'AITA for refusing to cover my BF's bills while he's unemployed?' UPDATED
"AITA for saying no to covering my BF's bills?"
Apologies in advance if this is going to be a long one. I, 33 F, have been with my BF (38M) for 5 years. No kids. For context, we split the bills in half as we are renting a one bed flat on our own. When he was still studying, I was helping him on some emergency situations financially (1000-2000$) as he only got a part time job where he works 20 hours per week.
If we have to travel together, I pay more and I didn't mind since I'm the one who likes to travel as he is always complaining how sad he is with his life's routine. He contributes as well in the grocery as he eats more than me.
When he was about to graduate, I told him to start looking for a job. I know it is difficult to get into his field (engineering) where we live so I advised him to start applying for a job before he graduated. But he didn't. He declined even the entry level jobs on a different field that anyone can do saying "he can earn more once he works as an engineer."
When he was about to graduate, he asked me if I can help financially by covering his bills just until he gets a full time job. I was reluctant at first as I have my own bills and credit card debts to pay as I wasn't too smart handling my finances when I was a bit young so I'm trying to fix it now.
I wasn't sure how long this will be so I asked for a computation of how much I need to cover and he told me his last money is just a few bucks and that's it. I did a rough estimate and I said I can help a bit when he graduates.
Now, he graduated 5 month ago, with no prospect in sight and I don't see him going for even the initial phone interviews. When he asked me if I can cover his share of bill for this month until he gets hired and I said no. I can only cover half per month.
He wasn't happy about it. He accused me of being unreliable and he wants to re think our future together. In my mind, I know we support our partner but his bills shouldn't be my problem especially. I also had a trip planned a long time ago with my friends that I cannot back out now since we already paid for flights. He accused me of prioritising my friends over our relationship. AITAH if I said no to cover all his bills?
What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:
VioletFlames13 said:
No, he is an adult. He can work at a grocery, gas station, whatever it takes to pay his bills. It’s time to kick him back to his mama. He is NOT your problem!
OP responded:
I had to work extra 6 shifts to cover his bills. Honestly, it's tiring. But I want to be very sympathetic to his struggles too. I'm thinking what if I am in his position, I am sure he would help me. But the difference is, I will find a job within a month or two since my field is in demand and I am not picky in finding a job. I worked in a food chain as a waitress when I was young just to get by.
Rude-Organization782 said:
Nta... As much as he is expecting you to support him, he also needs to support you. It goes both ways. He is the one choosing to do PT hours, 20 hrs a week is ridiculous.
He is the one choosing to overlook the possibilities of bettering himself, and put him in a more stable position to at least support himself and take the burden off you.
He is the one who seems to be calling all the shots and finally he is the one expecting you to put your pre paid for travel plans in the bin so that you can support him in all his losses and choices. Girl, it's not just him that needs to reevaluate the relationship, his just pissed that you won't allow him to sponge off you. You should be considering if this is someone that helps to build you in life.
OP responded:
Thank you for your very valid input. I was raised in a family where my mom would give heaven and earth to my dad who left us in the end and I was wondering if I am slowly turning into her but then if I get pregnant, he will be working for both of us and I will be the one needing help so In my mind, it was justifiable to help financially but not to the extent of "indefinite " amount of time.
Throwaway-2587 said:
So he is now not working at all? I understand he wants a job in his field, but he needs an income too. He can look for a job he wants while doing a job that pays the bills.
NTA. He is too old to be this immature. He's coming across as a mooch.
OP responded:
He's working part time in a mall. I also said the same thing and I explained to him that his experience in other countries will not matter massively since those were odd jobs
FeralWineSips said:
This guy is almost 40 and has no job. And he’s putting in the bare minimum effort to look for one. Then this fool turned down a job that would’ve at least provided some financial relief. What future do you even have with someone who’s this old and still stupid?
Nadja-19 said:
So now he’s using manipulation by making the relationship status contingent upon you paying his bills. Tell him you’re also rethinking things and would like him to move out.
OP shared this update in the comments:
Thank you for all your comments, I haven't responded to all but I read every single one and I appreciate it so much to know that I am not being over critical or demanding as a woman.. we had a talk.. there's a job opening in my work and I know the manager. I already gave the manager his name and advised my bf to apply.
He submitted his resume just now and since I am close with the recruiter and the manager, they said they can try to schedule him in for an interview next week. Someone mentioned about giving him a chance to apply and see how it goes.
So we will discuss again further after that interview. I'm currently leading a new training for the whole facility where I am working and the last thing I want to deal with is stress at home.