'AITA if I refuse to be polite to my husband's family anymore?' UPDATED

"WIBTA for refusing to be polite to my husband's family anymore?"

About seven years ago I started dating the man who is now my husband. I met his family six months in and the first meeting was horrible. His parents were rude, his sisters were cruel as hell. Despite the coldness I maintained a pleasant a cheerful demeanor and tried to be as nice as I could. The relationships with his family never got better, and I gained more bullies when I met the rest of his family.

He's got a couple of aunts in particular who are really nasty towards me. I'm American and from a pretty normal family, dad's a laborer, mom's a teacher, we were never well-off. His family is English, from Devon, and they're well-off. They don't think I'm good enough.

We got engaged a year in and I had hoped it would help in the repair of things. A month before the wedding I moved to England and began the process of becoming an English citizen. I'm not religious but I agreed to become Church of England for him. We have been married about six and a half years and the relationship has only worsened. He knows how badly they treat me and has spoken on my behalf several times.

He once even cut his whole family off for me, for about a year. They managed to needle their way back in and things have remained sour. They blame me for the estrangement. Despite this, I remember my upbringing and the manners my parents instilled in me, and I remain civil and polite around them, which thankfully isn't often.

I just had our first children recently, twins. Through out the pregnancy remarks were made about my having got pregnant with the intent to divorce him and get a huge pay day. Remarks were also made about my weight, my family, my job, everything. Time does not always heal, and I'm still not good enough for them. I've reconciled this, but for the sake of my husband and our new babies, I'd never, say, curse at them or try to ruin their lives.

The christening came and the whole event was ruined by his mother. Our son in particular is a very fussy baby. MIL was filming on her cellphone and the baby happened to meltdown as she turned the camera on him and I. I took him away to calm him and she accused me of trying to keep the babies from her. She I wanted to poison the kids against them.

She also brought up the fact that I stay our bedroom whenever any of them come to visit the babies, letting my husband take charge of being host. Yes, hiding is childish and silly, but I'm dealing with postpartum emotions and I just can't handle being reminded that I'm still quite heavy, oh yes, and a low-class, baseborn slut who stole their family member.

WIBTA if I just refused to be the bigger person? You know, give it back to them? If one of the aunts calls me fat, I remark upon her abnormally large teeth, or if the other calls me a gold digger I remark on her many, many moles? Oh if his mother accuses me of poisoning the relationships bring up the fact that her son doesn't even like her? Or would all this just be too much?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

partyrockerdj said:

NTA but instead of going the route with name calling back at them. Take the route where you give them time out. For example, any rude comment they make is instantly the end of the visit and one week no contact. Whatever you see fit as a long enough estrangement period. Make sure your husband is on board too

OP responded:

That sounds like a decent enough plan. Fortunately right now we only see each once a month. We're in London, they're still in Devon, but they come down and stay at a hotel to see the kiddos. They seem to like the babies, so maybe I can appeal to their better nature by reminding them that we gatekeep the babies.

wanderingdev said:

Nta but the better solution is to just go no contact. You are not required to tolerate these people in your life. But really, you have a big husband problem. HE should not be tolerating this behavior and he need to shut it down or realize that he and only he will have any co tact with his family. Stop spending time with them. And that includes your children. If they can't respect you, they don't get to see you or your kids. Period. End of.

SantaPachaMama said:

NTA. My god, is your husband not helping you out here?

OP responded:

No no, he's spoken up many times, and like I say in the post, he cut them off No-Contact, for a straight year before allowing them in on a LC basis. Right now we only see them once a month but I try not to at all. He's fully in agreement that their treatment is shameful and speaks up for me whenever I need him.

alice-autumn said:

YWBTA if you stoop to their level. Two wrongs don’t make a right, and now you need to think about the example you’re setting for your children. Talk to your husband and see how he would prefer you handle these interactions

OP responded:

I would feel like sh!t if I stooped to their level, and I'd never want my kids to see me acting like that. My husband wants me to continue the way we've been doing but I feel worse and worse with every interaction. Then again, they'll complain about me regardless, so maybe just continuing to shut them out of my life while my husband still sees them is the best way to go.

[deleted] said:

Well, by definition, yes, so unfortunately ESH, but sometimes that's the necessary thing to do so wear that hat with pride!!!

Comment from OP:

I haven't done anything yet and based on the good advice I'm getting, I probably won't stoop to their level. I'll have another talk with my husband. If they refuse to change then I'm telling him I'm not letting our son and daughter around them.

She later shared this update:

Sorry for the lack of response from me, with two babies my time is really spent so I'll do a miniature update because there's nothing new to report. I showed my husband this post and let him read some of the comments. He realizes that his current course of action obviously isn't working and he's willing and ready to do what he needs to do.

His parents are due their visit at the start of October and he's going to have a very frank conversation with them that if he doesn't see a change, a real effort, to treat me with a little respect, that they can come to London as often as they want but they will not be seeing us or him at all. He said it would hurt him to cut them off but he will not hesitate to do so.

Then he sort of broke down and apologized for having gone through this for as long as I have. I've never blamed him for any of this. So, hopefully, next month, I'll have an update for you guys. Thanks everyone for the amazing response and advice!