'AITA for not bringing my wife to work/social events because she keeps talking about her late child?'
"AITA for Refusing to Let My Wife Attend Parties with Me Because She Talks About Her Late Child?"
My wife and I are in our early 30’s and have been married for 4 years. When she was 18, she got pregnant with her HS ex and decided to keep the baby. It was tragic that her baby passed 10 days after birth due to breathing problems. I help organize private memorials for her baby every year and support her.
She still craves motherhood and we haven’t been able to have children of our own as her doctor determined she has scar tissue. It’s heartbreaking for both of us that we cannot experience being parents. (Please refrain from telling us to adopt, as the topic discussion has nothing to do with it)
The society we live in can be a little nosey and in various social events people can ask couples if they have kids/planning for them. My wife will always answer that she used to be a mom in her teens but her baby died. Immediately, everyone is put off and avoids us. It’s obvious. Usually the question would be something like: “Do you two have kids?”
And it’s palpably clear what they mean to ask us. She doesn’t have to talk about her late baby because people aren’t asking if she was a parent, they are rather interested in knowing that whether WE, as a couple, have children together. the question could be answered with outstanding simplicity of the truth and respect for the scope of the question asked, which is “no, we don’t have kids together."
I tried to approach this subject delicately but she is insistent on embracing her trauma and sharing her story. And how she never intends that her child is forgotten. However, after the first few times, her behaviour still continued.
This made me decide I no longer want her to join me at parties and social events and thus, stopped taking her and which she knew . I told her she can’t force me to take her to events that only I am invited to.
I am prepared to be ripped to shreds for saying this, but I find her behavior annoying and embarrassing. Her talking about her late child is inappropriate and tasteless for a work/social event.
She confronted me today about how she feels disrespected as a wife as I’m refusing to let her join me to parties, so I finally shared my thoughts and told her that her behavior could be perceived as attention-seeking, and her discussing her passed away child is completely unnecessary. Unless she changes her behavior I’m not going to let her come with me.
She did not take that well and started sobbing uncontrollably. She told me she’d rather experience the embarrassment than the trauma that comes with losing a child. She sarcastically told me she’s sorry that her world altering tragedy makes my life inconvenient.
I told her that there is no debate about it, her tragedy is indeed very real but this isn’t a competition of who has it worse. I am mainly interested in social etiquette and propriety. There is a time and place for everything, personal tragedies included. She simply went quite as she had no answer to what I just said.
She is in therapy and is working through things so please refrain from suggesting that. I am mainly in knowing who the asshole in the situation is. I see her biting remarks as a way to diminish my point of view and opinion in this situation. She can keep her private trials and tribulations to herself and not expect the world to be interested in listening in every time.
What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:
[deleted] said:
My sister lost a teenage child 20 years ago. When people ask her about children, she says that she has three, one of whom is deceased. She feels (and I agree) that to do otherwise would be erasing his existence. She quickly follows up that comment with a question of some sort of relevance to them so it fills any awkward pause.
narikov said:
I always say, don't ask couples about kids. Couples could be breaking up, divorcing, infertile, trying everything but just not able to get pregnant, financially unstable, the list goes on. Don't. Ask. About. Kids.
If people in a social settings are going to ask intrusive questions they deserve the intrusive answer. Especially if there was trauma and you keep getting asked the same thing over and over. You're bound to eventually just go with the truth instead of a 1000 polite excuses.
Agitated-Rooster2983 said:
Can you please be specific about what she says? We’re accepting the term “trauma dumping” without question.
mashapicchu said:
Trauma dumping, especially at a spouse's work event, is uncouth and inappropriate.
[deleted] said:
I'm going with NTA. As you said there is a time and place to share deeply personal things and social gatherings with either people you don't know or casual acquaintances isn't a place to trauma dump. Everyone has their own trauma to deal with. FYI, the uncontrolled sobbing is highly manipulative. It's how people flip the script and take control of things. Everything has to be about their sobbing.
OP responded:
Well, you can place a respectful boundary around it to stop any discussions about any subject that you may feel uncomfortable talking about. I suggested my wife to simply say:
“It’s just not something I feel comfortable discussing this but thank you for asking”
“It’s just my partner and me at the moment”
But she didn’t listen to me.
ifan2218 said:
Trauma dumping at a party, why? “She told me she’d rather experience the embarrassment….” Umm what? Does going to social events and NOT talking about it cause additional trauma?
And OP responded:
She said that as if the two feelings are isolated experiences, which I find to be frankly absurd.
We'll keep you posted on any future updates!