'AITA for refusing to 'dress like their daughter' to attend my brother’s funeral?'
"AITA for refusing to 'dress like their daughter' to attend my brother’s funeral?"
I’m a very masculine looking woman gay woman. I just cut my hair real low the other day and I love it. It took a lot of self-encouraging. My parents FaceTimed me 6 days ago and told me my brother passed away from overdose…He’d just gotten out of rebab maybe a month ago.
My mind’s been racing like crazy. I talked to him 2 days ago and everything seemed great. And now this? Earlier today, my mom told me his funeral will be this coming Monday. I’ve been struggling a lot because of cuts at work (factory) so asked them if they could help me with a train ticket up there. About $300 that I’d pay them back.
My dad got on the phone and said that they love me, but my haircut is too much for them to handle right now because I “look like the son we just lost” and that I’m welcome to find my own way, but they’d prefer their daughter there at the funeral.
I told them if that’s the case then they never loved “their daughter” because I’m still a woman, and that their love is obviously conditional. I refuse to come in a dress and makeup just because they can’t handle me being gay and masculine. They keep saying I can come, but they won’t help if I won’t dress accordingly.
Yes, my parents are homophobic, it’s not news to me. It’s why I moved out and I just love them from a distance. But this is just insane. I know they don’t owe me anything as an adult, I get that.
But to use my sexuality against me at a time where we’re all grieving just hurts like crazy. This is my big brother??? The dude I looked up to my entire life. And they can’t look past their beliefs for 2 seconds?
I just didn’t expect to be let down at a time like this when I really just needed my parents to be there and support me as their kid. And I’m so blindsided because I thought he was ok. He told me he was ok.
It doesn’t feel real at all and I’m just kind of waiting for someone to tell me April fools in October. But part of me wonders if I should just suck it up and do what they want.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. Your parents suck. I think loving them "from a distance" is far more than they deserve and I question how it can possibly be good for you.
warro6 (OP)
Idk tbh. I guess because you grow up thinking your parents are awesome and then when you’re older you really see how they think? That they’re homophobic in my case. It’s hard.
I don’t go out of my way by any means but it’s really difficult to 100% let go of the ppl you admired as a kid. I’ve heavily considered going no contact for my own well-being bc, to your point, it’s not good for me.
Wow. I'm so sorry for your loss and for the fact that you can't turn to the people you need the most right now. It sounds like you and your brother loved and accepted each other. Have your own memorial for him. Do something the two of you liked doing together, or just spend some time thinking about the best memories you had.
He could have been happy one day and decided he was in such a good place he could handle a little. I believe he was happy when he talked to you. I am sending you love and strength. I wish I could do more.
NTA. Trans guy here. I know it’s not the same but I can empathize 😭 former stud, current man, family still wants me to wear a dress so my grandma doesn’t have a heart attack.
warro6 (OP)
It actually means a hell of a lot to hear. Thank you so much.
NTA....The thing with funerals is - your brother isn't there. They are for the living that loved him to say good bye and support each other. Unfortunately, you know that you have no support there. There will be no peace for you.
Your parents conditions and anger and attempts to shame you will over shadow the grief, which is already so complicated. You don't have to be there to say good bye to him.
i would suggest you find something that your brother loved, something that you can find locally to you. Coffee, flying a kite... what ever...Something between you and him maybe. I would also suggest you block your parents. They are evil. I'm sorry that you have all of this at once to deal with on top of your loss.
I think this is excellent advice. Even if you go, they won’t allow you to grieve as you need to. They will absolutely make awful comments to drag you down. Find your own way of remembering and celebrating your brother’s life.
NTA. This is not a demand your parents can make. Find someone else to ask if you can. (What? Your parents think they all look alike? A woman in a suit looks like a woman in a suit, not a man. But seriously, what they want, is what they want. Ignore their reasoning, people don't always make sense when trying to justify what they want.) Sorry for your loss.
warro6 (OP)
I wish I had someone else but I don’t. If I did I’d have taken that opportunity in a heartbeat. It took everything in me to let down my pride and ask them. Thank you, seriously. He was a great man and a great brother.