'AITA for blowing up at my GF after she berated me for not crying at her mom's funeral?' UPDATED

"AITA for refusing to cry in front of my GF?"

I'm a 22 y/o man raised by a very traditional single dad. Among the many ideals my dad instilled into me was that crying was a sign of weakness in men, so, most of the time, my dad would reprimand me if I came to him crying. It'd range from small things, like spilling juice on my pants to being bullied at school.

He said "if you're breaking down about these issues, you're never going to make it in life." I would hide my tears like an alcoholic would hide booze, and, eventually, I grew up to be the "strong silent" type in school and in adulthood. If being emotional meant hurting myself or someone else, it seemed better to just not show them at all.

Fast forward a few years. I have this GF, Katie, that I'd been seeing for a few months. Most girls were turned off by me being so reserved, but Katie had this talent for seeing that I wasn't just mean or cold to people. I was hurting.

She treated me like a decent human, so I did my best to be a gentleman to her while still staying reserved. My dad told me it was important that a man never let his own feelings keep him from protecting and being respectful to women.

About a week ago, Katie called saying her mom died in the hospital due to complications from an illness, and asked me to come to the funeral. Now, I never knew what having a mom was like, so as the preacher described Katie's mom during the sermon, it sounded like everything I wished I had as a kid.

Someone who was gentle and nurturing, who'd understand my feelings rather than criticize them, someone who'd let me cry on their shoulder like I'd done for Katie many times. It was overpowering. I felt the tears coming on, and Katie looked at me in surprise. By force of habit, I didn't dare let myself cry. I took a deep breath, swallowed the lump in my throat, and just gave Katie another hug.

After the service, I drove Katie home. It was pretty quiet until, out of nowhere, she went OFF on me. She said I cared more about looking like a "macho man" who didn't cry than letting her know how I felt. She said things like "I'm sorry your dad is stuck in the stone age," and "I've opened up to you so much, but you never do the same for me!" and "Is your male ego really that fragile?!"

I just said, "Enough." or "Please stop." But she wouldn't. Normally, I'm not fazed by someone berating me (thank you, dad,) but after a while, I couldn't take it anymore. I just let her vent at me until I stopped at her house, and said, cold as ice, "Get. out." She seemed to get the hint that I was pissed, and ran in her apartment like a scared child.

Now, IDK if what I did was right anymore. It's become a habit of mine to avoid showing vulnerability, but maybe Katie has a point about having a "male ego," whatever that means. AITA for refusing to cry in front of her?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

PeacefulSilence00 said:

Nah. I get both sides here. Your dad didn't do right by you growing up. You REALIZE this so maybe take steps to let your guard down slowly in front Katie. She maybe shouldn't have gone off on you but I cannot blame her for the gist of her annoyance. Letting walls down cannot be a one way street in a relationship. If Katie lets herself he open around you you need to put in the same effort in that regard.

And I doubt your gf ran into the house like a "scared child". That I feel was kind of dickish on your part phrasing it that way. She had a horrible day because of the funeral and to top it off she has a bf that won't take steps to bring down the walls his father put up.

AerynBevo said:

Therapy. You were conditioned as a child to treat your emotions as unmanly or unworthy of feeling, much less showing. Regardless of why it happened, you’re now facing a difficult adulthood with the danger of being so John Wayne-like that people won’t try to look past your walls.

Please find a therapist who will help you know when and how to lower those walls. Best wishes on your relationship with Katie.

Abeyita said:

You are shutting her out by keeping your emotions to yourself. She shares and let's you in on her, but you shut her out of half of the relationship by keeping up the macho appearance. I find it hard to say you are the @$$hole, because you were raised to be not human like that. But in my opinion she isn't the AH for getting upset because you shut her out.

Edit: when my ex's grandmother died I went to the funeral with him. I didn't know her but I cried too. He later said that he felt very supported by me showing he wasn't alone in his emotions. Sharing emotions works two ways, it both gives and gets support.

Edit: I'm going with NAH

But work on including her in your world too.

AmparoOchoa said:

A$$holeish: Here is why; She is obviously really upset, and probably just lashed out due to grief. I think you should have been more understanding and not told her to get out of your car RIGHT AFTER HER MOTHER’S FUNERAL. To me it sounds like you’re in touch with your feelings, but she is also taking the role of a therapist in the sense that she is guiding you through emotional growth.

While this is nice and something many women will not do, I think it’s important for you to seek counseling in order to process the trauma in your life. Not having a mother, and having such an emotionally detached parent can have a big effect on your worldview.

Over time she may be expecting you to meet her at some level of emotional intimacy, which you may not be able to have without working on yourself first. I do not think you’re malicious AT ALL, but I do want you both to thrive. I’m sorry for the passing of Katie’s mom.

thingcalledlouvre said:

Look I was going to say N-A-H but your last line about her “running inside like a scared little child” is a really horrible thing to say about your girlfriend who was literally on her way home from her mothers funeral and got scared of her boyfriend

OP responded:

It was just how she looked like when I told her to leave; I didn't mean for it to be condescending.

And [deleted] said:

YTA. If you don't want to be emotionally involved, why are you in a relationship?

He has since shared this update:

Thank you all very much for your feedback in the original post. There were a variety of perspectives on this, but the general consensus seems to be that, while I'm NTA, it is bad for our relationship if I keep bottling up. You're right; it's not fair to me or Katie if she's looking for someone to relate to, and I refuse to give that to her, especially not when she's grieving.

Also, thank you for being sympathetic with Katie's plight. She's apologized for lashing out; she was just acting out of grief, not out of spite or a need to control me.

Well, the situation has turned into one of the most profound moments of my life. As we were making amends, Katie gave me a copy of her mom's funeral on video. We both watched it together, and, this time, I found the courage to cry for the first time in 7 1/2 years.

Hearing everyone describe Katie's mom had tapped into my inner child; the sad, lonely little boy longing for the warmth and affection that he didn't get from his only parent. Katie, despite her own grief, showed me nothing but kindness throughout my mental breakdown. All this time, I'd been seeing my own feelings as being invalid compared to hers.

Katie just said, "my mom always made me feel safe whenever I was sad; now I wanna do the same for you." Bless her heart.

Now, our relationship is stronger than ever. We're both looking after each other, but also seeking our own means of support to avoid being too dependent

I've finally started on my long overdue journey toward healing from my trauma, and improving my mental health. I never would've reached this milestone if it weren't for you all. I started from having no other outlet to having more options toward bettering myself than ever. Thank you all very much.