'AITA for refusing to babysit for my sister unless she pays me?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for refusing to babysit for my sister unless she pays me?"
Hi, I'm 20, non-binary (they/them), and currently unemployed not by choice, just in between jobs and figuring things out. I live with my parents while job hunting and trying to figure everything out.
My older sister 33F has two kids 4M and 2F and she’s a single mom. I love my niece and nephew to SOOOOOO MUCH, but lately she’s been leaning on me for childcare. Like MULTIPLE times a week and sometimes it’s all day. She’ll drop them off at my parents’ house (where she knows I’ll be), sometimes she won’t even text me or call me to let me know.
At first, I didn’t mind helping. But it’s becoming a full-time unpaid job. I don’t have time for job applications or really ANYTHING when I’m constantly chasing toddlers around.
Last week I told her, “Hey, I can still help sometimes, but if you want me to watch the kids regularly, I need to be paid because you know my situation” She flipped. Said I was being selfish and ungrateful since I “live rent-free” and “don’t have a real job.” My parents kind of sided with her, saying I should help because she is family and that it’s not like I have anything better to do.
I feel bad, but I also feel like my time and energy matter — even if I’m not working a 9-5. I don’t want to cut her off, but I’m tired of being guilted into unpaid labor What do you guys think I should do? AITA or is she?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s initial post:
NTA. You need to stop being home. Treat job hunting like an actual job. Get up first thing and get dressed and ready for the day and head out to job hunt. Even if that means taking your laptop to a cafe. That way you’ll at least have more control over when it happens.
You don’t have anything else to do? Tell your parents that as long as she is expecting you to work for her, you won’t be looking for a job. See how they react then.
NTA you are asking to get paid for babysitting, your sister is trying to let someone do work without getting payed, also with taking care of those kids I'm sure it's hard to go to interviews, get applications ready etc.
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
Hey again, I wanted to post an update because things with my sister escalated in a way that I never expected, and I’ve also had a little bit of a breakthrough in my job search.
First a quick clarification. I had mentioned in my original post that I’m non-binary and use they/them pronouns I included that just to give context about who I am as a person.
I definitely wasn’t trying to spark debate or push anyone’s buttons. I had no idea it would make some people upset, and honestly wasn’t the point of the post in the slightest. Now for the update.
After I told my sister (33F) that I couldn’t keep watching her kids constantly for free and that I needed to start setting boundaries so I could focus on job huntin, she absolutely blew up on me.
At first, it was the stuff that we had heard before. She was calling me lazy, ungrateful, saying I live "rent-free" and “have nothing better to do.” But then she said some things to me that I don’t think I’ll forget.
She started yelling at me in front of my parents, saying I was pathetic, a burden to everyone, and that no one would ever hire an “ungrateful btSh” like me. Then she straight up said “Honestly, if you can’t even help your own family you might as well just die because you’re useless anyway.”
I just stood there shocked. I couldn’t believe she said that to me. I’ve bent over backwards for her for MONTHS, rescheduled many different interviews and did everything I can to help her kids because I love them. But hearing those words from my own sister? It broke something in me. That kind of cruelty just doesn’t go away.
What makes this worse is that my parents still tried to downplay it. My mom told me she "didn't mean it" and that my sister is "just stressed." But there’s a difference between being stressed and just being plain deliberately cruel.
I’ve never said anything even close to that to her. Even when she’s dropped her kids on me WITHOUT a warning or when she’s made me cancel plans. The ironic part? I actually have two job interviews later this week.
One is for a remote admin position, and the other is part-time work at a nonprofit I really support and love what they are doing. I’ve been working hard on applications and resumes in between babysitting toddlers all week, and it’s FINALLY starting to pay off. But none of that matters to her. In her eyes if I’m not working a full-time 9-5 right now, I’m nothing but a worthless sack of $hyt.
Also, for some added context which I didn’t mention before. Both of my parents make solid incomes between $80,000 and $120,000 a year each. So we’re not in any kind of financial crisis.
They were also HAPPY when I wanted to move back in after my last job let me go. There’s just this expectation that because I live at home and I’m “in between jobs,” I should drop everything to become a full-time nanny FOR FREE. No sort of discussion no consideration for my time, mental health, or goals.
So yeah… I still love my niece and nephew with all my heart and I still want to be part of their lives. But I don’t think I can keep being treated like I don’t matter. Not by my sister, and not by anyone else in my family.
So, I’ll ask again. AITA for setting boundaries, asking to be paid for childcare, and prioritizing my own life even if my sister thinks that makes me “selfish. Also wish me luck at my interviews later this week!!
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s update:
NTA, sit your parents down and lay out her behavior. if they still defend her, as soon as you start getting paychecks, you need to get out. maybe even before then. stay safe!!
Frankly, your sister owes you a massive apology, and even then, you’d be well within your rights to create serious distance for your own emotional safety.
NTA. Your sister was cruel, not "just stressed", and you have every right to set boundaries. Wanting respect and pay isn't selfish, it's basic. Good luck with your interviews, you're doing the right thing.
Good luck I'm sure you will nail the interviews. Sorry your sister sucks maybe she should get her head checked or something.
If you ever watch those children again without a heartfelt apology from both your sister and your parents you're a fool. Actions have consequences. If you don't show that now, you'll be her doormat forever.
Fifteen days later, the OP returned with an update.
Hey, I didn’t think I’d be back with another update, but I want to close the loop on what’s been one of the most painful, chaotic, and strangely empowering chapters of my life.
I originally came here asking if I was wrong for not wanting to be my sister’s full-time unpaid babysitter just because I was “between jobs.” Since then, everything has snowballed. But through it all, your advice helped me find some clarity and more importantly some peace.
So here's the final update.
First, I’m working now. That remote admin position I interviewed for? I got it and I’ve already been working there for a little while. It’s going so great.
My coworkers are supportive, the job is stable and I finally feel like I’m building something for myself. I also took your advice and paid the security deposit on my own apartment. It’s nothing fancy, but it’s safe, it’s quiet, and it’s finally something that’s mine.
But things with my sister got worse before they got better or at least before they bottomed out. Somehow, she got my address even though I never gave it to her. One night it close to midnight, I heard furious banging at my door.
When I looked out the peephole, I saw her completely wasted, shouting and staggering, yelling insults I honestly didn’t even have the energy to respond to. I cracked the door just a bit worried maybe something had happened to her kids and she got right in my face.
Her breath reeked of alcohol, and she was slurring horrible things about how I was a "pathetic freak" who “abandoned” the family, how I was “dead to her,” how “people like me don’t deserve to be loved.”
How I was such a “F up” and that I would never go anywhere in life. It was unhinged. Then I saw her car parked crooked outside. Her kids were in the back seat. In pajamas. It was midnight. She brought them with her while she was blackout drunk and threatening me.
I told her she needed to leave. That she was scaring me. She screamed in my face, stormed off the porch and came back with a rock. Before I could move, she hurled it through my front window with full force. I had been looking out the window, trying to see where her car was and the rock hit me in the side of the face.
Glass flew everywhere. I stumbled back, bleeding, stunned. And just like that she bolted to her car, still drunk, still screaming. She drove off. But she didn’t get far. A few minutes later, I heard the sirens. She had crashed her car just a few blocks away.
Everyone is okay. Let me say that again the kids are okay, THANK GOD. Some bruises, a lot of fear, but no one seriously hurt. But my sister? She’s in a lot of trouble now. She got a DUI, endangering minors, and destruction of property. There’s a real case building.
I filed a full report, and this time I am pressing charges because what else can I do? I didn’t want it to come to this. I didn’t want to be the person calling the cops on my own sister, or watching her get handcuffed while her kids cried in the back of a patrol car. But she left me no choice. She put me AND her own children in danger. And this time, it couldn’t be ignored. And for once, my parents agree.
After seeing the wreck, the police report, the hospital paperwork from where I was treated for the blow to my face my parents finally saw it for what it was. Not stress. Not a bad night. Not “family drama.” This was abuse. This was unsafe. And this was something that could have ended so very differently.
They apologized. Fully. Said they were wrong to enable her, wrong to guilt me, wrong to dismiss everything leading up to this. They told me I was right to set boundaries, to move out, to call for help.
So, AITA for refusing to be used, for choosing to protect myself, and for putting my safety above someone else's denial? No. I was never the AH. I was someone trying to survive. I still love my niece and nephew more than anything. And I hope that as they grow up, they’ll know I never walked away from them I just finally stood up for myself.
Thanks again to everyone who listened, validated, and encouraged me. I didn’t have a lot of support at home, but somehow, you gave me the strength to change my life. I’m working, healing, and finally, I feel safe.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s final update:
NTA. I mean, who brings their kids along while they're blackout drunk and throwing rocks? What the hell?
I'm glad you're safe and finally, your parents agree with you! Perhaps your sister will now get the help she needs. And you can still continue the relationship with your niece and nephew. You were never the AH.
NTA. I’m sorry you had to go through all of that. Your sister is truly unhinged and it’s disgusting that it took for this to get your parents to take their blinkers off. You continue to put yourself first, no one else will. Stay strong and good luck.