. This is a toxic relationship, has been for a long time it seems, and you are being mature enough to exercise your boundaries. Good for you.
OP responded:
It came up when she confronted me and that was it. She pulled away from me after that. We hardly ever see each other and we never talk outside of family events.
Traveler_Protocol1 said:
Why would you, the alleged W, be expected to go to the wedding? I really can’t even believe your parents would go after that. That is sick.
OP responded:
I don't know if my parents will go. They've been beyond angry at her. I don't think they've calmed down at all in the last month.
Owenashi said:
NTA. Who wants to go to a wedding for someone who acted like that to you? And more importantly, why would SHE want you there? She doesn't even want to have a double-date with you out of some insecure fear you'll somehow lure her fiance away from him for a threesome or the like.
I'm curious over what the fiance and his family think of all this. Is this something new from her or an escalation of talk she might have had about you when alone with them?
OP responded:
I got the feeling it was new. Only because he wanted to get to know us. If she'd said how she felt and accused me of stealing her ex then I'm not sure he would've done that.