'AITA for refusing to bring the turkey to someone else’s Thanksgiving?'
"AITA for refusing to bring the turkey to someone else’s Thanksgiving?"
My extended family and friends have a long-standing tradition where we split up hosting holiday events. My spouse and I have Christmas, one set of friends has Easter, another set has Thanksgiving, and so on.
This year, the Thanksgiving people started seeming like they didn’t really want to do it, and I say that because they asked a few other people in the group if they wanted it (everyone said no).
Cut to a few days ago, in the friends/family group chat. The Thanksgiving people started planning out who was bringing what food (because, of course, it’s a potluck), and they assigned themselves “vegan turkey, asparagus, and pie.”
Side note: they are only “vegans” for health and convenience reasons, and only when it suits them, like when they don’t like the food being served, or in this case, because “vegan turkey” is something they can get at Whole Foods that isn’t hard to make or clean up.
They know no one will eat vegan turkey but them. The pie will not be vegan. This seems like a clear “we don’t want to host Thanksgiving” sign to me. ANYHOW, we all signed up for our respective dishes, then the host asked if my spouse and I would want to “bring the turkey.”
There was a long awkward pause with no replies, then I replied that we could not, but that we would bring another appetizer if that would help. No reply, and now it seems like the host is mad.
I am honestly so tempted to just reply into the group text "It is customary for the host of Thanksgiving to make the turkey" or to ask her if she'd rather everyone just do their own thing this year,but it seems like she is intent on making me the asshole who won't bring the turkey. Seriously. What is going on here? Am I at fault?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Speaking as a Brit who only knows about Thanksgiving from TV and Movies, NTA. Even I know that the turkey is the centrepiece of the meal, and likely to be the most expensive element and should therefore be the responsibility of the host.
NTA. You’re hosting Christmas so why are they asking you? Sounds annoying like they could’ve let everyone know one months earlier they didn’t want to do Thanksgiving. Seems like they want to be apart of the group without actually having responsibilities. They seem rude and I would call them out in the group chat.
If I do that, then I will definitely look like the a%$#ole. That’s why I’m asking on here. Haha
No one said it had to be cooked or even dead, you could have some fun with this....."Well the Turkey is called Sid & he's 100% vegan, no where does he sit?"
By this logic, bring a bottle of Wild Turkey. Seems like the best way to survive this fiasco.
Hahahahaha, best answer! Let me clarify— they don’t want me to bring a vegan turkey. They are doing that. They want me to cook a whole-ass turkey for 10 people and bring it to their house. I was considering an ice cream turkey.
ESH. You don't get to criticize the host on what they're providing. They're vegan and are providing vegan foods, this shouldn't even be a surprise. That's like complaining vegans didn't provide steaks at a BBQ.
On the flip side, you're free to not attend or just eat what's there. This is the reason I do my own Thanksgiving with people being invited if they want. I keep full control of the menu and I don't have to worry about anyone else flaking.
They’re not vegan. They eat vegan food when they feel like it.
Why not bring a roasted turkey breast? You can buy them pre-marinated, it's less work that putting together a casserole, and not much more expensive.
Good idea!
Stop reading so much into it. First, you're right that traditionally the host supplies that. Second, you politely turned it down and offered to bring something else--so who cares if they haven't responded? They were being a little tacky, they can be quiet about that all they want. NTA But stop agonizing over what they're thinking atm.
Ha! Thank you!
If she doesn't want to make it, just order one from the local grocery store - voila turkey!
She should do that!
Aside from the very entertaining jokes, is there a chance the usual hosts are having some financial issues or something that are affecting their ability to host?
Perhaps, as someone said, a taco bar or some other meal that could be financially divided more equally might be a reasonable suggestion. If the turkey truly is something they can’t provide, perhaps you and another guest could split the cost. Good luck! UpdateMe
They are not having financial issues of any kind. In fact, they became multi-millionaires a few years ago and are always buying fancy new cars and taking super expensive vacations.
Have you checked in with this person? It sounds like they really don't want to host for any number of possible reasons. Finances? Poor health? Job stresses? Marriage difficulties? If they usually happily host every year, and don't want to this year, there's likely more going on.
They are fine. They recently became multi-millionaires. They don’t “happily host” every year. They put minimal effort into everything they host, and now it’s getting worse.
It doesn't matter WHY they are vegans. Expecting the vegan family to supply the Thanksgiving turkey is ridiculous. You're not the AH for not wanting to bring the turkey, but if there's no turkey, I hope you all like Tofurky!
They are not vegans. They occasionally eat vegan for health/ convenience reasons. They asked me to cook a whole turkey because they just don’t want to do it.
Here's what I'd do. Abandon all your other food responsibilities and agree to make the turkey and only the turkey. Turkey is usually super cheap the week before the event. Cook the turkey in the morning or early afternoon depending on when you want to eat.
When the turkey is cooked, put it in a cooler without ice of course. The cooler becomes a hot box. The turkey can rest safely in there for transport and will stay hot for 3 to 4 hours. Easiest thing ever. I'm a chef and have used this method many times.
The question is— should I be cooking a turkey for someone else’s Thanksgiving?
Good point. But sometimes I ask myself if I want to be happy or do I want to be right. For me, cooking the turkey and nothing else would be easier than all the other stuff and the path of least resistance. Win-win. Unless the "host" wants OP to bring all that other stuff too. I would say one or the other, which would you prefer 🤷♀️
NTA. Just let it simmer until they break down and ask someone else so that there's no denying their intention to anyone reasonable. Or they don't break down and everyone gets to eat vegan turkey while you start playing 20 questions about what vegan actually means and start pointing out everything else they made that's not vegan.
They will absolutely just not do anything else. If I don’t do it, everyone eats vegan turkey.