'AITA for refusing to be the 'best man' at my twin brother's wedding after he proposed to my ex?'
"AITA for refusing to be the 'best man' at my twin brother's wedding after he proposed to my ex?"
So, I (27M) have an identical twin brother, "Ryan." Growing up, we were super close, always doing everything together. That was until a few years ago when things started to get weird between us because of, well… dating drama.
About three years ago, I was in a serious relationship with my ex, "Emily" (26F). We dated for nearly two years and even talked about getting engaged. Things ended suddenly when she told me she "wasn’t ready for a serious commitment." I was heartbroken, but I respected her decision and moved on (or so I thought).
Fast forward to last month, Ryan dropped a bomb on me—he’s engaged to Emily. Yes, my Emily. The one I was still quietly getting over. I had no idea they were even dating. He told me they started seeing each other about a year after we broke up and kept it a secret because they "didn’t want to hurt me." Um, yeah… great job on that one.
Now, here’s where it gets worse. Ryan asked me to be his best man. I was in complete shock. I told him there’s no way I could stand up there and watch him marry someone I was in love with, let alone celebrate it.
He got defensive and said I was being petty, that I needed to "grow up and let go of the past." Our parents are backing him up, saying "love works in mysterious ways" and that I should support my brother’s happiness.
Meanwhile, some friends think I’m justified and that it’s insane he even asked me. Ryan and I haven’t spoken much since the argument, and the wedding planning is underway.
I feel like I’m stuck between being seen as the bitter, jealous twin or losing my relationship with my brother entirely. AITA for refusing to be his best man? Would I be an AH if I didn’t even attend the wedding?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
He's asking way too much. At a minimum this would be awkward for you to attend. But as the best man you're supposed to get up there and give a speech? That's just asking for trouble. And I think that's how you should reply.
NTA. This is next-level betrayal disguised as "love works in mysterious ways." Asking you to be his best man is either painfully tone-deaf or downright cruel. Protect your peace—no one should be forced to cheer on their brother marrying their ex.
NTA. He crapped all over the his relationship with you. He knew this would devastate you. That’s why he didn’t ask how you would feel when he first started talking to her about dating. He has shown how untrustworthy he is, did they really start dating a year after your breakup. Or was there always emotional cheating, if not physical? Your parents are also AH.
NTA but let me just clarify the timeline.
"About three years ago, I was in a serious relationship with my ex, "Emily" (26F). We dated for nearly two years and even talked about getting engaged."
Did you START dating Emily 3 years ago, dated for 2 years and broke up about a year ago, or did you guys break up 3 years ago?
The answer doesn't change if your brother is an AH or not it's just helps decide how much of an AH he is. Bc from your pov with things getting weird between you and your bro bc of dating drama, your ex dumping you out of nowhere, and your bro now suddenly announcing their engagement it reads very much to me like they had something going on before Emily broke up with you.
NTA I wouldn't even go let alone accept a position at the wedding. I'd tell my parents to sit down and be silent, this has nothing to do with them and they don't get an opinion.
No you aren't...
YES he is ...
I Would love to see The family drama ...
NTA. Your brother and ex are disgusting. There are millions of people of around them, they didnt have to get with each other. This is just BS reasoning.
NTA. It’s understandable that you’re hurt, and your feelings are completely valid. You spent years with Emily, and having your brother date her after you broke up — and keeping it secret — is a major violation of trust. Then, for him to ask you to be his best man, essentially expecting you to celebrate something that’s still emotionally raw for you? That’s a lot to ask.
Your brother should have considered your feelings more, especially given how close you were growing up. And while your parents are trying to play the “love works in mysterious ways” card, they’re not the ones who have to deal with the fallout. You’re not obligated to support this situation, especially if it feels like a betrayal.
You’re not being petty for setting boundaries. It’s okay to put your mental and emotional well-being first here. If you feel that attending the wedding would be too much, then you don’t have to go. Your relationship with your brother might need time to heal, and forcing yourself into a role you’re not ready for could make things worse.
There’s a code. He broke it. And the keeping it hidden to protect your feelings was actually because they were embarrassed and knew they had done wrong. Don’t be best man, don’t go to the wedding and book yourself a nice getaway which ‘accidentally’ falls on the day.
NTA. You’re not the bitter, jealous twin.. you’re the twin who’s reasonably baffled by a situation that feels like it was scripted by a Netflix drama writer on a deadline. Your brother secretly dated your ex, got engaged to her, and now expects you to be his best man?
That’s like getting hit by a bus and being asked to drive it. If love works in mysterious ways, this one’s working in a way that needs an exorcist. Stand your ground.. you’re not required to provide free emotional labor just to make their wedding photo album look nice.