'AITA for refusing to change my daughter's therapist when my wife aka her stepmom wants us to?'
"AITA for refusing to change my daughter's therapist when my wife aka her stepmom wants us to?"
Leading-Honeydew-936
I (37m) have a 10 year old daughter called Wren. She's my only child with my late wife Sarah. Sarah died on Wren's 5th birthday. Cancer. Three years ago I met my current wife Lindsay (35f) and we got married just under a year ago and our daughter together is a few weeks old.
Overall Wren and Lindsay get along well. She calls Lindsay "Bug" which is a nickname Lindsay's grandparents use for her. Wren thinks it's funny. Wren struggled with the loss of her mom and very initially with me meeting someone.
Her original therapist she was seeing for grief retired and it took forever to find another therapist who could help her grieve and adjust to the changes in her life. I admit I was delayed in getting her help to begin with.
It was over a year after Sarah died that Wren started therapy. I went through many therapists after the original one retired until Wren liked, would open up to and was comfortable with another one.
Therapy has helped. She doesn't go as frequently. But she still attends. Lindsay believes Wren needs to see a new therapist. Because Wren calls our daughter together a half sister.
She doesn't call her just a sister. But half is used all the time. Lindsay's parents questioned where she learned half from and I told them at school and I hear a couple of Wren's friends mention step and half siblings.
Lindsay doesn't like that Wren doesn't just say sister. I told her it's not a big deal. The family therapist we saw for about 11 months also said it was normal and to let her decide if she drops the half in time.
But Lindsay believes this is a sign she needs more help, to process the fact that our daughter is not less of a sister and to help her realize saying half others her sister and might hurt her sisters feelings.
I argued that our daughter will grow up hearing about step and half siblings in school and won't be unnatural. She said just because others do it doesn't mean we should be okay with it and she asked what the harm is in finding a new therapist.
I said the fact Wren has met with all of them local to us before we found another the very last time. I said the fact Wren has a therapist she is still working with and has helped her. I told her I also don't want to change therapist just to make her say sister instead of half sister.
Lindsay said if I respected her opinion as an equal parent and decision maker in Wren's life, I would agree to try this for our family's sake. Because clearly Wren has some issues with her sister.
While she said this Wren was watching her sister sleep and smiling at her. Wren chose a special photo of her and her sister for her bedroom wall. She still loves her. But she knows they have different mom's and thinks half makes sense for that. Lindsay said she doesn't feel equal and even though she let the topic drop, I can tell she feels dismissed. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
tinyd71
You'll have to keep changing therapists until you find one who agrees to do as your wife wants, and make your daughter call her half sister her sister, with no qualifier. A therapist will work with Wren, not your wife, and take their lead from Wren. It's not a programming experience, as I'm sure you know! Your wife's upset, concerns, reactions etc. are about her, not Wren. NTA.
The OP responded here:
Leading-Honeydew-936
I do! One thing I was told by a few of the therapists is therapy is not to give the parent what they want, but to help the child. It isn't always about what the child wants either but what they need. But that the child's welfare and benefit comes first in kids therapy and I think that's needed.
Suzdg
Not to be snarky, but it might be helpful for your wife to speak to a therapist about why, amid all other indications of sibling affection, she is choosing to focus on this one point. It is factually correct that they are half siblings. That will never change.
Maybe show your wife some of the MANY posts on this sub from children of blended families who grew to hate step parents and half siblings who insisted on forcing this point. NTA.
cascadia1979
NTA. Lindsay’s request is totally inappropriate and quite unacceptable. She is an asshole for wanting to essentially force Wren to call your daughter a sister not a half sister.
You can’t force these things, especially with young kids, especially one who has lost a mother and is now in a new family setting. Wren seems to be doing really well with all of this and clearly cares about your daughter. It sounds like Lindsay needs some therapy.
But you also need to draw a very firm line with Lindsay that this request is way out of line and that it is wrong of her to make this a test of whether you see her as an equal. She’s trying to manipulate you here and you can’t let her think it’s acceptable.
The OP again responded here:
Leading-Honeydew-936
There were some moments during the pregnancy, where Wren was upset about the baby. She talked to me and her therapist and eventually she mentioned it in family therapy too.
It made her wish she could have her mom and we could be a family and her half sibling could be a sibling from her mom and me. But she also came around and that was because she was loved and reassured that it was okay to feel some mixed things or sad things, because it is sad her mom isn't here.
I also reminded her that I miss her mom every day too. And Lindsay reassured her that she loves and loves that she has someone else to call her Bug now. I feel like the half is what helped Wren through that.
I'm glad because I think she's such a wonderful older sister. I know there might always be some mixed emotions for her though and I know those can get worse if pushed too hard.
CuteDarkBird
Changing therapist because Lindsay wants you to can HARM Wren's progress.
The best you can do is refer to both as your daughters, and have Lindsay do the same (not saying step-daughter) and hope Wren in the end follows along.
As someone who's needed therapy and HAD my therapist changed against my wishes: it sucks, I quit therapy and often think I'd be better off if I never met my biological family ever again once I get away. NTA, Your wife thou, needs to understand it's not something that can be forced, and if she tries, she'd be the AH.