'AITA for refusing to be a SAHM anymore? My husband claims I'm being 'stuck up.'' UPDATED

"We had an agreement but now my husband thinks I am the AH?"

It’s just been a bad day. I fought with my husband his whole lunch break about this. I became a SAHM 2 years ago. I told him from the start I am not going to be SAHM if we aren’t “comfortable."

As in I can get the kids different season outfits when it comes time, buy whatever cleaning supplies I want and buy the kid random things they want without stressing. I also told him I still was going to dye my hair every 2 months, spray tan once a month, the shampoo that does best with my hair, and my 30 dollar mascara.

He thinks I’m too stuck up and I “don’t need to do any of that”. I told him if it ever came to where I was having to give up these things that make me feel like a real person and not just wife/mom then I was going back to work no matter what.

Well he did okay for the first year and half. The company he worked for layed off half their employees and husband was 1 of them. Not his fault at all. He got a different job soon after making 20 dollars less an hour. So for the last 6 months I have been more frugal with everything, grocery shopping, going to goodwill for kids clothes, the kids don’t really notice a difference and are still happy as can be.

I on the other hand who has really taken care of myself my whole life and got the things I want to feel like myself now have put it all on the back burner. Sometimes I have to go weeks between shaving till I can get a new pack of razors. So it’s not even the “bougie” things like my spray tan, mascara, and hair dye I’m doing without. It’s the most basic things! Razors, I used baby soap for my shampoo this morning.

I told him last night I was getting a job at the old company I used to work for. He flipped out and said why can’t I just do without and “ride this out”. I’m sorry but riding it out for how long? He doesn’t know. I explained to him me and the kids are stuck in the house 24/7 because we don’t even have gas money to go out to the park or library most weeks.

And the only thing that made me feel like a real person (taking care of myself) I can’t do because we can’t afford it. I can no longer run to the grocery store and buy my son a 5 dollar toy without stressing if I’m taking away from our budget.

I reminded him of our deal and he still feels I’m just being a stuck up b word for not just riding this out. He claims it’s all good because he grew up poor and it made him cherish things more. Which yeah maybe but I don’t want my children growing up poor if I’m completely capable myself to change things?

Which easily these things may sound high maintenance- but the thing is I’ve always been this way, I never tried to hide it. He agreed to these conditions when this first started but now I’m stuck up for complaining and I’m “too high maintenance” . Give it to me straight be mean if you have to. Should I just give up this part of myself and “ride this out”?

What do you think? AITA if she refuses to just "ride this out"? This is what top commenters had to say:

TaylorMade2566 said:

If your kids are in school for most of the day, I don't see the big deal of going back to work. Could be your job would even let you WFH or be hybrid so you're at home when they get there. I hope you're being hyperbolic when you say he's calling you a stuck up b-word. Name calling is NEVER ok

FishermanLeft1546 said:

NTA. Being a SAHM is so risky anyway, what if he died or became disabled in 10 years and you’ve got no work history or experience?? If he can feed you, he can also starve you. What’s he got against your working anyway? He should welcome the extra income and how it makes you feel better to maintain a certain level of self-care.

TA122278 said:

You are NTA. If you were complaining that he needed to get a better job or a second job to maintain your lifestyle I could maybe see it. But you told him this is what would happen, he agreed and now he’s going back on it bc it’s easier on his ego to make you the bad guy. Just make sure your childcare costs don’t completely offset your income.

And RB_Kehlani said:

NTA — get that job because you’ll need it for when you divorce this idiot

Five days later, she shared this update:

Posted the other day about mine and my husband’s agreement that he was trying to go back on. He doesn’t want me to go back to work. But what he told me this weekend really just opened my eyes that he never saw me as his equal.

I was trying to have a discussion on why it would be best for our family if o went back to work. Even part time evening so we don’t have to pay for childcare. He still is livid I’m bringing it up.

He told me after all he’s done for us the past 2 years he can’t believe I’m just giving up this easily and that I want to go to work. He said he wants me to be there when he’s off work and on his weekend. He doesn’t want to deal with the kids on his own time. So I should just “ride it out” indefinitely.

I told him this definitely wasn’t going to work for me. I told him after these past 6 months of being frugal and scraping by I’m DONE. I told him this was the agreement we had.

I also told him thank you for letting me know he thought so little of my role as SAHM. I said I was under the impression that I did a lot for the family same as HE did a lot for the family. We just had different roles but both contributed equally and sacrificed equally. I told him in all honesty he would have never found a childcare provider that would allow the hours he worked.

(He worked 12 hour shifts 2 days a week, or 5 times a week depending which week. He also switched from nights to days every two weeks) . The only way he could have taken this position is me Quiting my job to hold down the house and kids 24/7.

He tried to go back on what he said but it was too late. After screaming at me about how hard he worked and everything he did for our family he never said a word about what kind of sacrifice I made so he could have that position. My career, my 401K, social security, and my own freedom.

I just said I’ll never regret the 2 years I got to be home with my babies to raise them. I will always be thankful for the opportunity and our teamwork to make it happen. But I will no longer be a SAHM for him because at this point it feels like a control/ego thing for him and I want to make sure that myself and our kids are always taken care of no matter what.

And I don’t want to get 5 years down the road and be completely under his thumb because he’s showed me I can’t trust him and he would fight me and do everything in his power to keep me from going to work. Luckily my old supervisor already has a position for me to take over on the night shift/or evening shift. So they are willing to be flexible and allow me to do part time or full time work.

Commenters weighed in:

Lula_Lane_176 said:

He wants you there when he gets home and on weekends when he's home so he is not responsible for child care on his own. But he sure expects you to do it all 24/7. He also doesn't want you pulling a paycheck because then you are competing with him and he no longer has "the say" on how money is spent. Men like this suck. These are some of the reasons I REFUSED to be a SAHM to my kids.

I spent the first 1 year with them and then it was back to work. I want my own money and I'm not asking permission for my spending either (within reason of course).

Good for you putting your foot down. I hope you outearn him. And don't forget to make him split housework/chores, etc. 50/50 once you go back to work too, it's only fair! That would be chef's kiss!!!!

Rough_Commercial4240 said:

He is not supportive at all and the comment about needing you there after work and weekends because he doesn’t want to deal with his own children. Honey you are a housekeeper and nanny “bang maid”

I’m sure once you start working he will continue to throw 🔧 in your plans possibly ignore the children and blow up your phone just enough just to get so overwhelmed you quit or worse fired. He doesn’t care about you or your success only what you can do for him and once you stop being useful or get sick he will dump the kids on another realtive

And OP responded:

Yes that’s definitely what it feels like! When I was happy to be home caring for the children he did make me feel like an equal and thank me for everything I did. But now since I’m not just shutting up and being quiet for him it’s definitely showing!

The comment about caring for our children made me sick to my stomach. He loves playing with the kids but he hasn’t had to do the dirty work in about 2 years and I’m worried how it would look like. I did tell him with me going back to work childcare/ house work would go back to 50/50 and if he can’t pull his load I won’t be sticking around and taking care of an extra child on my time off.