'AITA for refusing to be around my brother after the 'joke' he made around my daughter?' UPDATED

"AITAH for refusing to be around my brother after he upset my daughter and hid behind 'just joking'?"

My (43F) brother (40M) has a long pattern of saying hurtful or offensive things and then hiding behind “I’m just joking” when someone gets upset. He’s done this our whole lives. If anyone calls him out, he turns it around and acts like they’re too sensitive instead of taking accountability.

Recently, he said some offensive remarks around my daughter (19F) and my nephew (10M). My nephew mimicked him and my brother thought it was funny and continued to instigate the situation when my daughter got upset. After he continued to bait her, she told him to shut up, and then he yelled back at her and told her to shut up.

I wasn’t there when this happened. I arrived after the situation to her crying and upset, so naturally I got worked up and it turned into a shouting match. She’s not a disrespectful kid, so when I heard she told him to “shut up,” I knew something serious had been said.

And without getting into specifics, I can tell you it’s definitely akin to hate speech. We couldn’t believe he said it, especially in front of my very impressionable nephew. He continued to pass it off as a “joke,” and acted like she overreacted. That’s not funny to me, and it’s definitely not appropriate to say around a child. When she reacted, he dismissed it like she was the problem.

What’s worse than just one offensive remark: this pattern of saying something harmful and then acting like everyone else is overreacting. It’s manipulative and emotional mistreatment as far as I’m concerned.

So I set a boundary: until he gives a real apology and shows he understands why what he said was wrong, I won’t be around him, and I won’t have my daughter around him either.

I was sort of made to feel by other family members like I’m overreacting and that I should just let it go because “that’s just how he is.” But I don’t think “that’s just how he is” is a good enough excuse when it comes to my child. AITA?

This is what people had to say to OP:

PsiBlaze said:

NTA. He's not good to be around. When someone gaslights you because they don't want to accept being wrong, they're a bad person without a doubt.

GrouchyBear_99 said:

So I set a boundary: until he gives a real apology and shows he understands why what he said was wrong, I won’t be around him, and I won’t have my daughter around him either.

I would avoid a 40-year-old man that bullies and instigates a 19- and 10-year-old because you will NOT be getting a sincere apology. NTA.

HCIBSW said:

NTA. All your family members saying “that’s just how he is.” are the ones that have helped enable him into the asshole he is today. No one took initiative before you and they just want to stop him from complaining about it now.

OP responded:

Yes- everyone brushing him off has enabled him. There’s never been any true consequences. We’ve gotten into spats before about his harmful remarks and this time it fully blew up. His manipulative behavior has never been properly addressed. If this is how he wants to continue treat his family, we’re done.

OP later shared this update:

Thank you to everyone who responded. Growing up, this kind of behavior was often forgiven too easily, so it’s been validating to realize I’m not alone and that I didn’t overreact. Everything happened quickly. I went at my brother guns blazing, and then wrote my original post while I was still very emotional, so now I've had some time to cool off.

Since then, I’ve spoken with both of my parents and made it clear that I’ll be going no contact with my brother and why: I feel like his remarks are intended to be harmful and he continues to evade any kind of accountability. When we were kids, he would act out because even negative attention was still attention. Now we’re adults and I feel like that behavior just grew and has turned him into a monster.

Some of you pointed out I should have set stronger boundaries sooner, and I take responsibility for that. My mom has long seen his behavior for what it is, while my dad has tended to be more forgiving, which I think has contributed to the lack of accountability.

I think the constant forgiveness comes from guilt and pity, honestly. I don't see him often, family get-togethers or holidays, so I guess he was just easy for me to ignore. When I first posted I thought I might be open to reconciliation if there was a sincere apology and real change, maybe because I thought that's what you're supposed to do? But realistically, I don’t see that happening.

A lot if you with similar experiences felt the same. People like this don't really change so there will be nothing for me to forgive. So we’ll be going no contact. I chose peace over the grief he continues to cause us.