'AITA for refusing to come clean, ruining my ex-husband's relationship?'
"AITA for refusing to come clean, ruining my ex-husband's relationship?"
I (42f) divorced my ex-husband "Chad" (42m) for cheating with his current wife "Rebecca" (30f) a few years back. I'll spare the details but basically something Chad did set off alarm bells so I did some snooping and discovered a paper trail that led me to Rebecca.
I was furious and hurt but instead of confronting him about it then, I waited and collected evidence. I found Rebecca on social media and joined one of the online clubs she was in. We had the same interests so it wouldn't be that be of a red flag if either Chad or Rebecca found out and I just played it cool.
I waited until after our youngest was in school so I could get a part-time job and got Chad to pay for my certification so I could get a better job. During this time he would go on trips, book hotels, buy gifts, etc. with a "secret" account that I was able to access because I know Chad well enough to guess his passwords and that he only sets his alerts when someone tries to use it.
After I had moved certain things out of the house without his knowledge and convinced him to take his name off of my car, I handed him the divorce papers of the hotel lobby he was in waiting for Rebecca.
I had tons of pictures of them together but only showed three of them when he tried to deny and two more to his family when he tried to send them after me. Chad was up for a big promotion so I told him that we could either get this divorce over with or I could kick up a fuss which would make his employers reconsider his position.
After I made it clear that I didn't want any alimony and that he could keep his retirement we went our separate ways. Shortly after that Rebecca got pregnant and they got married and she aggravates to no end, but since my kids never complained I was willing to just suck it up.
Then recently, Rebecca decided to get a little arrogant and publicly criticized my parenting because my child didn't do so well at the end of the school year and how she'd raise her child to be "smart".
In the heat of the moment (along with some built up anger) I lied and said it wasn't very smart of her to tip off the wife that she was the AP. Chad wasn't there, but his mom and sister were and he called me that night to ask about it.
He always wondered how I found out and instead of telling the truth I said that Rebecca was the one who tipped me off with the photos and told me when/where they'd be. And for some strange reason Chad asked me to keep our kids for the whole summer which I was willing to do in exchange for getting them on Christmas.
I heard a few weeks later that Chad and Rebecca didn't have a very good summer. Rebecca has been messaging constantly about this but if it doesn't have anything to do with my kids I, SILENT MODE.
I was talking to my brother about this and he thinks that while it's understandable WHY I lied that it was still wrong, but since I don't care about Rebecca or Chad I have to ask AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Top_Put1541
Rebecca is fine with people lying. She cheerfully spread her legs for a man who was lying to another woman about their family life, so obviously she gets off on dishonesty.
Since Rebecca loves it when people lie, she has nothing to complain about now. In fact, you’re to be applauded for giving her life a much-needed, missing zing around lies in a relationship. NTA.
LailaBlack
I'm reminded of the post where the ex called a guy to her home during the time when the affair partner turned wife was in labour, and then sent the CCTV cam footage of him entering her place to his wife asking whether he changed his clothes before holding his kid. Needless to say, everything exploded.
RaspberryPlus6016
NTA.
Slay queen 👑 you ate that ✨️
afreerideeveryday
NTA they cheated so of course they don't trust each other. She not only got with a married man but is also criticizing you not fair.
WinterFront1431
Ha, look at your ex acting butt hurt. How dare he's now wife and mother of his child lie and deceive him. Don't let him use this as a window in. Keep him at arms length. Anyway, not the AH. She got what she deserved.
crazymastiff
ESH but damn, I applaud you.
Watson424242
Seriously. Who cares if it is wrong…it’s perfect. Honestly, I’d double down and respond to her texts: “What’s going on? Do you regret telling me about the affair and where you guys would be? I thought you were trying to do the right thing by confessing about the affair to me.”
BluebellIsabelle
NTA. Your ex and Rebecca chose to live in a glass house by building their relationship on the shaky grounds of dishonesty. It's ironic she would choose to throw stones about your parenting when their entire foundation is translucent. You calmly handed them the reflection of their actions, and it's not your fault it's an uncomfortable view.
MarigoldRobinn
NTA. The audacity for her to criticize your parenting is laughable, considering the questionable moral compass she's navigating with. It seems her and your ex prefer a life littered with deceit, so a taste of their own medicine should hardly come as a shock.
Your priority is clearly your children's well-being, and if standing up for them means you have to engage in a bit of verbal judo, then so be it. Sticking to honesty is important, but sometimes a strategic move to protect your kids from negativity is understandable. Keep your head high parental wisdom isn't taught, it's earned through battles just like these.
with a "secret" account. Secret account, eh?? After I had moved certain things out of the house. Certain things, eh?? Any chance shes having twins?? Or YOUR kids are twins???
He had a credit card that I didn't initially know about but discovered. I moved out important documents and mostly sentimental items that I wanted to keep after the divorce. As far as I know she's only have one baby and I don't have twins. I have two kids that are two years apart in age.
So no retirement fund for you, no alimony, he gets rid of you, and they had a bad summer. That's your revenge? I'm missing something.
We weren't even married for 10 years and were middle class so even if I were to get alimony it wouldn't have been much and he wasn't putting much away in his retirement. I did our taxes and my ex was never much of a plan for the far future type of guy so I know.
I got him to pay for my certification so I could make even more than what I did before I left the workforce and while I did get his name of off my car, my name was still on his so he had to pay me to get it off.