'WIBTA for refusing to clean the guest room when my husband invited his mom over?'
"WIBTAH for refusing to clean the guest room when my husband invited his mom over?"
My (27M) husband (27M) and I have been together for over 8 years. To say he’s a workaholic is an understatement. He’s currently a postdoc at a university and typically works 10-12 hours a day during the week and also goes in on weekends for another 4-8 hours. He’s been like this since we met in undergrad.
I’ve always been proud of him, but his schedule means almost all of the housework falls on me. I work full time too, but I still do basically 100% of the chores: cleaning, laundry, yard work, car maintenance, groceries, cooking, walking the dog, etc.
I’ve asked him in the past if he’d consider working a little less, since he says none of his colleagues work as many hours. Whenever I bring it up, he gets defensive and says I don’t understand how hard he has to work, so I usually drop it.
I’ve also tried asking him to help with specific chores, but honestly it often feels like it backfires. For example, if I ask him to clean the kitchen after I cook, he’ll put dishes away in the wrong places, load only half the dirty dishes into the dishwasher, wipe the counters with a wet paper towel, and leave the floor unswept. I end up having to redo it afterward.
The one chore I thought was foolproof was putting the trash on the curb. Trash day is the same day every week. I remind him multiple times and he still only does it about half the time.
I suggested putting it on his phone calendar and he got offended. He said he’d just set an alarm in the morning, but then he doesn’t. The only thing that works is reminding him as he’s leaving the house, but lately it feels like he intentionally leaves when I’m in the restroom so I can’t ask.
At this point I’m starting to feel like he works so much partly to avoid doing anything at home. His mom has even told me that growing up he was always so focused on school that he never really helped with chores either. Now here’s the current issue.
His mom is coming to visit this weekend. He loves inviting people to stay with us, but usually he’s gone working until they arrive, which means I’m the one who ends up cleaning the entire house beforehand because I worry about being judged.
Since he invited her, I asked him earlier this week if he could at least clean the guest room and guest bathroom (which he’s the only one who uses when we don’t have guests). I also asked if he could handle the living room so my workload would be a little lighter.
I asked early in the week and reminded him every day. He kept saying he’d do it later. On Friday morning he promised he would clean it that evening. He didn’t.
The next morning he apologized and said he “had to” go into the office. It’s spring break and no one else is there, but now I’m once again expected to clean the guest room and bathroom myself before his mom arrives. At this point I’m seriously considering just leaving it as-is and letting him deal with the consequences.
WIBTAH if I refuse to clean it this time? I’m honestly just tired of constantly being promised help and then never getting it. It’s starting to feel like weaponized incompetence.
Edit: sorry not entirely sure how edits/updates work but here goes. Thank you all for the support and advice!
I decided not to clean the room and restroom in order to focus on the rest of the house. When his mom arrived I apologized about the mess when I took her to the guest room and let her know my husband was supposed to clean it. She didn’t really mind and was understanding of the situation. She raised him after all!
To clear some stuff up- we’re both guys. Easy to miss that part lol. He’s definitely not cheating or anything like that. We share locations and he’s always at the office. Plus his colleagues always mention how much time he spends working so I’m confident it’s nothing like that.
I feel kinda bad about everyone ragging on him in the replies because I really do love him but just needed to let out my frustration about the housework.
I threw out the weaponized incompetence thing but it could just be regular old incompetence when it comes to things outside his field. His love language is words of affirmation while mine is acts of service so he gets incredibly sad when I tell him how to properly do things rather than appreciating his effort.
I’ve stopped trying to correct his “methods”because he goes back to doing things his way (low effort or completing half of the task) every time and it always leads to both of us being upset. On some level he knows how bad he is at housework so he just focuses on things he’s really good at.
That being said I think you guys had a great idea with getting outside help. I’m going to split up the chores more equitably and have him pay for a maid and landscaping for his portion. Hopefully this will lead to having more time together
Let's hear what commenters had to say.
NTAH. If he is inviting guests to stay in your shared home, he should be helping to host them. It sounds intentional because it is. Either there is something going on at work that he is hiding from you, or he uses work to avoid household tasks.
He is using work as a substitute for being a present partner. If he doesn’t want to participate then OP should hire out some of the responsibilities. One thing to be supportive but this is grossly unfair. Hire a cleaner and order groceries online.
MyTraumaDumpy OP:
Thanks, I think you’re 100% correct. He’s using working extra long hours (no overtime btw) as a way to show he’s working just as hard as me doing all the house work. I think hiring some help is the best way to get him to work less and ease my load.
He has a total heavy duty job but he's too incompetent to do simple chores? He's playing you.
Don't clean it and if anything is said just tell him Mum the truth he was supposed to clean it. He is using weaponized incompetence to force you to do all of the chores.
NTA. These issues are deal breakers for me. Past experience shows it only gets worse, not better. I’d make a point of not being home when MIL arrives. Let him explain his lack of effort.