'AITA for refusing to be my sister's 'backup' bridesmaid after she uninvited me the first time?' UPDATED
"AITA for refusing to be my sister's 'backup' bridesmaid after she uninvited me the first time?"
This is so stupid but here we are. My sister Leanne (32F) is getting married in like six weeks. I'm 28F. We've always had a weird relationship, not close but not like enemies either. Just kind of distant.
When she got engaged last year she asked me to be a bridesmaid. I said yes obviously. Bought the dress ($340), booked time off work, the whole thing. Two months ago she calls me and says actually she's cutting down the bridal party size because her fiancé's side only has three groomsmen and she originally had seven bridesmaids so it looks uneven in photos.
She's really apologetic about it, says she had to cut four people, I'm not the only one. I was honestly kind of relieved? The dress was ugly and I wasn't really excited about it anyway. I told her no worries, I'll just come as a guest, it's fine.
Now this week one of her remaining bridesmaids dropped out. Some family emergency in Poland, can't make the wedding. Leanne calls me asking if I'll step back in.
I said no. She's pissed. Says I'm being petty and that I should be happy to support her on her big day. I told her she already uninvited me once, I'm not gonna be someone's second choice backup option. She says the first time was about numbers and aesthetics, this is different.
My mum is on Leanne's side saying I should just do it because family. My dad hasn't said anything but I can tell he thinks I'm being difficult. Leanne is now saying I'm "ruining her wedding" because she can't find a replacement this close to the date.
The thing is I already changed my plans. I'm now bringing a plus-one (my boyfriend) who I wasn't gonna bring when I was in the bridal party. We booked a hotel for the night to make it a little weekend thing. And honestly I just don't want to deal with dress fittings and rehearsal dinners and all that stuff now. AITA?
The OP later added more.
I didn't mention this but I also already sold the bridesmaid dress on Facebook Marketplace. Got like $180 for it which helped because I was pretty annoyed about spending that much on something I'd wear once.
So even if I wanted to step back in I'd have to rebuy a dress and there's no guarantee I could even find the same one at this point. Part of me wonders if she only cut me in the first place because we're not that close and I was an easy one to drop. Like maybe the "numbers" thing was just an excuse.
But I don't know, maybe I'm reading into it. My boyfriend says I should just do it to avoid family drama but he doesn't get that it's not about the work, it's about feeling like a disposable backup plan.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
I gotta say this one is surprising since most people drop friends because of family connections in this situation. Accepting that though, what happened to the other 3 girls she dropped that she’s freaking out so hard?
When the first person on the cut list is your sibling then it’s not “just about the numbers”. Maybe offer to stand in if they pay for everything. You’re already at a net loss, have been excluded and are asked to be further inconvenienced. The least they can do is pay the expenses. Maybe I wouldn’t offer either. You’re justified either way. If they get ugly enough skip it entirely.
Personally…I’d just do it. But make her pay the dress. For the exact reasons you explained. The bf thing I understand, but you guys wil still have your weekend getaway, you just have to sit at the head table to eat but you can hang out and dance with him all night. Don’t get me wrong, your sister handled it badly but it truly is better for the long term relationship to just “give in”.
Yeah, after dinner no one's at the head table anyway. I agree, make her pay for anything over what you would pay just being a guest. If she doesn't like it remind her that her poor planning is not your emergency.
NTA. She literally uninvited you from the bridal party and now wants you back because it's convenient for her? That's not how this works. You already made new plans, sold the dress, adjusted your expectations. She doesn't get to just slot you back in like a spare part when someone else drops out.
Also "ruining her wedding" is such manipulative language. YOU'RE not ruining anything - her bridesmaid canceling is the issue, and that's not your fault or your problem to fix. Stand your ground. You're still going to the wedding as a guest which is already supportive. She can find another solution.
NTA without a doubt, did she think that you were going to sit and mope for 2 months…. She supposedly had to cut 4 people maybe one of the other 3 have been moping and holding on to the dress hoping she’d ask them back. You changed your plans you sold the dress you invited your boyfriend. It’s a her problem not you and I’d tell her as much.
NTA it’s still about numbers and aesthetics and quite frankly, she can get over it. Also, if you have the power to ruin the wedding then it’s not going to be much of a marriage. I went through the planning of my wedding knowing the end game was I would be married to my person. My go to answer for most things were, that’s fine, whatever, I don’t care. Because the only real thing I cared about was getting married.