'AITA for refusing to be grateful to the woman who 'took care' of me?'
"AITA for refusing to be grateful to the woman who 'took care' of me?"
Okay, so I (20F) recently had a huge blowout with my mom that ended with her calling me "disrespectful" and "ungrateful." Why? Because I told her I hate my grandmother and I can’t stand being in her presence. She absolutely lost it, yelling at me that I should never say something so awful again.
Growing up, my mom worked a lot, which meant I was often left with my grandmother. You’d think that’d be fine, right? Nope. She starved me. Not just “forgot to feed me once or twice” kind of thing—I mean, she deliberately didn’t feed me.
I’d be home with her for hours, and she wouldn’t give me anything to eat. Meanwhile, if my cousins were around, she’d give them money for snacks and tell them not to share with me. Imagine being a little kid, watching your family eat while you sit there hungry.
It didn’t stop there. My grandmother would constantly badmouth me to her sisters and neighbors, painting me as some terrible child. But the worst part? When my uncles were around, things escalated.
Once, I ate a slice of cheese from the fridge, because I was starving, my uncle screamed at me, making me feel like I had committed some horrible crime just for eating. He yelled at me and told me the food was not for me.
As a result, I was locked in a room as punishment just for daring to feed myself. And my mom? I told her, yet she did nothing and told me to be patient because my uncle came from abroad. Mind you I was 8 at the time.
Fast forward to now, and my mom expects me to just play happy family? To act like my childhood wasn’t filled with neglect and mistreatment from the woman she wants me to respect?
Yeah, not happening. I don’t respect my grandmother. I don’t like being around her. And I sure as hell don’t feel guilty about saying it. But after seeing my mom’s reaction, I’m wondering— if i was being too petty and I should let all of this go? so- AITA for saying I hate my grandmother?
Edit: I want to clarify that I love my mother, and I know she has tried to stand up for me. She has told me multiple times that she confronted my grandmother about how she mistreated me, but it was of no use.
Given the importance of respecting parents and elders in our culture, I was even willing to move back in with my grandmother for my mom’s sake because she was really worried about her as she’s getting older. (Thankfully, we didn’t end up moving back.)
But despite my efforts to acknowledge my mom’s love for my grandmother, it feels like it doesn’t matter. In arguments like these, I always end up feeling horrible—wondering why my mother would still side with my grandmother, knowing how terribly I was treated.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
NTA. I'm afraid that I'm inclined to believe that your mother did know how you were being treated. How could she not? What you describe is incredibly horrible and heartbreaking. My maternal grandmother was wonderful to me; she too tended me often while my mom worked. I actually preferred her to anyone else.
Do what you need to to move past this. You can't change the past, but you have control of your future. Fill it with people who treat you with love and kindness and go forward to live a happy life in spite of your upbringing.
NTA. HIGHLY recommend reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Adults. It’s helpful. Individual therapy can be really helpful in supporting your own healing too- especially because a lot of us develop coping skills out of necessity that helped us survive our childhood that don’t necessarily serve us well as adults.
If you find you aren’t showing up the way you want to for yourself and others, therapy can really help. People pleasing is one of those things you might need to let go of now.
NTA and your feelings are valid but your mom should realize how insanely lucky she is that you don’t (and it would be valid if you did) feel the same way about here.
Good lord NTA. You should not let any of this go, as far as wanting to interact with that woman. You were horribly abused as a child by the people who were supposed to care for you. You don’t owe any of them anything.
NTA your mother is horrible to think that her mother starving you and mistreating was ok. Your mom and her family are horrible. I hope you can someday put distance from her and then you deserve better.
NTA. Sweetie, it sounds like your mama is more like grandma than you think. You have been and continue to be emotionally abused, and that’s on your mama and her mama. This is learned behavior, hence your uncle screaming at you for getting a piece of cheese?!
I bet the word ‘hate’ was too much for your mama to handle, about the valid reason you feel the way you do. And your reasons are so valid. I’m so sorry you have to deal with those two. The apple didn’t fall far from the tree in this case.
Try to find a place to live that doesn’t include mama or grandma. Find out if any of your friends are looking for a roommate. If that’s even in the cards for you. I wish you luck, peace and happiness. 💜✌🏼
NTA Ask mom what is there to respect? What is there to be grateful for? She didn't take care of you, she kept you around so she'd have someone to abuse. Mom wants to think of you as disrespectful and ungrateful.
That's because she'd have to take accountability for keeping you in an abusive situation. She'd have to reflect on her own actions in your abuse and self-reflection is one of the hardest things for a person to do. You have the right to feel the way you do.