"AITA for refusing to be a kidney donor for my brother?"
This is a throwaway account just in case since a few of my relatives know my real account. Forgive the long post, but I think it's best to give some background. I (32 F) am a savior sibling.
Basically I was made to be used as spare parts for my eldest brother, Drew (37 M). I have another brother, Mark, who is 34 who was supposed to be the savior sibling but due health reasons, he was not a viable donor. They ignored him most of his life.
Drew was 2 years old when he was diagnosed with brain cancer. It was devastating and finding a bone marrow donor was not going well. After a few months, they decided to have a child to get the bone marrow. That's where my second brother came.
As I said previously, he was not viable due his health. Which turn into my parents having a third child, me. I became the savior sibling starting with my umbilical cord. Then bone marrow donations since I was a toddler. If you've seen My Sister's Keeper, it was pretty similar situation, albeit in Spanish.
I spent most of my early childhood just being exhausted. I couldn't go to kinder and early school with other children because from the donations my health was affected. My diet was tailored to be 'at my best state' for the next donation.
Around the time Drew was 14, he was declared cancer free. There was never any acknowledgement of me donating parts of my body since birth so he could live. Only a big party and him being called a miracle by the whole family.
Before when he was sick, I didn't interact much with Drew. He was either at the hospital or in the only air conditioned room, with his own TV and the latest game console available. He never really tried to form a relationship with either me or our other brother.
Healthy Drew was a nightmare. He treated me like his personal maid, bullied our other brother, constantly hit us, push us, insult us. Think the most stereotypical bully and he was pretty much that.
Our parents didn't really care. He was the center of their world and the rest of us an afterthought. Whatever he wanted, he got. Whatever the rest of us needed, we had to figure out how to make do.
Mark pretty much took the role of raising me. He starting working at 15 and using what little he made so I could go on school field trips, have snacks, and he always got me a present for Christmas.
That was my only present for many years. Our parents also didn't help with university, so we both made do with a local university. They were too busy paying for Drew to travel and party to even help with out books.
Eventually we both got hired overseas. I lived in the US for a few years and now I live in Spain and work as a police officer. Mark lives in Netherlands and is also in law enforcement. Our parents and Drew remain in South America.
My parents call maybe once a year during my birthday. I had no contact with Drew for about a decade. Mark and I visit each other constantly and I talk to him almost every day. That was our normal and we all were happy with it.
Until about three weeks ago. I got a rare off season call from my parents. They don't call for holidays so this meant an emergency. I answered and my mother was crying since the moment I started the call.
She told me they were at the hospital after Drew fainted during one of his many trips. Turns out all his partying and vices caught up to him and he's gone into renal failure. He's currently on dialysis, but my old hospital records were still with my parents and it said I was a match for him to be a kidney donor.
My mom told me I needed to be there in five days for the surgery. She didn't ask, just told me, like when I was four and I cried that I didn't want to be poke and prodded, but she still told me to 'deal with it'.
I said no. Only no. She was stunned for only a minute or so before she started cursing me and telling me this is 'what I was made for'. I just asked her to say it louder now that I had her in speaker so my whole station could hear her. That was a lie, but I knew the idea of people hearing her would make her stop. She cussed me out and ended the call.
From then I've received multiple phone messages, emails, and even written mail from relatives telling me how disappointed they are of me. Some cursing me, and I mean it in the literal sense, and a few threats, legal and otherwise. I just delete and throw them away, since I am not really concerned.
The issue is, from what I heard Drew is getting worst really fast and a part of me does feel guilty. A friend of mine who did go through with a kidney donation knows of what's going on and asked me if I could live knowing I let my brother die.
I said yes, but at the same time I know that's a lie. The more logical part of me constantly reminds me I am not responsible, he is from his bad decisions, but the emotional part that has been basically molded from years of being a spare parts child screams for me to book a ticket and head back. So, in the interest of perspective... AITA for refusing to donate to him?
Edit to clear something out: Surgery would not have been in 5 days I arrive. I wrote it to keep it short, but there's a lot of testing involved. 5 days is when the process which is testing, health checks, etc, would begin.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. A thousand times NTA!!! You are feeling guilty for not helping your brother because you have been conditioned from birth to be his donor. But you are not his tool - you are a human being and belong to yourself.
Even leaving aside your parents' treating you as spare parts and not as their child, your older brother's treatment of you was cruel, selfish and especially disgusting given that you had saved his life over and over. And now his condition is the result of his own choices and actions. You owe him NOTHING.
OP-don’t donate that kidney, even if your family threatens going no contact. Doesn’t sound like Drew would be a good recipient, based on his life choices. I really doubt he’d care for his new kidney, follow a strict renal diet, take all his immunosuppressant medication, wear a mask in public right after the surgery, and so on.
I think it would be a waste of a healthy kidney. Plus, there would be physical restrictions on the donor, such as no contact sports. That might preclude staying in law enforcement, depending on your job.
Absolutely not. Drew is experiencing the wise saying “consequences of my own actions”. Your parents are also at fault for “creating the monster”. You and Mark cut the toxicity out of your lives and this is that toxicity trying to seep back in.
And think of it this way. 1: Did Drew call you and ask you personally? No? Then he feels entitled to it since that’s what he was raised to believe. Not his fault, but as an adult, he should have enough emotional intelligence and empathy to realize how awful your childhood was.
2: What’s stopping him from getting your kidney, going back to destructive ways, and ruining that healthy kidney you just gave him. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if your parents asked you to donate your last kidney to him 😒 If he isn’t in therapy, has gone through rehab (if needed) then you’re basically just throwing it away. You deserve to have a happy and healthy life, guilt free. NTA hun.
NTA, there are complications that come from donating kidneys long term and you need to be 100% sure if your choice in case it leads to health problems for you. That being said he may not qualify for a donor kidney because of his life style so you have to be sure of your choice.
They may have "made you" for the purpose of saving your brother, but you have a right to your own life. You are an autonomous adult human being.and get to make decisions for YOUR benefit. NTA.