'AITA for refusing to be the guardian of my sister's children?'
"AITA for refusing to be the guardian of my sister's children?"
I'm a single stepmom of two boys (7, 5) and have been their sole caretaker for a little over a year since my husband (bio dad) passed away. These kids have been through a lot. First, their mother abandoned them for another man and cut off contact.
When I met my husband, she still saw them every couple of months, but after I entered the picture, she slammed the door shut, gave up her rights, and that was it. I don't know much about her. When my husband died, I tried contacting her (at my older son's request), but she never responded.
When my husband passed, it was clear I would keep the children. I didn't hesitate. Social workers discussed my options, but I had made my decision. I think kids deserve a mother, and these children became attached to me, as attached as I became to them. I knew them since they were almost babies, and to me they still are.
It's been hard tho. I wasn't even sure I wanted to be a mother (never was), and shortly before my husband died, we decided to wait a few more years before having a baby, if at all. Then one day I woke up and was already a mother. They're good kids, wonderful, and I love them with all my heart, but I don't think anyone understands what I'm going through.
Since my husband passed, younger one wets the bed, throws tantrums about everything, refuses to eat because I don't do "daddy's airplane," and the school calls constantly because he cries and asks for me all day.
The older one isn't much better. He's always been quiet, but now even more so. He hides around the house, cries silently, doesn't want to play, be read to, or sing. Sometimes he just follows and I carry him. I'm also dealing with triple the expenses on just my salary, therapy sessions, and extracurricular activities trying to make them feel alive again.
But main problem came with my sister, who had her second child a month ago. We had a wonderful time when I took my kids to meet him. It was one of the few moments I saw them genuinely happy. Last week, when the kids' grandparents came to stay for the weekend, I got a break and visited my sister. It was great until she brought up my husband.
She said his death made her and her husband think seriously about their children's future. They wanted to ensure their kids would be with someone stable and safe if anything happened to them. She wanted my permission to name me as their legal guardian.
I admit I laughed at first. But she was serious. She talked a lot about the amazing job I was doing with my kids, and to be honest, for me, that was like a mockery. I listened, then said no.
I told her, "I'm sorry, but I'm already dealing with too much. I don't wish you any harm, but I can't handle two more traumatized children, not tomorrow, not in a year, never again. I will NEVER take care of your children and i don't want to do it either way, so don't add my name to that".
She didn't take it well. She asked if I didn't love my nephews, then if I didn't love her. She reminded me we'd discussed this before, and I replied, "Yes, when my husband and I said we would take your child, TOGETHER."
I asked why not her husband's siblings, and she said she didn't trust them enough as they don't have children. When I suggested our younger sister, she dismissed it too because she "travels too much" and said I'm perfect, responsible and mature.
I said, "You've seen how hard it is to care for two traumatized children. Do you think it's easy for me?" Then she dropped the bomb. This was "different" because my nephews are my blood, while my stepchildren are not. I grabbed my things and left.
A week passed. I sent messages, called, no response. This morning she sent a short text saying she felt deeply hurt, needed space to figure out what to do if I wasn't willing to help her. She asked me not to call anymore. I feel guilty but also i feel like she don't understand my position. AITA here?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA i do think it was maybe still too soon for her to ask that and your reaction was justified. i respect you for trying to reach out and make amends but i do think she is the one who needs to apologize mainly because of the “it’s different because they’re blood.” your stepchildren might not have been your blood before but they are now and they’re going to forever be apart of your life.
it also shouldn’t matter if they are or aren’t your blood because they are HIS blood and i think she should’ve been more sensitive to that. you saying you didn’t want to be the legal guardian does not mean you love your nephews any less.
NTA. But to speak on your financial situation, if you live in the US, both your kids should get Social Security benefits from your deceased husband, until they turn 18. Which should be $2,000 to $3,000 a month depending on his income.
NTA. Four traumatized children would be far too many. I hope the social workers were able to connect your kids with a child therapist to help them, and you with social security survivor benefits for their care. Your sister will need to make other arrangements for her kids.
I don't think you're the AH. Maybe you could have said I can't because I am barely holding it together now. You have had your life turned inside out and upside down she should understand that you are going through a lot right now.
Also, can you get a social security check for the kids because their father passed away and you have to take care of them? I have heard of it and I think I read something about it in a comment here on Reddit. Don't forget about yourself. You sound like a good person stay strong.
I am so so sorry for your loss OP. Did it came out harsh? Sure. But what did they expect asking you to sign for guardianship of 2 more children when you are currently LIVING the situation that everyone usually thinks isn’t too much of a deal because “it’s just in case, it’s unlikely to happen!”??
You are grieving, those 2 little children are in a grief no one can understand, your sister has no empathy!! Does she even help you at all? All 3 of you are deeply traumatized and trying to adjust to the new reality. Hopefully time will give everyone time to reflect on the situation, she said she wants space, give it to her, she needs to think. Sending you loving vibes, you got this!!