'AITA for refusing to buy my son a car after he tormented a kid in his private school about his dad being the janitor?'
"AITA for refusing to buy my son a car after he tormented a kid in his private school about his dad being the janitor?"
Let me give some context. I own a construction company which is moderately successful on my side of the city. So, I'm decently well off. Due to that, my son has had the privilege to be sent to a private school in a better part of the city.
But the downside is that being surrounded by kids who's fathers own skyscrapers is giving him higher expectations. In his junior year, he joined this obnoxious friend group that always wear designer everything and are really spoilt. One of these kids even drives an Aston Martin.
A couple of months into his senior year, he's still in the same friend group with the same friends, (at least they're loyal lol) and one day one of the kids called Brandon (not his real name for obvious reasons) and kept bugging him as to why he didn't have a "proper" car. At this time he drove a 2016 Toyota RAV4 which ain't even that bad but compared to this kids Lexus it wasn't the flashiest.
So two days later he asks to speak to me in private away from his mother and little brother. I went downstairs to the couch and he asked me if I could buy him a new car. I was expecting him to say like an Audi or something small.
But no, this boy proceeded to show me a black BMW convertible. I asked him how much it was. He said $80K. $80K?? Boy you must be crazy cause I ain't buying you an 80 grand car when you're 17☠️.
Now I wouldn't have considered it anyway, but the fact that his principal called me the day before about an incident with his classmate makes it a definite no no. He had bullied this kid named Austin for a couple months because his dad worked as the school janitor and worked overtime to keep him in the school district.
He made fun of Austin's clothes and other things which sent me into a fury when I heard about it. But we're talking about the same boy who apologized to furniture when he was 11.
I was a bit skeptical. So, after he asked me, I asked him about the allegations with Austin, and this boy either inherited my brain cells or he's just a full on idiot because he confirmed the whole thing. His exact words were, "that charity case needs to know he's in the wrong crowd".
I did not raise this kid to be a bully so I instantly grounded him and made him write an apology letter to Austin and made him send it. Oh you thought I was done boy? Oh hell no. I scheduled a meeting with Austin's dad and the principal.
Austin and my son were also there. I must have counted to 100 by the amount of times I apologized. But I knew my sweet boy wasn't the issue, it's that damn group of incompetent idiots he calls his friends.
They are just pinning the blame on my boy, and he's so desperate for popularity he takes it. Though, I am pissed off at the whole situation. So my son isn't getting his phone or Xbox anytime soon, and definitely not a convertible. I'll post an update if there's anything new but probably not since it's a private matter and I just need to blow off some steam.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA for refusing to buy a car, but you’re definitely the AH for making excuses for your son. This isn’t peer pressure that’s making your son do this. He’s showing a pattern of materialistic behavior and pure snobbery. He did all of this on his own without the help of anybody else in his group.
This is who your son is and you’re going to have to accept it because he’s not gonna get the help he needs unless you are realistic about the problem. You said you met with the janitor and the victim and you apologized 100 times; did your son say anything or apologize or was it just you? When you confronted your son, he double down and entitled to call other people out. Is your son named Veruca Salt?
Your son's entitled, bullying behavior is unacceptable, especially tormenting someone for their parent's honest work. Refusing the car and imposing consequences is the right move. Focus on teaching him empathy, not rewarding his elitism.
Your “sweet boy” is definitely the issue.
NTA at all. Actions have consequences. He needed that wake-up call more than a fancy car. You did the right thing, 100%.
NTA, not even close. But what I will say is yes, your precious boy who couldn’t be responsible for this is responsible for his own actions. He knew what he was doing. Let’s not pretend it’s his friends.
Is he in the wrong crowd? Absolutely. Are his friends rubbing off on him? Definitely. Is your son being peer pressured? Heck no.
Hold him accountable for his actions.
You did all the right things. Except blaming his friend group. They were HIS actions. Don't blame them on others!
NTA but don't pin it on his friends. 17 years old & doesn't have a backbone? He would have to put the work in & buy his own secondhand car. & If you hear another word of bullying, he can pay his own phone bill too.
NTA - OP - guilt by association! Your son hung with this group for 2 years and had no problem admitting (somewhat proudly by how I read your post) to your face his awful behaviour. Sounds like he could be the leader of the group. Either way your son needs to take responsibility for his part. Good for you for grounding him, his behaviour could have destroyed a life.
Stop making excuses for your son. Your “sweet boy” is just as much of a problem as his friends and he quite literally admitted it to you. You wildly contradict yourself multiple times here.
Your child is responsible for his own behavior, regardless if he has chosen to align himself with the bully group of kids. I'd only be buying him thrifted clothes for the remainder of high school. If he wants designer, he can get a job and pay for it himself.
OneYard7870 (OP)
Best idea, thanks.