'AITA for refusing to do a joint baby shower with my stepsister who doesn't have any friends?'
"AITA because I won't do a joint baby shower with my stepsister who doesn't have anyone close to her to attend except for my mom and her dad?"
My stepsister and I (both 26f) are pregnant for the first time. I'm due 6 weeks before her if my mom's math is correct. My mom approached me about a month ago and asked if I would let my stepsister join my baby shower as an expectant mom to be. She said my stepsister doesn't really have friends. She doesn't have extended family she's close to either.
But I have both of those. I've had friends since preschool and other friends since I started my job. And I have my dad's wider family who are ever present in my life even after he died when I was 7. She said it would be a kindness and would show some family and/or sisterly support if I could make sure she and her baby are celebrated too. I told my mom I would not do that.
That firstly it would be a huge ask for mine and my husband's family and friends to buy someone and their baby a gift who they don't know and to expect them to bring two gifts. But also I'm not at all close with my stepsister and I told her that's a big ask for me to share the experience with someone I do not speak to outside of the occasional family dinner.
My mom told me it's important to put all the childishness aside and come together so our babies can be cousins and so we can be a solid family unit. What mom means by this is I was never close to my stepsister and it annoyed me when we first became stepsisters age 10 that I was expected to see her as a real sister and be close to her. That's never how I saw her.
She was in the family but not my sister and not someone I needed to be BFFs with. My mom used to tell me that I needed to be careful or I'd end up with nobody and she'd be all I have left in the world. She didn't like that I wasn't willing to be as eager as my stepsister was for a sister. I think my stepsister's eagerness lasted all of three years before she realized it was one-sided and backed off.
But mom continued to want me to treat her like a sister. There were times she got really angry with me because my extended family let me include friends in my time with them if we went anywhere and I invited friends but never my stepsister and I never tried to include her in my extended family.
This was always dad's family btw. My mom's parents died before I was born and her only sister is in and out of prison. So no family connections there.
After I said no to including my stepsister in the shower my mom texted me for 10 days solid telling me to reconsider and she sent me a bunch of co-shower ideas. I warned my best friend what mom was doing too and luckily she didn't contact her but she's on alert.
My stepsister also reached out and told me she really would like if we could share and she said I always had everything while she never had much and she doesn't want that for her baby too. She told me to think of it as setting the cousins up to be close because she wanted our babies to be cousins for real. I told her my answer was still no.
Then mom texted me about 35 times (at last count) asking me what was wrong with me, where did she go wrong, and how could I say no to an upset pregnant mom who's the closest I ever got to having an actual sister. She told me it's childish and very disappointing that I would behave this way as an adult and expectant mom. AITA?
What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:
InfiniteWelder513 said:
If you say yes.. I can see what’s going to happen next, you’re going to get the better gifts and more of them obviously because it’s your friends and family and your moms going to turn around and decide that it’s unfair and that all the gifts should be divided equally.. NTA,
OP responded:
I could definitely see that happening. OR when she gets ignored I get shit from my mom because I let nobody celebrate her and I didn't act enough like a sister to make sure she had people paying attention to her. Then it's not just sharing but babysitting in a way.
cassowary32 said:
NTA. Where's your step sister's extended bio family or the baby's father's family? Your mother's idea of "fairness" probably includes your step sister taking half your gifts because she didn't get as many.
It's kinda sad that your step sister hasn't developed any friendships in 26 years but that not on you to fix. Do you have a plan for if your mom still tries to make it a co-shower on the day of the event?
OP responded:
Her extended bio family aren't around. Her mom chose not to be in her life and her family followed suit. Her dad's an only child who doesn't have his parents in his life.
I mean, I wasn't really planning to invite my stepsister to the shower so that alone is one measure but I might not even invite mom.
Ipso-Pacto-Facto said:
I don’t know if your mom would get the results she wants. If I received a baby shower invitation for two women and I didn’t know one of the women, I would not bring the woman I didn’t know a gift. I would assume anyone who knows her would bring her gift, anyone who knows both women would bring them both a gift. This could really backfire and really embarrass your step-sister.
Hot_Tea_3266 said:
You’re simply not volunteering to turn your own celebration into someone else’s charity event.
OP responded:
You're right and that's exactly what it would become. No way would it stay mine at all if I let this happen.
Comfortable-Bug1737 said:
Putting aside that, it's your shower. Your friends and paternal family do not know her. If a friend of mine decided on a shared shower with someone I didn't know, I'd either not go or only buy my friend a gift. Why does she want to be humiliated when you'll get all the gifts and attention.
But then again, your mum will expect you to be fawning all over step sister and share your gifts. I'd uninvited all 3 and go low contact. Your mum only cares for one pregnant woman, and it's not you.
OP responded:
It's worse than that because I could imagine mom being really angry with me if my stepsister's ignored because people are only there for me and my baby, not for my stepsister and her baby.
FunProfessional570 said:
Easy solution. Your best friend throws the shower and mom and step sis are not invited.
OP responded:
My best friend is already throwing the shower lol. But she lets me pick the guest list.
Far-Independence-429 said:
NTA. Is she invited to your shower? I might reconsider that invite. I’m worried they might cause drama.
And OP responded:
I wasn't planning on it.
We'll keep you posted on any future updates!