Bride’s ‘silent wedding’ leaves brother questioning family’s sanity over unrealistic expectations. AITA?
"AITA for refusing to attend my sisters 'silent wedding' because she's forcing everyone to communicate using only ASL when none of us know it?"
ReindeerNo9354
I know this is gonna sound insane but I NEED to know if I'm the crazy one here. My (34 M) sister (31 F) is getting married in two months and she's decided to have a "silent wedding.”
This means no one is allowed to speak during the ENTIRE wedding. Instead she expects all 200+ guests to communicate using American Sign Language the entire day but literally NO ONE in the family knows ASL.
Now, my sister is NOT deaf nor is her fiancé nor are any of the immediate family members. She just thought it would be "unique" and "intimate" to force us all to learn a completely new language for her wedding. Her exact words: “It’s more inclusive for the deaf community” (Reminder: NO ONE IN THE WEDDING PARTY IS DEAF)
I told her this is absolutely absurd and that she can't expect hundreds of people to learn a new language just for one day of her life. She got furious and said I’m “ruining her vision” and “being ableist” by refusing to participate.
I told her this isn’t about ableism, it’s about the fact that none of us can communicate in ASL and that her wedding will basically just be 200 people sitting around silently confused as hell.
She says we have "plenty of time to learn the basics" but I'm a busy adult with a full time job, a family, and, I don't know, hobbies that don't involve learning an entire new language for someone else’s Instagram clout?? When I told her I might not even come if she doesn’t ease up on the ASL only rule, she said that I am being selfish and not supportive of her “groundbreaking idea.”
My parents are on her side, of course, because they think it is "cute and creative" and they have already started practicing the alphabet (as if that’s going to be enough).
Meanwhile, I feel like I'm living in some kind of unhinged dystopian reality where everyone is pretending this is a normal request for a wedding. Am I losing my mind here?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
mmmmm_pi
I so badly want to attend this wedding just to witness the dumpster fire in person. I would wager a good sum of money that people get frustrated and start talking within 10 minutes of the "I do's" being said. Anyway, NTA because attending a wedding is about supporting a relationship. It is not about being part of someone's "vision" or aesthetic or whatever idiocy people are picking up from social media.
jmking
There's absolutely no way people don't start whispering from basically the get go, and a low murmur 10 minutes in, but 20 minutes, everyone is just talking normally. I don't understand the "vision" here. To have her wedding feel like a funeral?
Like you're at a monastery where the monks all took a vow of silence? To diminish a real lived experience - either via injury, illness, or being born deaf, and appropriate it as an ✨ aEStHetiC ✨ for your wedding is just... massive ignorance.
Like, is the ceremony in ASL? The vows? Did they find bartenders and servers that can sign? When people start just talking, is the wife going to stand up and loudly sign at everyone to shut up? What about music? Does silent wedding mean no music either?
This can't be a real thing. It's so wildly naive, not in any way practical, and so out of control self-important that she even for a second thought this was something that she could actually ask of people, AND expect them to actually follow through is just on a level I just cannot even imagine.
DragonCelica
"To diminish a real lived experience - either via injury, illness, or being born deaf, and appropriate it as an ✨ aEStHetiC ✨ for your wedding is just... massive ignorance."
This was my immediate thought as well. It's mind-boggling. Learning ASL to better interact with others who already know/use/need it = great! Learning ASL as a prop to fit your quirky aesthetic = what in the ever-loving-fuck is wrong with you?!
Patient_Morning_3737
You’re definitely not losing your mind! This sounds like a wedding designed for a reality show rather than a family gathering. I mean, I love a good theme, but asking 200 people to suddenly become fluent in ASL for one day is a bit much!
Maybe she should consider a more traditional wedding, like one where everyone can actually communicate. Who knew saying “I do” could come with a side of “good luck figuring out hand signals”?
PensOverSwords2K
I’m hard of hearing and still only have mildly above- basic ASL skills after beginning to learn 4 years ago. It’s a great skill to have/a beautiful language and a unique Deaf culture is fostered by the intimacy of the language, but it’s bizarre to incorporate this into a hearing wedding with no ties to Deaf culture. Also, I feel like the bride is underplaying the complexities of ASL and its roots.
Does she know about ASL grammar structure for instance, and how different communities within the Deaf community can sign differently? Or does she just see this as a quirky thing to make her wedding seem different? An easier way to use her ‘vision’, would be to do the ‘vow of silence’ and give everyone mini chalkboards or whiteboards to communicate.
Bae_pumpkin
NTA. Your sister's request is unreasonable and inconsiderate. It's her wedding, and she has the right to make it unique, but expecting 200+ guests to learn a new language just to attend is absurd and impractical.
Traditional_Yard_404
I personally think that this is an insult to actual deaf people. These are real human beings that are marginalized and disrespected on a daily basis. It is not okay to use their lifestyle as a cute niche for her wedding. Your whole family is disgusting.