'AITA for refusing to babysit for my sister unless she pays me?' + UPDATE
"AITA for refusing to babysit for my sister unless she pays me?"
Hi, I'm 20, non-binary (they/them), and currently unemployed not by choice, just in between jobs and figuring things out. I live with my parents while job hunting and trying to figure everything out.
My older sister 33F has two kids 4M and 2F and she’s a single mom. I love my niece and nephew to SOOOOOO MUCH, but lately she’s been leaning on me for childcare. Like MULTIPLE times a week and sometimes it’s all day. She’ll drop them off at my parents’ house (where she knows I’ll be), sometimes she won’t even text me or call me to let me know.
At first, I didn’t mind helping. But it’s becoming a full-time unpaid job. I don’t have time for job applications or really ANYTHING when I’m constantly chasing toddlers around.
Last week I told her, “Hey, I can still help sometimes, but if you want me to watch the kids regularly, I need to be paid because you know my situation” She flipped. Said I was being selfish and ungrateful since I “live rent-free” and “don’t have a real job.” My parents kind of sided with her, saying I should help because she is family and that it’s not like I have anything better to do.
I feel bad, but I also feel like my time and energy matter — even if I’m not working a 9-5. I don’t want to cut her off, but I’m tired of being guilted into unpaid labor What do you guys think I should do? AITA or is she?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s initial post:
NTA. You need to stop being home. Treat job hunting like an actual job. Get up first thing and get dressed and ready for the day and head out to job hunt. Even if that means taking your laptop to a cafe. That way you’ll at least have more control over when it happens.
You don’t have anything else to do? Tell your parents that as long as she is expecting you to work for her, you won’t be looking for a job. See how they react then.
NTA you are asking to get paid for babysitting, your sister is trying to let someone do work without getting payed, also with taking care of those kids I'm sure it's hard to go to interviews, get applications ready etc.
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
Hey again, I wanted to post an update because things with my sister escalated in a way that I never expected, and I’ve also had a little bit of a breakthrough in my job search.
First a quick clarification. I had mentioned in my original post that I’m non-binary and use they/them pronouns I included that just to give context about who I am as a person.
I definitely wasn’t trying to spark debate or push anyone’s buttons. I had no idea it would make some people upset, and honestly wasn’t the point of the post in the slightest. Now for the update.
After I told my sister (33F) that I couldn’t keep watching her kids constantly for free and that I needed to start setting boundaries so I could focus on job huntin, she absolutely blew up on me.
At first, it was the stuff that we had heard before. She was calling me lazy, ungrateful, saying I live "rent-free" and “have nothing better to do.” But then she said some things to me that I don’t think I’ll forget.
She started yelling at me in front of my parents, saying I was pathetic, a burden to everyone, and that no one would ever hire an “ungrateful btSh” like me. Then she straight up said “Honestly, if you can’t even help your own family you might as well just die because you’re useless anyway.”
I just stood there shocked. I couldn’t believe she said that to me. I’ve bent over backwards for her for MONTHS, rescheduled many different interviews and did everything I can to help her kids because I love them. But hearing those words from my own sister? It broke something in me. That kind of cruelty just doesn’t go away.
What makes this worse is that my parents still tried to downplay it. My mom told me she "didn't mean it" and that my sister is "just stressed." But there’s a difference between being stressed and just being plain deliberately cruel.
I’ve never said anything even close to that to her. Even when she’s dropped her kids on me WITHOUT a warning or when she’s made me cancel plans. The ironic part? I actually have two job interviews later this week.
One is for a remote admin position, and the other is part-time work at a nonprofit I really support and love what they are doing. I’ve been working hard on applications and resumes in between babysitting toddlers all week, and it’s FINALLY starting to pay off. But none of that matters to her. In her eyes if I’m not working a full-time 9-5 right now, I’m nothing but a worthless sack of $hyt.
Also, for some added context which I didn’t mention before. Both of my parents make solid incomes between $80,000 and $120,000 a year each. So we’re not in any kind of financial crisis.
They were also HAPPY when I wanted to move back in after my last job let me go. There’s just this expectation that because I live at home and I’m “in between jobs,” I should drop everything to become a full-time nanny FOR FREE. No sort of discussion no consideration for my time, mental health, or goals.
So yeah… I still love my niece and nephew with all my heart and I still want to be part of their lives. But I don’t think I can keep being treated like I don’t matter. Not by my sister, and not by anyone else in my family.
So, I’ll ask again. AITA for setting boundaries, asking to be paid for childcare, and prioritizing my own life even if my sister thinks that makes me “selfish. Also wish me luck at my interviews later this week!!
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s update:
NTA, sit your parents down and lay out her behavior. if they still defend her, as soon as you start getting paychecks, you need to get out. maybe even before then. stay safe!!
Frankly, your sister owes you a massive apology, and even then, you’d be well within your rights to create serious distance for your own emotional safety.
NTA. Your sister was cruel, not "just stressed", and you have every right to set boundaries. Wanting respect and pay isn't selfish, it's basic. Good luck with your interviews, you're doing the right thing.
Good luck I'm sure you will nail the interviews. Sorry your sister sucks maybe she should get her head checked or something.
If you ever watch those children again without a heartfelt apology from both your sister and your parents you're a fool. Actions have consequences. If you don't show that now, you'll be her doormat forever.