'AITA for refusing to continue ex's punishment of our daughter after she told her stepmother she didn't care about her cancer diagnosis?'
"AITA for refusing to continue ex's punishment of our daughter after she told her stepmother she didn't care about her cancer diagnosis?"
My ex (42m) and I (37f) share custody of our 13 year old daughter and 12 year old son. While I was recovering in hospital from our son's complicated birth he left me for his current wife Paula (35f).
They tried to use my vulnerable and weakened state to get custody of the kids, which luckily failed. The divorce took almost two years because my ex and Paula wanted the house he and I shared and he was trying to insist the house was 100% his when it was not. In the end the house was sold and we split the money 50-50 which was what I had been waiting for.
Custody was 50-50 but with me having sole decision making abilities (education and medical). This was because of a fight he engaged in over several things before our divorce was even finalized and because he admitted he would make decisions with Paula and would not consult me. The judge did not take kindly to that.
There was a period starting when our kids were 6 and 7 where I had custody for almost two years. My ex and Paula engaged in a ton of parental alienation, attempted to interfere in the kids being in therapy and went hard on trying to make the kids call Paula mom. They had to engage in co-parenting and parenting classes on top of therapy before unsupervised visitation and later custody were restored.
The relationship between ex and myself remains sour. The relationship between Paula and myself doesn't exist. We hate each other and we avoid each other. I hate my ex too but that's born more from disgust about how he has put Paula before our kids with his actions. He doesn't care how much their actions hurt them.
Our kids do not have a positive relationship with Paula and my ex has complained about their disrespect of her in the past. But he never provided examples. Recently this changed and he wanted me to continue a punishment of our daughter that he set.
My ex and Paula tried to have children of their own and have been unsuccessful. Then two months ago Paula was diagnosed with cervical cancer. A few weeks after her diagnosis my ex and Paula tried to set the kids up to help Paula out around the house and help take care of her when they're with him.
Paula said she'd need her babies more than ever and my daughter told her she wouldn't help and she doesn't care that Paula has cancer. My ex demanded she apologize but my daughter refused.
He emailed me the next night stating I need to be on his side and ground her for at least 30 days and longer if she refuses to apologize. He said she cannot get away with speaking to Paula that way and she might as well have wished her dead.
He said our son might also need to be punished because he appears to share the sentiment but did not state it aloud. I told him I would not be grounding our daughter for a month or longer and he needed to reflect on their behavior to see why she responded as she did and why our son appears to share the sentiment.
I spoke to both kids when they returned to my home. My daughter said she hates that her dad and Paula expect them to care for Paula when she does everything to be awful to me and never cared if the things said about me hurt her and her brother.
She said she was tired of them acting like Paula was their mom. My son said he doesn't want to help Paula but didn't say anything because he didn't want to be punished. He said Paula used to wish for me to be sick like that and he didn't think it was fair to ask them to help because of that.
My ex has repeatedly emailed me asking if I have grounded our daughter yet. He's name called and accused me of trying to curse Paula via our kids. He then said I was failing as a mother.
That I was letting adult issues turn the kids into awful people. I won't say any of what he said has made me feel guilty. But I suppose I am reflecting on if I'm not doing the best by my kids.
For me their feelings are valid and I don't think they're wrong about how Paula has earned them not wanting to help. But I may just be too close to reasonably assess this. So I'm here asking, AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA, take this to court. There’s no way this isn’t grounds for custody revision.
NTA Op. I'm not gonna lie, some ex spouses are so stupid. Why would you want to put your new spouse in the space of a bio parent just because you've moved on. Idk wat the dad was trying to achieve, but this will push the children further away. Moronic behavior at its finest.
Allissei (OP)
He's the kind of person who cheats so why wouldn't he do all that? He left me newly PP after a difficult birthing experience and didn't care about the harm to our kids then. All he can think about is himself. And Paula.
NTA. The key here is that your daughter didn’t say it unprompted, or because she even wished Paula ill. She was responding to someone forcing her into being a caretaker and not respecting her boundaries by pretending there’s a relationship there.
Paula’s chickens have come home to roost, and your daughter is not the keeper of her health or feelings. Your husband is bitter that he didn’t succeed in replacing you. If I were you I’d do what they did - use her vulnerable state and the fact that apparently she is unable to care for herself to revise visitation. Seems like two kids in the house is too much for them to deal with at this difficult time.
NTA. Karma spun the block on your ex & his AH wife & its not your kids job to be her damn nurses. Good news is your ex is pretty much guaranteeing that once your kids are old enough to decide, they'll be distancing themselves without you having to say anything.
NTA Your husband and Paula have brought this lack of empathy and concern by your children on themselves. They spent so many years disregarding what was actually best for the children and that was to have a good and amicable as possible, co-parenting relationship with their mother.
They selfishly chose to put their own feelings first. And this is just the culmination of that. You should not hold an iota of guilt on your shoulders. They are responding to the environment they have been forced to live in. They do not want to help someone who has been unkind and downright nasty about their mother.
They are entitled to feel that way. It would be wrong of you to try to make them feel some other kind of way. Your children don't lack empathy, their dad and stepmother lack awareness and personal accountability.